01/18/2024
Build Love Maps–Asking your partner open-ended questions helps you understand their inner world. This includes thoughts, feelings, dreams, experiences, likes, dislikes, fears, and hopes. At the same time you’ll build your empathy skills.
Share Fondness and Admiration–Look for what your partner does right instead of just mistakes. This will increase respect and appreciation in the relationship.
Turn Towards–Respond positively towards your partner’s “bids” for emotional connection. Bids can be verbal or non-verbal: a question, comment, smile, physical touch. Turning “toward” these small bids has a huge impact on the health of a relationship.
Positive Perspective–How well you follow the first 3 levels affects your perspective. Do you see your partner as a friend or enemy? Do you see their words and actions as helping or threatening? Build friendship with the first three levels.
Manage Conflict–Knowing what triggers conflicts can prevent them. Keep your “emotional bank account” filled. Positive affection are your “deposits.” Conflicts are the withdrawals. What ways can you save up? Smiles, touch, favors, compliments, and simple questions help.
Make Life Dreams Come True–What are your partner’s dreams and goals. Celebrate their wins along the way.
Create Shared Meaning–What are your “rituals of connection”? This can include your traditions, spirituality, community. What is your story with your partner and what are your shared dreams?
Trust–Knowing your partner “has your back” and your interests in mind.
Commitment–Knowing your partner is someone with whom to spend the lifelong journey. No one is perfect, and you cherish each other despite flaws or other options out there.
Image credit to Dr. John Gottman.
