Susan P McNally, PhD, LMFT, Kairos Counseling Solutions

Susan P McNally, PhD, LMFT, Kairos Counseling Solutions I have provided therapy to adults, adolescents, and children for over 30 years.

I've worked in a variety of settings: Sutter-Yuba Mental Health, schools, foster care, residential treatment, chemical dependency counseling centers, and private practice. My specialities are Christian counseling, life coaching, trauma resolution, couple counseling, and parenting skills.

APPROACH AVOIDANCE CONFLICTMARCUS BISHOPApproach-avoidance conflict is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a sin...
09/03/2025

APPROACH AVOIDANCE CONFLICT
MARCUS BISHOP

Approach-avoidance conflict is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a single goal or decision presents both appealing (approach) and unappealing (avoidance) aspects, creating internal tension, hesitation, and mental struggle. First proposed by Kurt Lewin, this concept bridges psychology and neuroscience, explaining why we often feel paralyzed by certain decisions. From personal relationships to work, health, and social interactions, approach-avoidance conflict shows up in everyday life. In this article, we'll explore what it is, how it works, where it appears, the science behind it, and how to manage it effectively.
CORE CONCEPTS AND MECHANISMS
DEFINITION OF APPROACH-AVOIDANCE CONFLICT
Approach-avoidance conflict is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a single goal or decision has both appealing and unappealing aspects, creating a state of internal tension. First introduced by Kurt Lewin in the 1930s, this type of conflict represents a motivational impasse where the desire to attain a goal is counterbalanced by fear or aversion associated with it. For example, a person may desire a promotion (approach) but fear the increased responsibility and stress it entails (avoidance).
PSYCHOLOGICAL MECHANISMS INVOLVED
The dynamics of approach-avoidance conflict rely heavily on the interplay between motivational systems. The approach system is driven by the behavioral activation system (BAS), which is associated with reward sensitivity and goal-directed behavior. Conversely, the avoidance system is governed by the behavioral inhibition system (BIS), which is sensitive to punishment, risk, and uncertainty.
These systems often operate simultaneously, and their interaction can lead to fluctuating emotional states and indecision. As the individual moves closer to the goal, the avoidance gradient (anxiety or fear) often increases more sharply than the approach gradient (desire or motivation), leading to hesitation or withdrawal—a pattern well documented in both theoretical models and empirical studies.
THE ROLE OF COGNITIVE AND EMOTIONAL PROCESSES
Cognition plays a crucial role in how approach-avoidance conflicts are experienced and resolved. Cognitive appraisal—how a person interprets the significance of a goal or threat—can amplify or diminish both approach and avoidance tendencies. Emotional responses, including anxiety, excitement, or ambivalence, further influence the intensity and direction of motivation.
Rumination and anticipatory anxiety are common cognitive-emotional responses in approach-avoidance scenarios. These can lead to paralysis by analysis, where overthinking impedes decision-making. Conversely, cognitive restructuring or reframing can help individuals reduce perceived risks, thereby enhancing approach motivation.
MOTIVATIONAL GRADIENTS AND DISTANCE EFFECTS
One of the core principles in approach-avoidance theory is the concept of motivational gradients. The strength of approach and avoidance motivations changes as one gets closer to the goal. Generally, the avoidance gradient is steeper than the approach gradient, meaning that as a person nears the goal, the negative aspects become more salient and psychologically impactful.
This principle explains why people often feel more conflicted or anxious just before reaching a decision point—for example, feeling more nervous right before a job interview despite having prepared thoroughly. The closer the individual is to acting, the more intense the avoidance motivation becomes.
BEHAVIORAL MANIFESTATIONS
Behaviorally, approach-avoidance conflict can manifest as procrastination, indecision, or avoidance behaviors such as distraction, withdrawal, or delay. In extreme cases, it can lead to self-sabotage, where individuals unconsciously undermine their own progress to avoid facing potential negative outcomes.
Repeated exposure to unresolved approach-avoidance conflicts can also lead to chronic stress and learned helplessness, particularly if individuals perceive that they are unable to reconcile the competing motivations effectively.
NEUROBIOLOGICAL UNDERPINNINGS
Neuroscientific research supports the involvement of distinct brain regions in managing approach-avoidance conflicts. The prefrontal cortex is critical for decision-making and cognitive control, while the amygdala is associated with emotional processing and fear responses. The interplay between these areas, along with the nucleus accumbens and hippocampus, helps regulate the balance between reward-seeking and threat-avoidance.
Functional imaging studies have shown increased activity in the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) during conflict resolution tasks, highlighting its role in identifying and managing motivational conflict. Additionally, dysregulation in these neural circuits has been linked to anxiety disorders, depression, and other forms of psychopathology.
THEORETICAL INTEGRATION
Modern psychological theories, including dual-process models and motivational conflict theory, have expanded upon Lewin’s original framework. These theories incorporate both conscious deliberation and automatic emotional responses, recognizing that approach-avoidance conflict is influenced by a complex interaction of biological, psychological, and environmental factors.
Approach-avoidance dynamics are also integrated into contemporary models of self-regulation and goal pursuit, emphasizing the importance of emotional regulation, cognitive flexibility, and adaptive coping mechanisms in managing conflicting motivations.
PSYCHOLOGICAL AND NEURAL BASIS
COGNITIVE AND EMOTIONAL COMPONENTS
Approach-avoidance conflict engages a complex interplay of cognitive and emotional processes. At its core, the conflict arises when an individual is simultaneously drawn to and repelled by the same goal or stimulus. Cognitively, this involves processing conflicting evaluations—such as the anticipated pleasure of a reward versus the potential for negative consequences. Emotionally, individuals often experience anxiety, ambivalence, and stress, as they are pulled in opposing motivational directions.
The decision-making process in approach-avoidance scenarios is marked by heightened cognitive load. People may ruminate on potential outcomes, engage in risk-benefit analysis, and experience decision paralysis. Emotional arousal, particularly anxiety, tends to increase as one nears the goal, reflecting the heightened salience of potential negative outcomes—a phenomenon Karl Lewin originally described in his field theory of conflict.
BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS AND MOTIVATIONAL DYNAMICS
Behaviorally, approach-avoidance conflicts often lead to hesitation, procrastination, or abrupt changes in behavior, such as sudden withdrawal or impulsive engagement. The motivational dynamics are governed by the perceived intensity of the reward versus the threat. As the individual moves closer to the goal, the avoidance gradient (fear or anxiety) typically increases more sharply than the approach gradient (desire or reward), leading to vacillation or avoidance behavior.
Motivational theories, such as those proposed by Jeffrey Gray in his Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS) model, help explain these patterns. Gray posits that the BIS is activated in situations of goal conflict, particularly when both approach and avoidance signals are strong. This system inhibits behavior, increases arousal, and heightens attention to threat cues, contributing to the characteristic indecision seen in approach-avoidance conflicts.
NEURAL MECHANISMS AND BRAIN REGIONS
Neuroscientific research has identified several key brain regions involved in approach-avoidance conflict processing:
Amygdala: Central to processing fear and threat-related stimuli, the amygdala is activated during avoidance-related decision-making. Its role is crucial in evaluating potential negative outcomes and triggering emotional responses like anxiety.
Prefrontal Cortex (PFC): The PFC, particularly the ventromedial and dorsolateral regions, is involved in executive functions, such as risk assessment, decision-making, and emotion regulation. It helps mediate between conflicting motivations and guides goal-directed behavior.
Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC): The ACC is implicated in conflict monitoring and error detection. It becomes active when an individual experiences internal conflict, helping to weigh competing demands and inform behavioral choices.
Striatum: Involved in reward processing, the striatum is activated by the anticipation of positive outcomes. Dysfunction in this region can bias decisions toward avoidance or maladaptive approach behavior.
Hippocampus: Related to memory and contextual processing, the hippocampus can influence conflict behavior by recalling past experiences of reward or punishment, thus shaping current motivational tendencies.
NEUROCHEMICAL INFLUENCES
Various neurotransmitters and neurohormones modulate the neural systems involved in approach-avoidance conflict. Dopamine, for instance, enhances approach behavior by reinforcing reward signals, while serotonin is more closely linked with behavioral inhibition and the regulation of anxiety. Cortisol, a stress hormone, also plays a role, particularly in heightening avoidance responses under conditions of uncertainty or threat.
EXPERIMENTAL EVIDENCE
Studies using functional MRI (fMRI), electroencephalography (EEG), and animal models have provided robust evidence for these neural mechanisms. For example, rodent studies using maze-based paradigms (e.g., the elevated plus maze or conflict-based runway tasks) have shown how the amygdala and hippocampus contribute to hesitation and decision latency. In humans, fMRI studies reveal increased ACC and PFC activation during tasks that simulate real-life approach-avoidance conflicts, such as choosing between a lucrative but ethically questionable job offer.
These findings highlight that approach-avoidance conflict is not merely a psychological phenomenon but has a deeply rooted neurobiological basis. Understanding these mechanisms provides a foundation for developing targeted therapeutic interventions, particularly for anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other conditions marked by maladaptive conflict resolution.
ASSESSMENT AND MEASUREMENT
Accurately assessing and measuring approach-avoidance conflict is essential for understanding its role in decision-making, emotional regulation, and psychological health. A variety of methods, both experimental and clinical, have been developed to evaluate the strength and dynamics of approach and avoidance tendencies in individuals.
BEHAVIORAL ASSESSMENT TOOLS
One of the most widely used methods of measuring approach-avoidance conflict is through behavioral paradigms. These often involve tasks that simulate real-world decision-making where participants must choose between options with both positive and negative valences. A common example is the “conflict arm maze” used in animal studies, which has been adapted into human psychological testing formats.
In human behavioral research, tasks like the Approach-Avoidance Task (AAT) are employed. In the AAT, individuals are asked to respond to stimuli (e.g., images or words) by either pulling or pushing a joystick, associating these actions with approach or avoidance behaviors. Reaction times and choices are analyzed to infer underlying motivational tendencies.
SELF-REPORT QUESTIONNAIRES
Self-report instruments offer another layer of insight. These tools are designed to measure subjective experiences of conflict, ambivalence, and motivational tension. Examples include:
The Ambivalence Conflict Questionnaire (ACQ), which assesses internal conflict related to goal pursuit.
The Behavioral Inhibition System/Behavioral Activation System (BIS/BAS) Scales, which indirectly measure sensitivity to punishment (avoidance) and reward (approach).
The Conflict Monitoring Questionnaire (CMQ), focusing on cognitive-emotional conflict during decision-making.
While self-reports provide valuable subjective data, they are often combined with behavioral tools for a more comprehensive assessment.
PHYSIOLOGICAL AND NEUROLOGICAL MEASURES
Physiological responses can also serve as indicators of approach-avoidance conflict. Heart rate variability (HRV), skin conductance response (SCR), and cortisol levels have been used to measure stress and arousal levels during conflicting decision-making scenarios. These physiological markers reflect the body’s autonomic responses to internal conflict.
Neuroscientific methods, particularly functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), have revealed that brain regions such as the amygdala, anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), and orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) are heavily involved in processing approach-avoidance dynamics. Neuroimaging studies help identify the neural correlates of conflict and clarify the biological underpinnings of motivational ambivalence.
EXPERIMENTAL PARADIGMS
Experimental paradigms are particularly useful in both clinical and research contexts. These controlled settings allow researchers to manipulate variables and observe participants' responses under conditions that simulate real-life approach-avoidance scenarios. Examples include:
Delay discounting tasks, where individuals choose between immediate smaller rewards and delayed larger ones, tapping into the tension between short-term gratification and long-term benefit.
Go/No-Go and Stop-Signal tasks, which measure inhibitory control and are relevant in situations where conflicting impulses must be managed.
Such paradigms are instrumental in studying populations with disorders characterized by impaired conflict resolution, such as anxiety disorders, addiction, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
CLINICAL ASSESSMENT AND DIAGNOSTIC IMPLICATIONS
In clinical psychology, the measurement of approach-avoidance conflict has diagnostic and treatment implications. For instance, heightened avoidance tendencies relative to approach tendencies can be indicative of anxiety or depressive disorders. Tools like structured clinical interviews and diagnostic scales may incorporate questions related to motivational conflict, indecision, and ambivalence.
Furthermore, assessment results can guide therapeutic interventions. For example, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) may target maladaptive avoidance behaviors, while motivational interviewing can help clients resolve ambivalence and strengthen approach motivations.
CROSS-CONTEXTUAL AND LONGITUDINAL MEASUREMENT
To fully understand the impact of approach-avoidance conflict across the lifespan or in varying social contexts, longitudinal and cross-contextual assessments are necessary. These studies track changes in conflict dynamics over time and under different environmental pressures, offering insights into developmental patterns and the effects of life events on motivational systems.
Advancements in digital assessment tools, such as ecological momentary assessment (EMA) via smartphone apps, now allow researchers and clinicians to capture real-time data on approach-avoidance tendencies in everyday situations.
VALIDITY AND RELIABILITY CONSIDERATIONS
For any assessment to be clinically or scientifically useful, it must demonstrate strong psychometric properties. Measures of approach-avoidance conflict are evaluated for:
Construct validity: ensuring the tool accurately captures the theoretical concept.
Reliability: consistency of results across time and contexts.
Ecological validity: relevance and applicability in real-world settings.
Combining multiple assessment methods (behavioral, self-report, physiological, and neurological) improves the robustness and interpretability of findings.
EMERGING TRENDS
Recent innovations in artificial intelligence and machine learning are being applied to approach-avoidance conflict assessment. Algorithms can detect conflict patterns in large datasets and predict behavioral outcomes based on individual profiles. Additionally, virtual reality (VR) environments are being developed to simulate high-stakes decision-making scenarios, offering immersive and ecologically valid platforms for assessment.
These advancements promise to enhance the precision and personalization of both research and clinical applications related to approach-avoidance conflict.
PERSONAL LIFE SCENARIOS
Approach-avoidance conflict frequently manifests in everyday personal decisions. A common example is choosing whether to end or continue a long-term relationship. On one hand, the individual may feel emotionally attached and fear loneliness (approach), while on the other hand, they may be unhappy or feel trapped in the relationship (avoidance). This inner conflict can lead to indecision, anxiety, and emotional distress.
Another typical instance is health-related behavior, such as deciding to start a diet or an exercise plan. The person may be motivated by the desire to improve physical health or appearance (approach), but simultaneously intimidated by the effort, lifestyle changes, or fear of failure (avoidance). These conflicting motivations often result in procrastination or inconsistent behavior.
PROFESSIONAL SITUATIONS
In the workplace, approach-avoidance conflict can appear in decisions surrounding career advancement. For example, an employee might be offered a promotion that promises increased status and income (approach), but also entails more responsibility, longer hours, and fear of failure (avoidance). This can lead to hesitation or burnout if the conflict is unresolved.
Another example involves job changes. A professional may be attracted to opportunities in a new position or company (approach), but reluctant to leave the security, familiarity, or social connections of their current job (avoidance). These competing motivations can delay decision-making or cause long-term dissatisfaction.
SOCIAL CONTEXT EXAMPLES
Social interactions also present fertile ground for approach-avoidance conflicts. Attending a social event can provide enjoyment, networking opportunities, or social approval (approach), while also triggering social anxiety, fear of judgment, or discomfort (avoidance). This is particularly relevant in individuals with social anxiety disorder, where the conflict becomes chronic and impairs functional behavior.
Volunteering or joining a community project may similarly trigger approach-avoidance dynamics—desire to contribute and connect (approach) versus fear of commitment or social obligation (avoidance).
CASE STUDIES ILLUSTRATING APPROACH-AVOIDANCE DYNAMICS
A well-known case study involves a university student deciding whether to pursue graduate school. The student is driven by the potential for academic achievement and career benefits (approach), but also fears academic pressure, financial debt, and personal sacrifices (avoidance). This internal conflict may cause the student to delay applications, experience stress, or seek alternative paths that feel safer but less fulfilling.
In a clinical context, individuals with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) often face strong approach-avoidance conflicts. For instance, a person might feel compelled to perform a ritual (approach) to reduce anxiety, while simultaneously wanting to stop the behavior because it interferes with their life (avoidance). Understanding this conflict is key to effective therapeutic strategies such as exposure and response prevention (ERP).
ORGANIZATIONAL AND INSTITUTIONAL APPLICATIONS
Organizations use knowledge of approach-avoidance conflict in areas such as change management, leadership development, and employee engagement. For example, introducing a new technology platform may excite employees with its potential to improve productivity (approach), but also generate resistance due to fear of the unknown or increased workload (avoidance). Recognizing and addressing these dual motivations can improve implementation outcomes.
In marketing, companies often design campaigns that minimize avoidance triggers—like cost, complexity, or risk—while amplifying approach incentives such as ease, rewards, and social proof. Understanding how consumers navigate approach-avoidance tensions can inform more effective product positioning and messaging strategies.
EDUCATIONAL SETTINGS
Educators encounter approach-avoidance conflicts in student behavior. A student may want to participate in class to gain praise or understanding (approach), but also fear embarrassment or making mistakes (avoidance). Interventions like creating psychologically safe environments and using positive reinforcement can help students resolve these conflicts more constructively.
Approach-avoidance conflict models have also been applied in educational counseling to guide students through difficult academic decisions by clarifying their goals and addressing underlying fears or doubts.
MANAGEMENT AND RESOLUTION STRATEGIES
Approach-avoidance conflicts can significantly impact decision-making, emotional well-being, and overall functioning. Effective management and resolution require a multifaceted approach that integrates psychological insight, decision-making frameworks, and coping strategies. Below are key strategies and methodologies used to navigate and resolve these internal conflicts.
COGNITIVE-BEHAVIORAL TECHNIQUES
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers structured approaches to manage approach-avoidance conflicts. By identifying and restructuring maladaptive thought patterns, individuals can reduce the intensity of avoidance responses and clarify the benefits of approaching a goal. Key techniques include:
Cognitive restructuring: Challenging and reframing irrational fears or negative automatic thoughts associated with avoidance.
Exposure therapy: Gradual exposure to the feared aspect of a goal to desensitize and reduce avoidance behavior.
Behavioral activation: Encouraging action-oriented behavior to counteract avoidance tendencies and boost motivation through positive reinforcement.
These methods enable individuals to break the cycle of indecision and anxiety that often characterizes approach-avoidance conflict.
DECISION-MAKING FRAMEWORKS
Structured decision-making tools can help individuals objectively evaluate the pros and cons of conflicting desires. These include:
Cost-benefit analysis: Listing the advantages and disadvantages of both approaching and avoiding the goal to gain clarity.
SWOT analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats): A strategic tool often used in business but adaptable for personal decision-making.
Decisional balance sheets: A method borrowed from motivational interviewing that helps visualize competing motivations and values.
These frameworks support rational evaluation and reduce emotional overwhelm, facilitating more confident decision-making.
MINDFULNESS AND EMOTIONAL REGULATION
Mindfulness practices help individuals develop awareness of internal conflicts without immediate reaction. This non-judgmental observation creates space for thoughtful responses rather than impulsive avoidance or forced approach behavior.
Mindfulness meditation: Enhances emotional awareness and tolerance of ambiguity.
Emotion regulation strategies: Techniques such as deep breathing, labeling emotions, and cognitive defusion help in managing anxiety associated with conflicting desires.
By cultivating emotional resilience, individuals are better equipped to tolerate the discomfort inherent in approach-avoidance dynamics.
MOTIVATIONAL INTERVIEWING
Originally developed for addiction counseling, motivational interviewing is a client-centered approach that explores ambivalence and strengthens motivation for change. It is particularly effective in resolving approach-avoidance conflicts by:
Eliciting personal values and goals
Reinforcing internal motivation
Resolving discrepancies between current behavior and desired outcomes
This method respects the complexity of internal conflict and guides individuals toward self-directed resolution.
PROFESSIONAL INTERVENTIONS
In more severe or chronic cases—such as those involving anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, or depression—professional guidance may be necessary. Therapists may employ:
Psychodynamic therapy: To uncover unconscious conflicts contributing to approach-avoidance behaviors.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Helping individuals commit to valued actions despite discomfort.
Pharmacotherapy: In cases where anxiety or depression is biochemical in nature, medications such as SSRIs may reduce avoidance tendencies and facilitate decision-making.
Clinical interventions provide tailored support and can be essential for addressing underlying psychological conditions that exacerbate conflict.
GOAL CLARIFICATION AND VALUE-BASED ACTION
Clarifying personal values and long-term goals can reduce internal conflict by aligning behaviors with core motivations. Techniques include:
Value clarification exercises: Identifying what truly matters to the individual to prioritize approach behavior.
SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound): Breaking down larger goals into manageable steps reduces overwhelm and increases commitment.
When actions are guided by deeply held values rather than impulsive fears, individuals are more likely to resolve conflicts in a satisfying and sustainable way.
SELF-MONITORING AND FEEDBACK LOOPS
Tracking progress and reflecting on past decisions can enhance self-awareness and improve future conflict resolution. Methods include:
Journaling: Documenting thoughts, emotions, and behaviors related to the conflict.
Behavior tracking: Monitoring approach and avoidance behaviors to identify patterns and triggers.
Feedback from others: Seeking input from trusted individuals can provide perspective and support.
These tools encourage ongoing self-regulation and adaptive learning in facing complex decisions.
ENVIRONMENTAL AND SITUATIONAL MODIFICATIONS
Sometimes, conflicts can be eased by modifying the context in which they occur. This may include:
Altering the environment: Reducing exposure to triggers or increasing access to supportive resources.
Time management: Allocating adequate time for decision-making can reduce pressure and allow for thoughtful deliberation.
Social support systems: Engaging with empathetic individuals can provide encouragement and accountability.
Creating a supportive external environment complements internal strategies and increases the likelihood of successful conflict resolution.
SUMMARY OF EFFECTIVE STRATEGIES

By integrating these strategies, individuals can more effectively navigate the psychological tug-of-war inherent in approach-avoidance conflicts, leading to better decision-making and enhanced psychological resilience.
Approach-avoidance conflict can silently undermine our choices, emotions, and goals. By understanding the psychological and neurological forces at play, recognizing this conflict in daily life, and applying practical strategies for resolution, we can improve our decision-making, mental health, and personal growth. If you're experiencing persistent internal conflict, consider seeking professional support to explore deeper patterns and take action toward clarity and well-being.

08/28/2025
I hope you're laughing.
08/25/2025

I hope you're laughing.

08/17/2025

Interdependent Relationship: How to Sustain Love and Happiness
By Joanna Shakti / Conscious Soulmate - Conscious Relating

Whether married to each other or in a long-term partnership, those who create and build an interdependent relationship will have the greatest chance for survival. Couples in a committed relationship or singles seeking romantic partnership who take the time to understand what interdependence means and frame their intimate relationship in this way will reap great rewards. Partners will feel more connected to each other. Both people will more often have their needs met. Overall fulfillment and satisfaction in the relationship will increase significantly.

But what does an interdependent relationship mean in practical terms? How do you establish interdependence or recognize it if it’s already happening?

Below, we’ll explore what an interdependent relationship looks like and offer several examples of interdependence. For clarity, we’ll contrast interdependent relationships with other less sustainable forms of partnership. Finally, we’ll explain the prerequisites and show you how to build a relationship that lasts.

What is interdependence?
Before we can understand what an interdependent relationship means, we must first understand what interdependence means in and of itself.

All objects and entities that exist in our world have some form of relationship to one another. In many cases the objects have an independent co-existence with each other. In other words, the existence, movement, or change of one object does not impact the existence of the other object. While the salt and pepper shakers relate to each other, changes to one of the shakers does not impact the other.

In contrast, interdependence happens when two or more distinct objects or entities impact one another. A change in one object creates a change in the other object. The milk has an interdependent relationship with the refrigerator. A grocery store has an interdependent relationship with both its suppliers and customers. Our physical bodies have interdependence with the earth in many ways including the production by plants of the very oxygen we need to survive.

In the simplest terms, interdependence means that two or more objects affect each other. Whether the objects have a positive or negative impact on each other doesn’t matter, if one impacts the other they remain interdependent.

Let’s now look at how this translates into personal relationships.

The dependency spectrum
As we see from above, by definition, people who interact with each other directly have an interdependent relationship. The level of interdependence directly correlates to the amount of interaction as well as the level of intimacy between the two. This means that strangers can have an interdependent relationship and that, inherently, all romantic relationships are interdependent relationships.

To fully understand interdependence in romantic partnerships, we’ll be served to contrast independent and codependent relationships with interdependent relationships. Conscious interdependence bridges the gap. In other words, if we look at independence and codependence as the extremes at the two ends of the dependency spectrum, interdependence lies at the midpoint. When looked at as an infinity loop, interdependence lies at the intersection.

While true independence is nearly impossible for romantic partners, two people could set up their relationship such that they have as little influence on each other’s lives as possible. In a purely independent romantic relationship, the couple might, for example, maintain separate bank accounts and make their financial decisions independently of one another. They would likely choose separate vacations and likely even separate bedrooms. These couples would less frequently consider the impact of their choices on their partner.

On the other end of the spectrum, in codependent relationships, it’s as if one partner can’t move without consulting the other. In codependent relationships, at least one of the two people can no longer find themselves as a distinct being outside the partnership. Losing yourself in a relationship would commonly happen in this kind of partnership. Self-abandonment and pleasing people would show up here. One partner would struggle to find happiness when the other feels unhappy.

What is an interdependent relationship?
In contrast to the above scenarios, partners in healthy interdependent relationships consciously choose to rely and depend on each other, without creating a needy dynamic where one can’t move without the other. In other words, with conscious interdependence in relationships, partners realize that their decisions and actions frequently affect their partner and therefore consider that impact when making choices. However, considering the impact of a decision on a partner doesn’t mean choosing what’s best for them over what is best for you. That would be codependent self-abandonment that harms relationships.

In healthy interdependent relationships, the interrelated experiences of the two will, in an overall sense, make life better for both partners. Here we might say, “We’re better together,” because the choice to consider, rely on, and even voluntarily depend on each other improves the life of each partner. In conscious interdependent relationships, partners rarely, if ever, feel “victim” to their relationship or partner because they remain empowered to continually choose partnership. If one partner begins to feel trapped in the relationship, the two have moved from interdependence to dependency or codependency.

Healthy interdependent relationships have a spiraling up and expanding “goodness” experience. However, unhealthy interdependence moves in the direction of codependency and, as a result, has a contractive, or spiraling down, impact on the relationship and the partners in it.

The prerequisites for an interdependent relationship
To create and build a conscious interdependent relationship, both people must have a strong relationship with themselves. They must have the capacity to stand alone, such that they can choose a partnership. More specifically, they can choose to depend on each other. Remember, if you lose a sense of choice, you have moved from interdependent to dependent. Interdependent partners in a healthy relationship maintain and honor their unique needs and desires. At the same time, they choose to share those needs and desires with each other so each has the opportunity to choose to contribute to the other.

Notice how often the word ‘choice’ was used in the previous paragraph. Healthy interdependence requires that we maintain personal choice.

QUOTE | “Healthy interdependence requires that we maintain personal choice.”

Happy and healthy partners will feel inspired to contribute to their partner while still taking care of and honoring themselves. If either partner consistently makes the other more important than themselves, this turns into a dependence resulting from an underlying fear of losing love.

To stay healthily interdependent in a relationship, both partners need to hold trust in the love they share. This certainly doesn’t mean one partner or the other won’t experience moments of personal insecurity or uncertainty. Yet because of the conscious interdependence, these moments won’t be experienced as needy or unattractive. They will actually open a door to true love.

As we have explored the various aspects of interdependent relationships, we see that the strongest and most sustainable unions hold interdependence at the center. It sets the foundation.

Said yet another way, we can’t have unity without sovereignty. Two sovereign beings have choice, not neediness, not desperation, not dependence. They do not have to have each other; they desire to have each other. They choose each other. Over and over again.

Healthy dependence, otherwise known as interdependence, makes for happy, lasting love.

Since 2006, highly conscious men and women, with a commitment to extraordinary relationships, have chosen Ecstatic Intimacy to find and cultivate Soul Partnerships from their bedrooms to their boardrooms. Ecstatic Intimacy believes in coveted relationships for all.

You, too, are invited…

Joanna,
Escatic Intimacy

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Marysville, CA

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