Autistic In Love Relationship Coaching Services

01/08/2024

This is like half of what we do as dating and relationship coaches: help clients to seek out compatibility against the mixed signals of chemistry.

Why we trick ourselves into falling for the wrong partner.

11/21/2022

Therapy heals trauma and corrects pathology. Coaching is more positively oriented. A coach does not find fault or blame; they facilitate communication and help couples to negotiate solutions. ❤️

11/16/2022

Psyched to finally have my professional profile up and running at Heal .me

Wendy Katz Erwin is passionate about holistic healing. Explore their profile and book an appointment on Heal.me.

08/25/2022

Does Having An Autistic Child Truly Increase Your Likelihood of Divorce?

Autism Speaks routinely cites statistics, which appear to “prove” that autistic children break up marriages. But if you take a closer look, this argument is NOT air tight! Far from it. There is a possible explanation involving confounding variables. I will explain using murders and ice cream.

I studied Sociology at Hanover College, one of the best schools in Indiana. My professor Dr. Crone wanted all of his students to be aware of the tricks used in writing misleading studies and how to understand experimental results properly. His example was a graph, which he showed us, that APPEARED to demonstrate a correlation between ice cream sales and murders.

Yes, the premise was far fetched, but the numbers were right there. The class sat scratching their heads until Dr. Crone explained about confounding variables. A confounding variable is a third variable, which influences and connects the two variables, which are the focus of the study. This variable is the true cause or correlation with the other two variables, which are unrelated otherwise. An honest, smart scientist looks to eliminate confounding variables before conducting an experiment.

So what was the confounding variable truly linked to the increase of both ice cream sales and murders? The answer is Summer. During summer, more ice cream is purchased. In addition, tempers tend to flare when temperatures go up, which causes an increase in murders. So ice cream and murders have no causal relationship at all. They are both simply linked to summer.

This is my educated guess as to what is happening in these Autism Speaks statistics. They appear to show a correlation between a child having autism and their parents’ divorce. But I doubt that this is the full story. And I have a thought about what the confounding variable might be, besides marital stress.

What ELSE is linked to both autistic children and an increased rate of divorce? Autistic parents. If a child is autistic, it is statistically more likely that one or both parents is neurodiverse. And, especially in cases where only one parent is neurodiverse, communication problems are likely. There is a higher probability of divorce for a couple when only one partner is neurodiverse if the couple doesn’t receive proper support.

So, no, I don’t buy for a second that if Mr. and Mrs. Jones had a beautiful marriage full of like-minded thinking and rich communication, that little Timmy being diagnosed with autism would terminate their marriage. But chances are that if Mr. and Mrs. Jones were struggling to begin with because he was autistic and she was Neurotypical, two things would both be more likely to happen:

1. Timmy would be more likely to be autistic.
2. These two parents, who were already struggling even BEFORE Timmy’s autism came into their lives, would need extra support to avoid divorce.

Thus, autistic children do not cause their parents’ divorce, even if there is correlation.

I will add one more thing as a former autistic child myself. I used to believe that I was the cause of my parent’s fighting until I went off to college, and their marriage got even worse. Parents, who fight over a child, typically will not know how to magically communicate better once that child leaves the nest. Hopefully, couples in this situation will figure this out and seek proper supports for their relationship.

08/24/2022

My Child Just Got an Autism Diagnosis. Could I Be Autistic Too?

Of course, the short answer is YES. Autism is genetic and many of us don’t even realize we are autistic until a child, parent, or sibling gets diagnosed. This is especially true if you are a woman or from a culture or faith group where under-diagnosis is common.

I didn’t realize I was autistic until a psychiatrist watched me talk myself through a breakdown at 18 and suggested it to me. I knew literally nothing about autism at the time and was quite defensive but agreed to read up on it. During the 90s, information on females with autism was limited, but I very quickly recognized my father in the descriptions. I accepted myself as autistic, knowing that it was genetic and that women are different.

It is also possible that, even if you are not autistic, you have a different type of Neurodivergence. I do not know all of the genetics behind it, but ADHD is somewhat related to autism, and these conditions frequently (though not always) overlap. If your child is autistic, you might have ADHD or a similar condition, rather than autism. Or you might be autistic and have ADHD.

If you have read up on Neurodiversity because of your child and none of the conditions speak to you, however, rest assured that being a Neurotypical parent of an autistic child is also common and healthy. Your child may have inherited their autistic traits from the other side of the family, or it might have skipped a generation.

Most families, who are honestly assessing their family trees, can usually pinpoint at least one aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, or even great uncle or aunt, who was likely on the spectrum if their child was diagnosed. This can actually be a good thing. Looking back at experiences one had with these relatives can be a great start in understanding your child.

08/24/2022

Are you in an Autistic/Neurotypical relationship and struggling with communication, understanding, and solutions?

Are you tired of groups, pages, and helping professionals, who put all of the blame and pressure to change on one partner?

Please consider a visit to my page for FREE content and information on these unique partnerships! ❤️

08/24/2022

The Double Empathy Problem and How It Impacts Autistic/Neurotypical (AS/NT) Relationships

Part 3: Applying The Platinum Rule

So if both autistic and Neurotypical people have empathy and empathy is not enough to navigate a relationship between these two, what DOES work?

There is a new deeper level of empathy required. The autistic and NT partners need to truly listen to each other and communicate their feelings and needs carefully. They can not assume that their partner will immediately “read between the lines” and understand them. They must patiently apply The Platinum Rule.

So what is The Platinum Rule? We all learn The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, as children. But The Platinum Rule is rarely taught. It dictates: “Do unto others as the other wants done unto them”. Which means, DON’T guess based on your own experiences. Listen, watch, and learn what your partner wants, needs, and loves.

Honestly, this is a good rule of thumb for any family, friend, or intimate relationship, but it is especially important when people’s brains are wired differently. And this is the most important part, BOTH partners have to focus on learning their partner and applying The Platinum Rule. A change in one partner won’t create true understanding or intimacy.

You are now armed with The Platinum Rule and know the best tool available to you to defeat The Double Empathy Problem.

Please SHARE these articles with anyone, who might benefit from them!

08/24/2022

The Double Empathy Problem and How It Impacts Autistic/Neurotypical (AS/NT) Relationships

Part 2: The Double Empathy Problem In Action

So if both autistic and NT people are capable of empathy and sensitivity, what goes wrong when these two people find themselves in relationship? Why can’t they connect, understand, and feel empathy for each other?

Because traditional empathy tends to follow The Golden Rule. We tend to do unto others as we want them to do unto us, based on our own feelings, experiences, and points of reference. And autistic and NT people process sensation, experience, and emotion very differently! In reality, both the autistic and the NT ARE using empathy, but our shoes don’t fit each other’s feet! We are too different for the conventional empathy strategy to work!

Here is an example: the NT partner has just lost their job and tearfully seek comfort from their autistic partner. The autistic partner sees the tears and feels the pain, so they ask themselves, “What would I need from my partner if I were in this situation?” Maybe the autistic partner decides that, if this were them, they would shut down and need space to process their grief. So they follow the Golden Rule and give their partner space.

But NTs do not think and process like autistic people. They are more likely to need their partner to listen and a hug and something to comfort them like a favorite meal or movie after such an upsetting event. But since their partner does not intuit this, they do not provide it. And the NT partner concludes that their autistic mate lacks empathy.

This happens in reverse as well. When an autistic person gets upset or melts down, they often need time and space to pull themselves together. They often react badly to being grabbed or touched in these moments and may react as if they are being restrained in this state. But the NT partner does not know this. They are asking themselves, “What would I need if I were this upset?”

Unfortunately, the answer they come up with is often comfort, listening, and a hug. You can imagine how this goes when the NT tries to apply the Golden Rule here! The autistic partner feels pushed and pressured at their most vulnerable moment. They conclude that their NT mate just “doesn’t get them” and maybe even lacks empathy.

Sound familiar?

So if traditional empathy and The Golden Rule are not going to resolve the Double Empathy Problem, what DOES work?

Look for Part 3: Applying The Platinum Rule.

08/24/2022

The Double Empathy Problem and How It Impacts Autistic/Neurotypical (AS/NT) Relationships

Part 1: What is Empathy and When Does It Fail?

The theory known as the Double Empathy Problem was coined by Dr. Damian Milton to explain a phenomenon that has long plagued AS/NT relationships. For decades, doctors and therapists have theorized that autistic people were simply incapable of experiencing empathy for others. Milton, however, captured a far more profound truth, which is that autistic and NT people lack empathy for each other, based on alternate states of mind, experiences, and points of view.

To simplify, people tend to refer to having empathy as, “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes”. This sounds sensitive and profound, but careful consideration shows the limitations of this level of empathy. It is still my feet in your Keds, after all. Considering how I would feel in your situation does not necessarily tell me how YOU feel about it. Knowing how I would react in your position won’t always predict your reaction.

Our beings, lives, and circumstances could be very different, which will give us different instincts, histories, interpretations, experiences, and reactions. You might be a different gender, economic class, ethnicity, or race than me. We may practice different religions. We may have different cultural experiences.

And, even more profoundly, our brains may be wired differently.

Time and time again, autistic people have proven themselves to be capable of GREAT empathy........for other autistic people. We tend to be able to pick out other autistic people in crowds, to know when other autistic people are uncomfortable, and to intuit how to respond to this discomfort. Sometimes the best caregiver for an autistic person.

And NTs are often renowned for their empathy, especially towards each other. They tend to know how to meet each other’s needs and comfort each other’s pain.

So if both autistic and NT people have empathy and are making an effort, what creates the Double Empathy Problem?

Look for Part 2: The Double Empathy Problem In Action

08/23/2022

08/23/2022

Hi Everyone!

My name is Wendy Katz Erwin and I am an MSW, a Relationship Coach trained by the Relationship Coaching Institute, and, most importantly, an Autistic (AS) woman married to an amazing Neurotypical (NT) man.

Our marriage is built on a strong foundation of communication, mutual understanding, acceptance, and negotiated solutions, and I truly want to help EVERY AS/NT couple find the same bliss in their lives that I am lucky enough to experience! ❤️

My couples coaching paradigm is a unique blend of life and relationship coaching, reflective listening, and using mutual understanding to negotiate unique solutions, which meet both partners’ needs. There is no shame, blame, or taking sides in coaching! It is a positive process in which both partners’ feelings and needs are equally important.

Positive growth and change requires a willingness to bend from both partners. I am strongly against any coaching or counseling model, which requires one partner to change who they are to benefit the other. The best relationships involve two partners, who value their partner’s needs as highly as their own and are willing to meet in the middle.

AS/NT couples do experience unique communication challenges, and helping partners with differing neurotypes to understand each other fully is the mission of my life. Once understanding and empathy is achieved, solutions are usually the easy part.

I offer Zoom coaching, both audio and video to interested AS/NT couples located anywhere and offer flexible hours when needed. I offer my services on a sliding scale, since my mission is so important to me. If you are interested, please follow this page or message me for more information.

08/23/2022