Ethan's Journey

Ethan's Journey *Ethan was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML) on December 17, 2018,

Hey everyone, sorry i missed Mothers day....it was pretty rough. I feel like im just now recovering, it hurt more than m...
05/23/2025

Hey everyone, sorry i missed Mothers day....it was pretty rough. I feel like im just now recovering, it hurt more than my birthday. Im starting to feel the grief wave lift again, but im always fearful of the next one. Im still writing poems and letters to Ethan, but my letters to him are getting less. Work works me hard, and keeps me busy, and it's helping. Dad is also working hard, but we took some time to go camping a couple weeks ago. We love the lake, Ethan loved the lake, it still feels so peaceful by the water. I was a little worried because it was the first time camping without him, and he was such a lake kid lol. His absence out there will always be heavy on us, but it was nice to go. I hope you like the poem, I actually wrote it this morning. It definitely reflects how I feel some days....most days I guess....missing him is so hard. I'll continue to write throughout this first year, it kinda just pours out of me sometimes and I have to write it down!! Im thinking about putting together a digital book online at some point. It'll include lots of poems, pictures, some "letters to Ethan", and possibly some short stories. Im always throwing it around in my head, but never actually do anything about it. Would anyone be interested in a book like that? I'm just not sure i want to write an Ethans Journey book yet, I think it could pull me backwards re-living some of the things i just wanna forget. I got a call the other day that his autopsy report is finally ready to review. For a second I couldn't even think, and then the tears came and didn't stop. I dont think i want to know everything that was going on, because I know it was a lot, and I dont want to think about him suffering anymore. Whether I wanna look or not, it's coming, ill just decide when it gets here how much i want to see.
I posted this particular picture because I was thinking about some of the things i miss the most. I loved napping with my kids when they were little!! Ethan still napped with me occasionally up until he passed away. Mostly it was because he was so tired from being sick, otherwise he would've had way to much energy to ever bother with a nap lol. I still treasure those movie days & lazy nap days we shared together. I hope everyone is doing well, and we all have a wonderful & blessed summer! I'll continue to check in here and there, and i want to thank those of you who randomly check in on us. We appreciate the continued support and love from all of you. Thanks everyone, have a great day!! ❤️

Hi everyone, i was asked for permission for this post, but she was unable to post so im doing it for her. I hope everyon...
05/22/2025

Hi everyone, i was asked for permission for this post, but she was unable to post so im doing it for her. I hope everyone is doing well, and ill post soon with a family update. Thank you everyone!! ❤️

This is posted with permission.

My name is Michelle Saunders. I battled the same cancer as Ethan and had a bone marrow transplant 7 years ago.

The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society is a huge help to anyone battling blood cancers and their families. They give so much financial and emotional support to patients, their families and caretakers.

I have been asked to help raise funds for their National Visionaries Fundraiser this year. My daughter is so excited to do this so we have the donation page under her name. She has a goal of raising $50,000, which is no small feat.

Please help me help others that battle the same cancer as Ethan and myself.

Meghan's Visionaries of the Year Fundraiser

https://pages.lls.org/voy/ut/utah25/msaunders

05/02/2025

Happy Birthday to my mom Rita, and my "big" son Dylan!!! I love you guys so much!! Ethan would hopefully remember to text you both lol, and i hope you always have those messages. I wish you both nothing but "the best day ever" today....as he would say lol. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! ❤️ 😍 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊

04/26/2025

Hi everyone, i know its been a little while. Tomorrow is 6 months since my sweets went to heaven, and im missing him so much. I miss days like this, when he was healthy and active, this is how I like to remember him. Work has been going just OK, its harder than I thought to get back out there. The work itself isn't hard, it's struggling with triggers and high emotions I can't control or even handle sometimes. Thankfully everyone is very understanding, and im grateful for that. At home it's easier to keep control, but i also know i don't have to be in control at home so that pressure isn't there. Im getting back into counseling to help me figure out how to cope with triggers at work....it'll just take more time to get there i guess. Im still writing to him, writing poems, reading grief books....whatever i can to not fall into a depression I can't get myself out of. Today I'm listening to our music, looking at pictures, watching videos, and letting myself feel everything i don't want to feel. It hurts but getting it all out is what works best for me, so im just gonna cry it out until I'm done. Chris is struggling too, and continues to work work work.....and now fish fish fish as well lol!! I went fishing with him once so far, but that's difficult too, Ethan was always there fishing with us. Were both just trying to find our way through it, and we're both doing our best. Missing him is so hard, some days it's still hard to even believe still. How can he really be gone, how is this really true.....but reality sets in and the nightmare continues. Not everyday is terrible now though, some days aren't so bad, it's just that the bad ones are really bad. Easter wasn't so great, I was supposed to work and tried, but I didn't make it 30 minutes before a total meltdown. Tomorrow I made sure to switch up my shift knowing I'll be a mess. Mothers day will be the same, but at least I'm recognizing my triggers and preparing for them. We have a big family camping trip coming up and it's nice to have something to look forward to. Family has by far been the best medicine and I'm blessed and grateful to have the family that I have. I'll probably hop back on here on Mothers Day and share some photos, but don't hold me to it lol. Thanks everyone for continuing to pray for us, check in on us, and continuing to honor my sweets and his precious life. ❤️

Happy Sunday everyone!! Well I survived my birthday, but im glad it's over lol. We had a nice dinner last night to final...
03/23/2025

Happy Sunday everyone!! Well I survived my birthday, but im glad it's over lol. We had a nice dinner last night to finally end all the celebrations, and im glad & proud of all of us for getting through it. I still feel like holidays & birthdays are something I have to overcome, and just "get through ". Eventually they'll feel more like celebrations again, rather than how it feels right now. Ethan has been rampant in my dreams again, if I'm not dreaming specifically about him, he's popping in for a chameo in most of them lol! The very best one was the night of my birthday in fact, which i wasn't expecting because I dreamed about him the night before as well....he's spoiling me lol. The best part is he was finally the Ethan before he passed away, not baby Ethan or 5 year old Ethan....my forever 10 year old Sweets that I've been wanting to see. It was a long dream, so I won't rattle on through the whole thing, but it was the best one yet! We actually TALKED to each other, he HUGGED me twice so tight, and it was wonderful. I also saw my other grandma as well, and she hugged me too!! Now I've seen, felt, and spoke to both my grandma's that have passed, and my sweet Ethan. I've never gotten to talk to or feel them before, and I haven't drempt about my grandma's in a very long time. They are very vivid dreams, and it's been amazing to see all of them, I miss all of them like crazy. I wake up feeling hopeful, warm, loved....its amazing. I was still pretty sad on my actual birthday, as amazing as it feels to dream of them, missing them is still so hard. Time will bring more healing, but I still never know when something will trigger my emotions. I'm learning how to cope with those triggers in my own way, ill continue to take it day by day, and give myself grace when I know i need to. I added a couple new poems, writing really does give me an outlet for my grief. Hope you enjoy them, thank you everyone!! Thank you for the birthday wishes & cards as well, and for all of your continued support of me and my family. I'm amazed at this incredible group, you guys are truly AMAZING, and we are very blessed & grateful for all of you. ❤️

Hi everyone, FIVE more days until my birthday, and I've never dreaded a birthday more than ill dread this one. I sure do...
03/14/2025

Hi everyone, FIVE more days until my birthday, and I've never dreaded a birthday more than ill dread this one. I sure do miss him, he always made my day SO special, and I know I'll be missing him a ton!! This birthday in the photos was extra special because he wanted to give me a surprise birthday party. He knew nobody ever had before, and that's just how sweet my sweets really was. Thoughtful and kind, thinking what he can do for his mom even though he was in the hospital. I'll never forget that birthday, and probably always remember the first one without him. I'm still writing a lot, mostly letters and poems, and I think i have enough to possibly publish a book of them. Im still working on it, and thinking about it. I added a recent one below, I hope you like it. I still have not started work yet, I ended up getting the stomach flu on my first day, and was sick for 3 days. I'm grateful they pushed me back to the next training class, so now I'll start on the 24th. I guess it works out, i would've worked on my birthday, and now I'll have it off. I'm also posting now, because I know I'll be a puddle of mess that day lol, how can I not be. Not every day is full of doom though, more and more, little by little....its gets a bit easier. I still cry a lot, still never know when the littlest thing will send me into a spiral, but it gets a bit easier. Thanks for listening, take care everyone!!! ❤️ 😍

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of your kind words, and that so many of you still think of us...think of Ethan. He ...
03/07/2025

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of your kind words, and that so many of you still think of us...think of Ethan. He was about this old in one of my dreams, so energetic, running and jumping around me, my little jumping bean like I used to call him lol. Funny thing is, I didn't ask Ethan to visit me this time, i asked God. I asked God to send him to me, because I needed him, and he answered me with the longest dream I've ever had. Two dreams, back to back, baby Ethan & little Ethan. It was everything I needed & more, and restored some forgotten faith that needed restored. As im writing this I hear birds singing outside, silly noises that I'm not sure where they are coming from, and I dont just feel Ethan, i feel God too. Thank you for continuing to follow even though i don't post as much, im grateful for this platform to continue to share Ethans Journey. Im thankful for all of you who follow, who have been there for us in so many ways, you guys are an inspiration every day. We live in a scary and ugly world sometimes, but you are pieces of what is still so beautiful, what still remains humane in an inhumane world sometimes. I'll never regret sharing him, he was supposed to be shared, he was supposed to inspire, and he was supposed to go home so soon, because his purpose was fulfilled, and he did it well. I know he didn't want to leave us, I know those tears the day before he left us were his goodbye now, only sad because he couldn't say it. I will always miss him, and ill always love him more every day, because my love for him only grows more and more every day that passes. I hope he's still helping people, I hope this brings HOPE to those who have suffered such a loss as great as his. He's amazing, always will be, and I couldn't be more proud to be Ethans mom. I'll check back again, maybe on my birthday lol, thanks everyone, you guys are the best!!! ❤️

Good morning everyone, i finally dreamed about him last night, all night in fact, and even more than one dream!! It was ...
03/07/2025

Good morning everyone, i finally dreamed about him last night, all night in fact, and even more than one dream!! It was a lot, but it was just what I needed, and im grateful. Its not my birthday yet, but I consider it an early birthday present, and the best gift I could've asked for. I wrote him a letter as soon as I woke up, trying to remember everything, but it was a little fuzzy even though it was a long dream. After I wrote his letter, I wrote this poem, he sure does inspire me. Hope you guys like it, and it's nice to share something again. Take care everyone!! ❤️

Hi everyone, checking in, can you believe 100 days have passed since our sweets went to heaven? Some days it still feels...
02/04/2025

Hi everyone, checking in, can you believe 100 days have passed since our sweets went to heaven? Some days it still feels like yesterday, others are a little easier, and some i just don't think about anything at all. Chris continues to work hard, and it looks like I have also found myself a job. It's close by, and hopefully will be a good fit for me, and hopefully I'm as ready as I think i am lol. I just don't think hiding in my house, crying, and being alone all the time is working for me anymore. I'm not gonna stop missing him, or being sad he's gone, and im grateful for the time I've had to grieve at home, but life doesn't stop just because my world did, and we gotta keep pushing forward as best we can. If it's too soon I'll deal with it then, but for now i feel confident that I'm ready. I'll start in March, so I have a little time to get used to the idea, and with my birthday coming, working will be a good distraction. I just know I'm gonna be an emotional mess on my birthday without him, he made it so special for me, he was incredibly thoughtful....and i miss that so much!! There's nothing i don't miss, and nothing i won't always miss about our sweet & sassy little Ethan. I recently purchased mini urns & necklaces for ashes for family. Everyone wants something of his, but im having trouble parting with his stuff now, so what's better than a little piece of Ethan you can keep with you always!! Everyone loves the idea, and im happy his permanent urn showed up in time to go to the funeral home along with the rest. Im looking forward to him coming back home, it feels a little weird to not have him in his beautiful cabinet, surrounded by his things, where I know he's safe. We are ALL looking forward to the superbowl, and hope our Chiefs get their 3peat & make history!! I know Ethan will be with us, watching & cheering for his favorite team!!! 😍
For those of you who are still sending donations, it want to thank you so much for that. To me it's a gift, you gave me the time i needed to grieve, and im forever grateful. I have closed out the gofund.me, we are very grateful for your support, and we will always be thankful for all of you guys. Im only keeping venmo, but I may get rid of that too, i hardly use it. I'm looking forward to earning a paycheck again, i need to make a paycheck again soon, and hoping to feel some normalcy that goes with it. One day at a time we'll get there, one day at a time we're slowly healing, one day at a time we'll all be ok. Thanks everyone ❤️

I wrote this the other day, i hope you like it. I was feeling pretty down that day so it's a little gloomy lol, but I li...
12/30/2024

I wrote this the other day, i hope you like it. I was feeling pretty down that day so it's a little gloomy lol, but I like it & wanted to share. Thanks everyone ❤️

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