08/02/2023
Do you struggle with setting boundries? Here are a few tips to help you out.
A very common question I get in my office is how can I get my partner/child/parent/etc. to do X. They are doing Y, and I want them to do X. Y is driving me crazy, and if I could just get them to do X, I would be happy. To begin with, this is a scenario that you can’t win. The reason why is simple: you do not have control over other people. If they are doing Y, you cannot force them to do X. Let’s say X is helping clean up the house after the kids go to bed, and Y is your partner refusing to stop playing video games long enough to help you. First of all, lets acknowledge the injustice going on here. You are clearly in the right for expecting your partner to be a real partner and help out with household chores. However, the rightness of your position does not change your partner’s attitude. So, let’s talk about what you can do.
First of all, you need to have a serious conversation with your partner. You need to state a boundary and make it clear that you are not ok with the current status quo. You cannot expect your partner to respect a boundary that has not been stated. Clear communication from the very beginning will help tremendously in getting your needs met. I would suggest honest straightforward communication. Do not hint at your needs. State them clearly. This may be all that’s needed. Your partner may have not known how their behavior was affecting you. By clearly stating your needs, you have put the ball in their court.
If you have tried the first step and your needs are still not being met, it is now time to present choices to your partner. For example, you can say, “We can either clean the house now, or we can do it in the morning before work, but it needs to be done.” This gives them some level of control and makes it more likely that they will comply with your request. You are giving them two options that you are ok with and restating the option that is off the table. This will work with most people, however, if it doesn’t work, you are not out of options.
Now comes the magic of boundaries. There is a misunderstanding that boundaries are about controlling the other person. In reality, boundaries are about controlling your behaviors. That’s great news, because unlike trying to control other people, you actually have full control over what you do. If your partner is still not complying with a reasonable request, it’s now time to give a warning about how you will respond if the behavior continues. The best response is what behaviorists call a logical consequence. A logical consequence is a consequence that naturally flows from a given behavior. For example, a logical consequence for your mother-in-law being rude to you every time she comes over is to not allow her in your home. So, in our situation, your partner is refusing to help with basic household chores. My guess is that you do lots of household chores for your partner that benefit them. A logical consequence could simply be that you will no longer do them if your partner does not do their part as well. Two weeks of dirty laundry may be just what they need to get the message. It’s very important here that you warn before you act. It’s better to not have to put consequences into action if you can help it. However, sometimes boundaries need to have teeth before they are respected.
Once you have given clear communication, presented the other person with choices, and warned of a consequence, it is now time to enact the stated consequence. It is very important here that you follow through with your warning. If you do not, you in effect never set a boundary to begin with. They will see that the boundary has no teeth and is no longer something they will respect. Follow through is one of the hardest steps in setting boundaries, but it is a crucial step. Here is where setting boundaries really comes into its own. No matter what your partner does at this point, your life is better. If your partner, in spite of your clearly stated boundaries, does not comply with your need for assistance, you have less laundry to do now. You have enacted the consequence of not doing some of the household chores that benefit your partner and your work load is diminished. Best of all, it is not contingent on compliance from your partner. That is the magic of setting boundaries.
Last but not least, I'm well aware that for some of you, the person that you are setting a boundary with is not a safe person. The above suggestions should only be used with a safe partner. If you are being abused, trying to set a boundary may make life harder. Your boundary in a situation like this may have to involve your feet. In other words, distance may be the only boundary that is safe for you to use. Use wisdom when setting boundaries and remember that your safety is the highest priority.
