Dr. William Ryan

Let’s be an attractive couple in public.

You don’t have to agree with your partner at all times (it’s a guarantee that you won’t), but you will be wise to have their back in front of others.

Disagreeing with them in front of others can make your partner feel betrayed or even feel threatened. You can protect the security of your relationship by publicly backing them up and privately letting them know how you really feel. Plus, they will be more receptive to hearing your point of view if you share it with them this way.

Winning arguments with your romantic partner is a losing strategy for lasting relationships.

Many a relationship has disintegrated because of a consistent refusal to surrender certainty and righteousness. The desire to “win” your arguments is harmful to both your partner AND you. If you win every fight, that asymmetry will affect how your partner feels and behaves in your relationship.

When you argue with your partner, agree not to fight over whose memory is correct and set out to find a win-win solution that allows you both to walk away happy. This will preserve a sense of fairness and equity, which will protect the security of your relationship over the long term.

Simply true

Threats to a relationship amount to an existential concern. They shouldn’t be used frivolously as a way to win an argument. Doing so can make your partner feel less safe in their union with you.

You are responsible for the safety and security of your relationship. If anything comes up to threaten it, make sure you handle the issue immediately.

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To a certain degree, we are all predictable. Becoming experts on one other is critical because it will help you strategically prevent problems. If you know how your partner will reflexively react to certain words or behaviors, you can approach them in a way that will put them at ease rather than trigger them.

Prevention is the key here, but it’s not always possible. When an issue does arise, address and repair it right away. Conflict avoidance is never a good strategy.

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To truly repair the pain you have caused, you’ll need to do more than say, “I’m sorry.”

An effective apology involves:

💞 Eliminating distractions

💞 Going face-to-face

💞 Getting specific about what you are sorry for

💞 Completely taking ownership of your mistake without explaining your intentions

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When you say “I’m sorry,” get specific about what you are sorry for. Naming exactly what you’re sorry for can go a long way towards putting your partner at ease and healing their pain.

Avoid justifying yourself, saying you’re sorry for how they feel, or simply saying sorry as a brush-off.

Take full responsibility for your actions by calling them out and apologizing wholeheartedly.

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The past is a tool you can use to better care for each other in the future. It’s not something to fight over.

Secure-functioning partners don’t harp on the details of the past to determine whose memory is correct. They know memory is unreliable and that they are likely both wrong in some way. What matters is how they are feeling in the present and how they can prevent problems down the line.

Instead of arguing over how an event transpired, prioritize repairing injuries quickly and using this experience to form new agreements on how to better operate as a couple.

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Super advice!!

Continuing an argument for a long time will make it challenging to reach an agreement. The longer you are under stress, the fewer mental resources you will have to spare, and the more difficult it will be to stay emotionally regulated.

So set a time limit the next time you argue. 15 minutes is the absolute longest I would recommend, but you can (and may want to) shorten that limit.

If you haven’t resolved the issue during that period, repair hurt feelings and make sure you are both ok for the time being. Agree to return to the discussion when you are both better regulated.

!!!

Routine moments of transition, where you separate and reunite, can be extremely powerful points to foster feelings of security and intimacy. Whenever possible, spend quality time with one another during these moments:

💞 Waking up
💞 Leaving for work
💞 Returning home
💞 Going to sleep

Eliminate distractions and simply be together, even if for only a moment. You might gaze into one another’s eyes, physically embrace, or whisper lovingly to one another.

This time should be stress-free and centered around the two of you. Avoid watching TV, scrolling social media, fighting, gossiping, and discussing relationship problems or any topics that cause existential threat.

The plain truth.

There is nothing redeeming about harshness. It has no value of any kind.

Think of any moment calling for leadership, as a parent to your child, as an important team member at work – harshness has no constructive place in any of these situations. We’ve come to accept that an encouraging leader gets better results than a critic. Mostly, we’ve tamped down harshness toward others.

But what about ourselves?

It seems we’ve never been more harsh on ourselves as we are right now.

The truth is, that harsh criticism is your adaptive child, it’s not your wise adult.

Catch those moments of self-criticism, thank your adaptive child for their good intentions, but then allow the adult part of you to take care of itself and the inner child parts.

Treat your relationship to 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧as thoughtfully as you treat your external relationships ❤️

Hey, would you mind if I ….

Asking your partner for permission is not the same as asking a parent for permission. Among equals, this is simply a sign of respect and an awareness of your separateness and autonomy. In a relationship, your decisions and plans will impact each other. Checking in and running decisions by one another is an important part of acting as a team.

Conversations with Therapists, Dr. William Ryan

Do you want to restore your relationship with your partner? Dr. William Ryan has been helping couples for over 30 years and shares his expertise and advice for couples. Watch this video to learn more or visit drwilliamryan.com.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjecGSjnwiU

Conversations with Therapists, Dr. William Ryan Do you want to restore your relationship with your partner? Dr. William Ryan has been helping couples for over 30 years and shares his expertise and advice f...

We have ingrained automatic fast-acting survival responses. Under interpersonal or other threat, humans may display any of 5 acute stress responses, including:
Fight
Flight
Freeze
Fawning (attempting to please)
Flop

Dr. William Ryan, intro video for PT

Take the first steps on your journey to a brand new life. Whether you’re suffering from anxiety or your marriage is in trouble, I will help you visualize your next step.

Dr. William Ryan, intro video for PT

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Stay pointed forward as a couple rather than looking back. Arguing over whose memory is correct won’t be helpful to you. Instead, use the past to inspire you to form new agreements or strategize on how to avoid making the same mistakes.

I tell my patients who come into therapy cynical and hopeless that I hold hope for their healing for three main science-based reasons. Here they are:

1. Neuroplasticity - the brain can change from birth to death in the right environment with the right interventions.

2. Processing emotions in the body, instead of avoiding emotions, has transformational power.

Read “It’s Not Always Depression” (Random House & Penguin Uk) for stories that show exactly how emotions are brought into awareness and safely processed up and out through the body. WE CANNOT THINK OUR WAY OUT OF EMOTIONS!

3. The healing power of openhearted relationships. Read “It’s Not Always Depression” (Random House & Penguin Uk) for stories that show exactly what creating emotional safety looks like.

Keep learning more about emotions and how to move through them for healing.

MORE RESOURCES:

“It's Not Always Depression, Sometimes It's Shame” on my blog: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/post/2015/06/30/its-not-always-depression-sometimes-its-shame

“When Buried Anger Leads to Depression & How To Heal” on my blog: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/post/depression-anger-neglect

“A New Way To Understand and Treat Depression and Suicidal Thoughts: Part 1 - The Story of Alex” on my blog: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/post/depression-and-suicidality-part-1

Take good care and keep working the Change Triangle! It’s a life-changing tool. ❤️🤗

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Our brains are energy-conserving. They will do as little as possible until they must do more.

It’s incredibly common for partners to treat clarification as unnecessary or even frustrating. Both the speaker and the listener may feel persecuted by a lack of understanding. This can lead to an elevated heartbeat and blood pressure, the perception of threat, and fight, flight, or freeze.

Recognize that this is a trap. We are misunderstanding each other most of the time, especially the people we are closest to. When we don’t know someone well, we pay more attention. Our brains start to take shortcuts when we get closer.

Mistakes should be expected. Clarification will be needed. The fault is not you or your partner – this is just a part of the human condition.

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If you can run circles around your partner when you fight, that’s a sign that you need to slow down.

We don’t all have the same social-emotional processing speed. Some of us are quicker than others. Now, this isn’t about intelligence. Your ability to process information faster doesn’t make you smarter, but it does give you an unfair advantage when you argue.

You could “win” every argument simply because you are so quick, but in the end, those wins won’t be good for you. They will create an imbalance which will lead to resentment and damage the security of your relationship.

Be mindful of the position your partner is in when you argue. Remember: you can slow down, your partner can’t speed up.

Shifting your relationship from 'me' to 'we'

Shifting your relationship from 'me' to 'we' In Terrence Real's new book, the renowned marriage and family therapist argues that our society's extreme focus on individualism comes with a cost: extreme disconnection from one another in our interpersonal relationships.

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Almost everything we do is by memory. We have blazing fast recognition systems in the brain that help us operate routinely and reflexively. This is why we rather predictably do the same (sometimes stupid) things over and over again.

No matter how earnestly you say, “I won’t do that again,” chances are, you will – unless you’re prompted.

This is where being in a secure relationship can come in handy. You can prompt one another to become more mindful of an automatic behavior it happens or as it comes up. To do this, you have to set up an agreement ahead of time.

If either of you finds a behavior annoying, hurtful, distracting, or threatening, ask your partner, “Do I have your permission to prompt you next time when you do that? And do you agree to yield immediately if I do?”

Both parts of this are important, as the partner who is hurt by the behavior cannot be fully relieved unless the offending partner is completely on board with this idea. Agreeing to yield when prompted means agreeing not to pushback, complain (verbally or nonverbally), defend, attack, withdraw, or otherwise be difficult.

If you’re the offending partner, remember that you will want your partner to do the same when you’re bothered by one of their behaviors. What’s good for them is good for you too.

“At times it can seem glib, naïve, or perhaps even stupid to talk about loving all beings. When we look around our world, with wars, terrorist attacks, people killing each other over things like race, religion, and gender—so many incidents of beings inflicting pain on one another—how can we possibly hold space for loving everyone?

But this is, in fact, exactly why we must . . . We’re called to practice a love that is more courageous than all the terror we see in our world, because if we aren’t bold in our love, then the hate wins out. And there is nothing more stupid than that.

So we love one another even when it’s seemingly impossible; we look for the humanity behind the acts of hatred; we find our own pain in the pain of the world, and we meet it all with an intensity of love that is fitting of our intense times.” -- Jason Garner

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Under stress, most of us tend to revert to a one-person system, meaning:
“My needs are all that matter.”
This is why it’s so important to collaborate on agreements that will serve both of you when you’re feeling good. I refer to these agreements as Shared Principles of Governance. You might think of them as your relationship commandments or terms of service.

Essentially, this is a list of principles that you agree to abide by together. They will act as guard rails for when you least want to be cooperative. These agreements may include:

💞 We protect each other in public and in private
💞 If one of us is in distress, the other will drop everything to tend to them
💞 We are each other’s go-to and the first to know about major news in each other’s life
💞 We are fully transparent with one another
💞 We don’t throw each other under the bus in front of others

Come up with these principles when you are fully emotionally and mentally resourced. Don’t wait until you face a conflict together.

Art via• • “When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.” - Ram Dass

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Communication is far more difficult than we like to think. We can barely keep one topic straight in a conversation when we’re feeling good. When we’re in distress, that task becomes even more difficult.

Limit your arguments to one issue at a time. The more issues you pile on, the more likely you’ll misunderstand one another, get confused, and get even more upset.

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Bring playfulness into your relationship. A sense of playfulness can benefit every aspect of your relationship from your daily routines, s*x, chores, or even arguments. Play helps us learn about ourselves and others. It can prevent relationships from becoming overly serious and brittle.

I call these the troublesome triad.

This triad, if not understood as intrinsic to the human condition, will lead to countless misunderstandings that you and your partner will presume to be intentional and personal.

So how can you avoid these misunderstandings? Be curious, not furious.

Check and cross-check your perceptions: what you hear, what you say, and what your partner hears.

Ask yourself: Are we talking about the same thing? Is my face saying something different from my words? Is my voice? Is the shortcut I’m using with my partner really being understood?

All of us can become arrogant about what we believe is true. The best way to error-correct is to remain curious, friendly, flexible, humble, and open to being wrong. Your relationship’s integrity is what keeps you safe and secure, not your adherence to fact, righteousness, or perfection.

S*x talk dos and don’ts.

Talking can be a crucial part of lo******ng. It can help you better minister to each other, voice your feelings or concerns, and allow you to be more collaborative.

It can also dampen the mood. Talking to avoid intimacy, fill the silence, or mask anxiety can become a problem.

To avoid this, follow these simple dos and don’ts. 💞

A compromise suggests in part you both lose something. A good bargain suggests it’s a win-win, were you both gain something.

Don’t settle for anything less than win-wins!

This may seem like semantics – it’s not. Shifting how you frame your efforts to resolve a disagreement can make it easier for you to find a win-win solution.

A compromise implies that you both must give up something to make the other happy.

A bargain implies you both will get something that makes you happy.

Shifting your focus onto all of the ways you can sweeten the deal for each other will make it easier for you both to walk away happy.

In general, when couples are arguing about too many things, it’s a sign that they have not repaired injuries or misunderstandings. I like to see these unrepaired misunderstandings go into that warehouse of resentments, that can get so heavy it crushes the relationship. So I would add to this post, that we should repair misunderstandings and injuries within 30 to 60 minutes, to prevent them from filling that long-term memory warehouse.

We can hardly handle one topic at a time when we are feeling good. It only becomes more difficult to do when we’re upset. If you want to move forward on resolving an issue, make sure you’re not introducing tangential issues as you argue.

If you’re arguing about the past, you’re likely both wrong in some way. Memory is inherently flawed. You’ll always be better off focusing on repairing hurt feelings in the moment and agreeing on how to prevent the problem from happening in the future.

We can only be rational when we are feeling safe. Anything that threatens the safety and security of your relationship or is too emotionally triggering for one of you must be dealt with right away. Additionally, if you hurt your partner without rapidly tending to their pain, you risk having that emotional injury enter long-term memory.

Really try this!

Try this exercise with your partner:

Sit across from each other and focus your attention on your partner’s face. Scan your body for tension and actively relax areas you feel tense up.

Gently tap your thigh when you notice a change in your partner’s face. Look at how their facial muscles tense, relax, or move. Is their coloring changing? Are their eyes moving? Have their pupils increased or decreased in size? Are their lips pursed or loose?

There’s no need to interpret what you see. Simply take note of as many changes as you can. Just being able to spot these changes can help you become better at reading each other when it matters most.

People don’t feel like apologizing for the good intentions. As the saying goes: “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.“. Nevertheless, it’s best to apologize for our ACTIONS which hurt our partner. 

You didn’t mean to hurt your partner, but you did. Your intentions can’t change that. What matters now is that you repair the issue.

They will feel secure, whole, and cared for when you fully own up to your mistake without explaining it away.

Dr. Ryan featured in the Huffington Post - Dr. William J. Ryan, Psychologist

‘The Bachelor’ is a failed experiment, so why does America still watch? In this article, Dr. Ryan helps readers understand the reality TV show that has captivated viewers for 20 years, even though fewer than 10 couples remain together.

https://drwilliamryan.com/dr-ryan-featured-in-the-huffington-post/

Dr. Ryan featured in the Huffington Post - Dr. William J. Ryan, Psychologist ‘The Bachelor’ is a failed experiment, so why does America still watch? In this article, Dr. Ryan helps readers understand the reality TV show that has captivated viewers for 20 years, even though fewer than 10 couples remain together. Click here to read the full article.

Live with Awareness Courage Love ❤️ ACL

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” -- Henri J.M. Nouwen

Excellent questions!!

Try writing an “Owner's Manual” for your relationship. Use these questions to get started. To go further, pretend that you have to instruct a stranger on how to take care of your partner. What else would they need to know?

After you both have done this, discuss what you wrote. See if there were any errors or items that were left out. Edit what you wrote to be as comprehensive as possible.

The more you know about your partner, the better you can care for them and manage your relationship together.

Dr. William Ryan updated their business hours.

Dr. William Ryan updated their business hours.

Some couples are conflict averse. They might be startled when I suggest they are “avoiding necessary conflict.“ “Necessary? What’s that?”

Conflicts are necessary and valuable for the evolution of a relationship. Conflicts properly managed help couples learn from each other and improve their relationship.

There is no way to truly avoid conflict in your relationship. An issue that is left unaddressed will fester and become worse over time.

Additionally, if you avoid conflict, you can come off as threatening to your partner. It’s incredibly likely that they will sense something is wrong, which will cause their brain to go negative and come up with all the worst possibilities.

So not only will resentment build in you, but tension and fear will build in them. That is not a recipe for success.

Make an agreement with your partner that you will address problems as soon as they come up - no matter what the issue is.

November 2003: I was invited to give a talk to the staff at the psychiatric hospital in Bangkok Thailand. These lovely psychologists were exceptionally gracious hosts.

It was noted that temperatures in Thailand are 90°F in the winter, and 120 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer. Only one unit had air conditioning, and patients had to pay extra to be housed there.

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.

Love Does Not Abuse: The Parenting Philosophy of bell hooks

Parenting from bell hooks.

“Too many of us need to cling to a notion of love that either makes abuse acceptable or at least makes it seem that whatever happened was not that bad.” While some people, especially conservatives and evangelicals, would balk at the claim that their allegedly loving parenting (which is actually based in cathexis) is in fact abusive or neglectful, hooks points to her operating definitions: love cannot include abuse and neglect. If abuse and neglect are present, that automatically means love is not.

—bell hooks
https://rlstollar.com/2020/12/06/love-does-not-abuse-the-parenting-philosophy-of-bell-hooks/?fbclid=IwAR2CF7eBSGuMuxKBdsg1Eqq0s5HTTCjriOZOGD0P54txwwqO0_kvaK4qp4k

Love Does Not Abuse: The Parenting Philosophy of bell hooks It is my hope that more progressive activists and thinkers will reflect on parenting and child care just as hooks has.

We recognize that for many people, our family of origin represents an emotional minefield. When we return to our family of origin for a holiday visit, both members of the couple should be able  to rely on each other for protection, safety and security. For many couples, a detailed plan of strategy, tactics, and logistics is necessary. In the minutes before we enter the home, review the plan.

Tensions can run high when families get together. You can’t control that, but what you can do is make sure that your relationship is a secure base from which you can navigate whatever problems come up.

Agree to have each other’s back and protect each other. Be careful not to throw your partner under the bus, side with someone else over your partner, or reveal private information about your partner.

Do not avoid necessary conflict.

Do not let that warehouse of misunderstandings and hurts get so heavy a crush is the relationship.

It’s impossible for two people to agree about everything, never annoy each other, and never make mistakes in dealing with each other.

Fights are bound to happen in a relationship. If they don’t, that’s not a good sign.

Conflict avoidance may feel good in the moment, but it can wear away at the security of your relationship. Problems don’t go away on their own. You have to address them as they come up. If you don’t, resentments will build.

“Some years ago, I was stuck on a crosstown bus in New York City during

rush hour. Traffic was barely moving. The bus was filled with cold, tired

people who were deeply irritated with one another, with the world itself.

Two men barked at each other about a shove that might or might not have

been intentional. A pregnant woman got on, and nobody offered her a seat.

Rage was in the air; no mercy would be found here.

But as the bus approached Seventh Avenue, the driver got on the

intercom."Folks," he said, "I know you have had a rough day and you are

frustrated. I can’t do anything about the weather or traffic, but here is

what I can do. As each one of you gets off the bus, I will reach out my

hand to you. As you walk by, drop your troubles into the palm of my hand,

okay? Don’t take your problems home to your families tonight, just leave

them with me. My route goes right by the Hudson River, and when I drive by

there later, I will open the window and throw your troubles in the water."

It was as if a spell had lifted. Everyone burst out laughing. Faces

gleamed with surprised delight. People who had been pretending for the past

hour not to notice each other’s existence were suddenly grinning at each

other like, is this guy serious?

Oh, he was serious.

At the next stop, just as promised, the driver reached out his hand, palm

up, and waited. One by one, all the exiting commuters placed their hand

just above his and mimed the gesture of dropping something into his palm.

Some people laughed as they did this, some teared up but everyone did it.

The driver repeated the same lovely ritual at the next stop, too. And the

next. All the way to the river.

We live in a hard world, my friends. Sometimes it is extra difficult to be

a human being. Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you have a bad day

that lasts for several years. You struggle and fail. You lose jobs, money,

friends, faith, and love. You witness horrible events unfolding in the

news, and you become fearful and withdrawn. There are times when everything

seems cloaked in darkness. You long for the light but don’t know where to

find it.

But what if you are the light? What if you are the very agent of

illumination that a dark situation begs for?. That’s what this bus driver

taught me, that anyone can be the light, at any moment. This guy wasn’t

some big power player. He wasn’t a spiritual leader. He wasn’t some

media-savvy influencer. He was a bus driver, one of society’s most

invisible workers. But he possessed real power, and he used it beautifully

for our benefit.

When life feels especially grim, or when I feel particularly powerless in

the face of the world’s troubles, I think of this man and ask myself, What

can I do, right now, to be the light? Of course, I can’t personally end all

wars, or solve global warming, or transform vexing people into entirely

different creatures. I definitely can’t control traffic. But I do have some

influence on everyone I brush up against, even if we never speak or learn

each other’s name.

"No matter who you are, or where you are, or how mundane or tough your

situation may seem, I believe you can illuminate your world. In fact, I

believe this is the only way the world will ever be illuminated, one bright

act of grace at a time, all the way to the river."

~Elizabeth Gilbert