13/08/2021
This story represents so much for me, and if you took the time to read it, I thank you.
Even though it took form slowly over the course of this last year, it really is the manifestation of a decade of inner work. A decade of fear, confusion, and a lot of stumbling around in the dark. A never ceasing battle between psyche and spirit.
Most of my life, my experience has been that of constantly running from the ever present storm, looming on the horizon. I could never stop to catch my breath, for if I did, I would be swallowed whole by the hurricane of anxiety that I was tirelessly evading. When I wasn’t doing or achieving, I was searching; I would dig, ever deeper through the muck of past conditioning and old stories, for the answer to how to ease this struggle of existence.
My 20’s was an epic adventure. If you had asked me then, I would have told you that I was going to strive to succeed at any cost. Not knowing, until recently, that it was really a quest to search for the key to the locked box hidden deep within my chest. The box that I knew was there waiting, keeping joy, peace and unconditional love just out of reach - until I was ready. I understood, conceptually, what these states of being could offer. But to me, they only existed as ideals, hidden away in the books that I tirelessly scoured.
Looking back, I haven’t been perfect. There were times I didn’t show up as my best. Times that I put the least important things ahead of those that were the most important. I wasn’t the best friend, son, brother, or lover. At times, I was opportunistic, cold, and selfish. As the adage goes, “hurt people, hurt people”.
But one of the most important lessons that I’ve learned, is that unconditional love, and by extension - peace and joy, cannot exist without true acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that although I did some unsavory things, or acted in ways that weren’t becoming of the highest expression of my character, I can honestly say, 100% of the time, I was doing my best. Or at least - what I thought was right. Peter Crone discusses the importance of reframing the idea of “forgiveness” to “acceptance”, and I’m here for it…
Continued in the next post…