05/08/2024
I couldnāt feel anything for almost a year.
Morning till night, every chance I got, I listened to political podcasts. It was more entertaining than any book or a movie (and I just adore action movies, especially Jason Statham ones). It was emotionally engaging, mentally stimulating, and so new to me.
Having grown up in Soviet Union, Iād been strongly vaccinated against any politics. I knew one thing: it is a world of manipulation, struggle for power, and lies, and getting to the truth is almost impossible, and even if possible ā entirely useless, or entirely too late. Yet, with so much going on in the world for the past few years, avoiding political talks, even with my friends and patients, has become impossible. So I began to educate myself.
The anger and hypocrisy that I observed around me made me want to learn more, and I discovered a bunch of political analysts and journalists that I could agree with on every issue. It was deeply satisfying, because finally I had the grounded arguments against the other side, whose rhetorics I instinctively resisted. For the first time in my life, I had a conscious political stance, and I knew I was in a good, solid company.
And two things happened to me very soon after. First, Iāve realized I am not myself anymore. My righteousness was feeding a strange creature inside me that demanded arguments, acknowledgment, and resolution. I have realized that the same creature lived in many of my opponents. And just as I thought that they were being either insincere or brainwashed, they had every right to think the same about me. We crave not just the sense of belonging, but the conviction of belonging to the right side. And it makes our world black and white.
The second thing was just that: Iād stopped enjoying colors, smells, and tastes. Iād stopped enjoying flowers. I received and bought many bouquets that I couldnāt even take a picture of, let alone experience any connection to. I accepted intimacy for the sake of comfort, not unity. I cooked food that would either sustain, or pleasantly numb me, but very rarely because it inspired or expressed me. The most weird symptom was me recently testing my date on his political views after our first drink. That wasnāt the woman I knew myself to be.
And so, having realized this today, I took a fresh look at my window. And this is what I saw. Color brings more light, and light shows more color. The world is worth just loving it. We have to share it in peace, or there will be nothing to share. And even if our side wins, weāll lose the taste of it. Donāt ask me about my political views, and please donāt share yours. I want to know about anything and everything that truly unites us, not unites us against others.
Joy
Art
Pleasure
Food
Love
