09/12/2025
IN NYT YESTERDAY
5 simple steps to calm yourself down
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By Jancee Dunn
I have an odd place that I like to visit when I’m unsettled: the Stop & Shop grocery store in my town.
The whole experience calms me — the ’80s tunes, the holiday décor (always on display two holidays in advance) and the new flavors of potato chips.
My loved ones are aware of my little quirk. Sometimes when I call my best friend after a bad day, she’ll say, “You know where you need to go.”
There are lots of ways to deal with the ups and downs of daily life, Marc Brackett, the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, told me. He’s developed a framework called RULER — recognize, understand, label, express and regulate — and it’s used in over 5,000 schools nationwide.
In his new book, “Dealing With Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want,” he explains the process. You’ll notice the emphasis on self-awareness. That’s on purpose, he said: “If you don’t know what you’re feeling, it’s hard to know what to do with your feelings.”
You can move through the steps pretty quickly, Dr. Brackett said, and they will get easier with practice. I asked him to take me through them.
Recognize
We experience a nonstop flow of emotions, Dr. Brackett writes, most of which come and go without us noticing. But sometimes, they can bubble up and take us by surprise.
So the first step is to pause, and accept and acknowledge that you’re feeling something significant enough to notice.
This is a useful step because “if we try to suppress things or push them away or ignore these feelings, they get bigger,” said Karthik Gunnia, a clinical assistant professor of applied psychology at N.Y.U. Steinhardt.
When you’re feeling something, do a quick scan of your body, and try to notice any new sensations that can provide clues about how you’re feeling, Dr. Gunnia said. For example, he told me that when he is anxious, he usually feels it in his stomach. If he’s angry, it often manifests as a tightness in his chest.
Even thinking something like, “I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I’m a feeling a lot,” is a good start, Dr. Gunnia said.
Understand
After you acknowledge that you’re feeling an emotion that demands your attention, Dr. Brackett said, “sit with it and be curious about it.”
Do some detective work about the cause and the context, and ask yourself: Why might I be feeling this way? Did someone say or do something that prompted my reaction? Was it an event, or a memory? Am I spotting any pattern in my reactions?
I noticed that I often feel sad after I make my daily sweep through my teen daughter’s room to tidy up. I sat with the feeling and realized it was because I always saw an actual empty nest in a tree outside her window. How did I not pick up on that symbolism? But I hadn’t, for weeks.
Label
Research suggests that the simple act of putting your feelings into words lowers your psychological distress. So practice using as many descriptive words as you can to identify how you’re feeling, Dr. Brackett said. If you’re stressed, try to tease out what additional feelings that brings up. Are you overwhelmed? Anxious? Fearful?
This labeling can take any form, Dr. Brackett said. It can be talking to someone or muttering under your breath to yourself about how you’re feeling.
To help you build emotional self-awareness, the team at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence codeveloped a free app called How We Feel, which has 144 different words to describe your feelings (such as “excluded,” “engaged” and “glum”) as well as their definitions. Or you can use the emotion wheel created by the psychologist Robert Plutchik for inspiration.
Express
After you’ve labeled your emotions, find a healthy outlet for them, Dr. Brackett said.
You can talk to a friend or even a pet, he said. If it’s possible, he said, never worry alone. “Our tendency when we’re worrying is to ruminate and spiral down,” he said, “which is never helpful in dealing with our feelings.”
Another person can offer perspective, he said, which can be hard to do on your own.
But there are solo activities you can try. Simply listening to music can help you express your emotions. Or you can write about your emotions in a journal, which is “a different form of talking to a close friend,” Dr. Brackett said. It can help you gain perspective and clarify complicated thoughts and feelings, he added.
Regulate
Now it’s time to regulate your emotions by finding the best strategies to manage and respond to them in a constructive way.
You can do something physical like take a walk or practice yoga; immerse yourself, even briefly, in nature; engage in something crafty like knitting or woodwork. Or retreat to your happy place — Dr. Brackett’s is a special corner of the couch.
Or try some deep breathing, which lowers stress. “Just tuning into the present moment can get you out of intense emotions,” Dr. Gunnia said.
You can also offer to help someone. When we shift attention from our own distress to care for or connect with others, Dr. Brackett said, we engage in what’s called prosocial emotion regulation.
But whatever you try, it’s worth learning to regulate your emotions. Those who do are less lonely, live longer and are more satisfied with their lives.
When I told Dr. Gunnia that I managed my feelings in my local grocery store, he reassured me that I wasn’t weird. “If Stop & Shop is effective for you, that’s great,” he said. “Whatever works.”
