Eric G. Schneider

07/07/2025

What most therapy gets wrong about anxiety.

Anxiety isn’t a malfunction. It’s a message — if we’re willing to listen.

03/26/2025

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on men, male culture, and the dynamics I’ve observed in cis het relationships—particularly the recurring theme of emotional labor imbalance. In my work, I’ve encountered countless cis het couples where women express frustration with feeling like they’re “raising another child” or navigating partners who treat intimacy as a transactional entitlement rather than a shared connection. Time and again, I hear these women articulate exhaustion with roles that demand they nurture, manage, or accommodate partners who contribute little emotional reciprocity.

This isn’t a new phenomenon, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that cis het women are reaching a breaking point. Many are consciously opting out of romantic relationships altogether, rejecting the idea that partnership is a necessity. They’re vocalizing a truth that resonates deeply: they don’t need men—and increasingly, they don’t want the unequal burdens traditional relationships often entail.

All of this reminded me of an article I revisited recently, which powerfully articulates these tensions. I wanted to share it with you.

A colleague posted this the other day and wanted to share it with you.

“Heteros*xual male culture is ho******ic; it is man-loving.”
To say that straight men are heteros*xual is only to say that they engage in s*x (f*cking exclusively with the other s*x, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and s*x.”
― Marilyn Frye, The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory

12/17/2024

One of the most debilitating behaviors in romantic relationships is placating and appeasing! It sets all those involved into a dynamic that erodes trust and contributes to resentment. Let’s look at it with a concrete example. Picture this: your partner asks if you could take the garbage out. You’re tired, you had a long day, and you’re not in the mood. But instead of saying, “I’m really wiped tonight, would you mind doing it or would you be willing for me to do it but later?” you go with the easy “Sure, no problem" and then not do it.

Now, let’s see how this small moment unfolds. You committed to something you don’t want to do to avoid that tiny spark of tension. Maybe you actually believe, in the moment, you will do it, but you forget about it. You have now disappointed your partner. The reality is, we will all, at some point, engage in behavior that will disappoint someone, but this is a particular kind of disappointment is very damaging and is often chronic.

Why does this kind of scenario matter? Research on trust and relationship satisfaction shows that consistency between words and actions is crucial (Rempel, Holmes, & Zanna, 1985; Gottman & Silver, 2015). Each time you say “yes” and then don’t follow through, you chip away at your partner’s faith in you. They start to think, “When they say they’ll do something, do they really mean it?” Over time, this builds a subtle but persistent doubt.

In the short run, placating feels like the path of least resistance: you avoid an awkward “no” and keep things calm. But that calm is superficial. Eventually, your partner catches on. They notice that “yes” often leads to inaction and disappointment. This isn’t just about groceries—it’s about reliability. If they can’t count on you for something as simple as a quick errand, what else might you flake on?

According to attachment and trust theories, authentic communication—even if it’s uncomfortable—is what creates a stable foundation for intimacy (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2010; Reis & Shaver, 1988). When you say “I’m too tired tonight,” you’re allowing your partner to know the real you—your preferences, your limitations, and your honest state of mind. This kind of openness fosters mutual understanding and sets the stage for compromise: maybe they’ll offer to go together tomorrow, or maybe they’ll understand that you need a break now and then.

By contrast, the placating approach leads to frustration, confusion, and eventually mistrust. The cost is that your partner never knows if your “yes” is genuine or just a placeholder to avoid immediate discomfort. Over time, as psychologists John Gottman and Nan Silver (2015) have discussed, these small betrayals of trust accumulate, contributing to erosion of the relationship’s foundation.

So the next time you’re tempted to say “yes” when you mean “no” just to keep the peace, think ahead. Short-term harmony often leads to long-term strain, and that’s a cost no one wants to pay. Instead, choose honesty in the moment. It might feel riskier, but it actually lays the groundwork for real trust—the kind that makes a relationship strong and resilient.

References
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2010). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

Rempel, J. K., Holmes, J. G., & Zanna, M. P. (1985). Trust in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49(1), 95–112.

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. R. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367–389). Wiley.

11/18/2024

"Without facts, you can’t have truth. Without truth, you can’t have trust. Without all three, we have no shared reality, and democracy as we know it—and all meaningful human endeavors—are dead."
Ressa, Maria A . How to Stand Up to a Dictator: The Fight for Our Future (p. 4). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

Applies to all relationships!

10/21/2024

Setting up some free Zoom talks.
What would you say works best for you?
Weekday evening?
Weekend late morning?

Please let me know which works best for you!

10/07/2024

Hi there, I hope you're doing well. I've been reflecting on anxiety and its impact on dating, relationships, and s*x, and it plays a much bigger role than I originally thought. While we often think of anxiety as just "butterflies in the stomach," there's so much more to it.

Anxiety is actually a signal—one that indicates unconscious feelings or emotions, often tied to past experiences, are surfacing in the present. If those feelings aren’t connected to and processed, anxiety leads to behavior patterns aimed at relieving the discomfort, but these patterns often don’t solve the problem.

Anxiety can show up in different ways: confusion, fuzzy thinking, difficulty focusing, ringing in the ears, or a sense of being overwhelmed. Sometimes people even experience tunnel vision. It can also manifest as worry, rumination, or self-critical thoughts (it’s important to note that thoughts don’t cause anxiety—they’re attempts to cope with it but often make things worse, like adding fuel to the fire).

Physical symptoms of anxiety might include stomach issues, nausea, frequent urination, or even migraines and tension headaches. For some, it causes muscle tension, especially in the back, neck, and shoulders, leading to pain and discomfort.

Everyone experiences anxiety to some degree, but these extreme signs I’m describing tend to cause problems rather than help you deal with what’s really going on.

Would you be interested in a free talk about anxiety, the many forms it takes, and how to regulate it so you can address its root causes and ease its more intense forms? If so, just hit the like button and let me know!

05/06/2024

I have been thinking about this a lot this week as patients share their struggles with me.

BMW—Bitching, Moaning, Whining, and let's add complaining—can serve as a sort of emotional comfort food. While there are times it's defendable, what happens when it becomes more than just venting? When it turns into a daily habit, a chronic state that even ropes in some extra sympathy for the ongoing saga?
Sometimes, venting can illuminate how you feel about a person or situation, but often, it simply maintains the status quo without addressing the underlying conflicts.

Consider a few common scenarios:
"I love my job, and my boss keeps promising to make me full-time." Yet, you continue to work harder without any change in your employment status.
"My partner is mean and constantly criticizes me." This leaves you feeling hurt and degraded.
"She's so manipulative, I just shut down and go cold." What else can I do?
"I'm anxious about the economy; my industry is struggling, and I'm always worried." Yet, deep down, you feel like any attempt to change things might just end in failure.

These examples highlight some troubling traits:
They externalize the issue, placing blame on circumstances or others.
They justify remaining passive.
They seek sympathy for this passivity, sometimes offering the perk of getting others' sympathy.
They embody a stance of helplessness.
They involve wishful thinking, hoping for a magical change.

People who often engage in BMW typically display a pattern of passive, reactive behavior, presenting a sort of pseudo-helplessness. They might not realize it, but reinforce their passivity with every complaint.

Take the job scenario, for instance: The person enjoys their work and hopes it becomes permanent, including all the perks of full-time employment. The boss hints at progress, yet no firm promise or timeline is provided. Believing you must constantly prove your worth, even after you've already shown your value, is a trap, primarily when the company benefits from not escalating your position. At the same time, this person does nothing about constructing an exit plan.

Regarding the relationship struggles, The descriptions are more about perceived behaviors from a partner, leading to a helpless stance. What's missing here is self-assertion.

Sylvan Tomkins once described the action tendency of anger as self-assertion. Anger often gets a bad rap because it's frequently conflated with aggression or destructive behavior. Yet, feeling anger is a natural reaction to disliking something; it's the expression of it that can go awry. We learn early on that anger is "bad," leading us to suppress the emotion and the assertive actions it should rightfully inspire.

While BMW might provide a momentary outlet, it often locks us into patterns of thought and behavior that prevent us from confronting and resolving the real issues. Breaking this cycle involves recognizing the role of emotions like anger and using them constructively for self-assertion rather than letting them simmer into passive discontent. Moving beyond BMW requires a shift from externalizing problems to actively engaging in solutions, empowering us to change our circumstances and improve our mental well-being.

03/19/2024

In couples therapy, or relational therapy, when it involves more than two people, the primary goal isn't to change anyone within the relationship. Instead, the focus is on fostering a deeper understanding of behaviors that may be harmful or counterproductive to the relationship, emphasizing repairing and enhancing emotional closeness. However, emotional closeness is just one aspect of intimacy; couples often experience a sense of closeness through activities like parallel play and shared experiences that they enjoy together.

Emotional closeness is unique because it involves a shared capacity to understand another person’s perspective and perception. A fundamental belief in couples therapy is that while we cannot control our thoughts or feelings directly, we can improve our ability to communicate our internal experiences. This, in turn, can lead to better understanding and clarity. These skills are essential not because they guarantee a lasting relationship but because they support each individual's autonomy, enabling them to relate more effectively.

It's common in relationships, it's common for individuals to attempt to reshape or reform aspects of their partner's worldview to match their own. While this might seem normal, it is essentially a form of coercion that undermines the other's autonomy. Maintaining individual autonomy is crucial for a romantic relationship to thrive on shared membership; without it, the voluntary basis for continuing the relationship is lost.

Disagreements and dislikes are inevitable in any relationship, as each person brings their unique worldview and relational philosophies. However, creating a satisfying and mutually gratifying romantic relationship requires cooperation, collaboration, consideration, and sometimes even challenges.

Articulating these concepts is simpler than practicing them, as the dynamics of relationships are complex. I often provide couples or individuals within couples with simple communication tools that seek understanding rather than behavioral change. Understanding does not imply agreement but recognizes that one's feelings are completely valid given the other's perspective, regardless of their actions or breaches in the relationship's trust. This approach becomes even more critical in navigating severe relational breaches, such as infidelity or privacy violations.

Fostering understanding and honesty in a relationship can be challenging, especially when dealing with past hurts. However, communicating openly and honestly with each other and ourselves is essential for healing and building a healthy, autonomous relationship.

02/16/2024

When you want to drag your partner into couples therapy, I invite you to consider the following; btw, this is actually quite common carries with it a host of implications for therapy.

Often, the partner initiating therapy may be perceived as the more motivated or concerned individual regarding the relationship's health. However, this dynamic may be part of an unconscious process. One that can also suggest a more complex undercurrent of individual needs, unconscious wishes, and expectations from therapy, particularly the hope that the therapist will help to "reform" or change the other partner.

This dynamic can reveal several critical aspects of the relationship and the individuals within it:

Projection and Responsibility: The partner who initiates therapy might be projecting their issues or dissatisfaction onto the other, believing that if only their partner would change, the relationship would improve. This projection can sometimes mask the individual's difficulties or reluctance to examine their behavior and contributions to the relationship's problems.

Unconscious Wishes: The act of bringing a partner into therapy can sometimes reflect an unconscious wish to avoid direct confrontation with one's issues by focusing on the other's perceived faults. This redirection serves as a defense mechanism to protect oneself from vulnerability and the pain of self-examination.

Control and Power Dynamics: Wanting the therapist to reform the other partner can also reflect underlying control and power dynamics within the relationship. The initiating partner may feel powerless or unable to effect change in the relationship and thus looks to the therapist to exert influence or control over the other partner.

Therapeutic Alliance: This dynamic poses a challenge in forming a therapeutic alliance. The partner brought into therapy might feel ambushed or defensive, believing that therapy is a setup for blame or criticism. This can hinder the development of trust and openness necessary for effective therapy.

Opportunity for Self-Reflection and Growth: While it might appear that the initiating partner is more engaged in the therapeutic process, this dynamic offers a unique opportunity for self-reflection and growth for both partners. It provides a chance to explore not just the relationship's dynamics but also each partner's contributions, fears, and hopes.
behavior that consists of blaming, complaining and other forms of externalizing.

Unpacking Individual Histories: This scenario underscores the importance of acknowledging each partner's individual history and how it shapes their behavior and expectations in the relationship. Understanding these backgrounds can help demystify why one partner feels the need to change the other and how both can work towards healthier interaction patterns.

Here are some reflective questions to consider and help you gain greater clarity of your motivations:

When do I feel most frustrated with my partner?
Identifying specific triggers can reveal underlying expectations or desires for your partner to behave differently, often based on unconscious beliefs about how they "should" act.

What qualities or behaviors in others often trigger strong reactions in me?
This question helps identify patterns in your emotional responses, potentially linked to unconscious expectations or unresolved issues from past relationships or childhood.

How do I describe my partner to others?
The language and focus used when describing your partner to others can reveal underlying perceptions and unconscious biases that may be influencing your desire for them to change.

What fears surface when I think about our relationship not changing?
Exploring fears can uncover unconscious beliefs driving the need for change, such as fears of inadequacy, abandonment, or being unlovable.

What does my ideal relationship look like, and how does it differ from my current relationship?
Comparing your ideal to your reality can highlight unconscious standards or fantasies that may be unrealistic or unfairly imposed on your partner.

In what ways do I feel my partner does not meet my needs?
Reflecting on unmet needs can reveal whether these expectations are communicated and realistic or if they stem from deeper, unconscious desires for validation or fulfillment.

How did my family of origin handle conflict and emotional expression?
Understanding your early environment's influence on your expectations and behaviors in relationships can uncover unconscious patterns you may be replicating.

What aspects of my partner's behavior remind me of past relationships or family dynamics?
Recognizing these echoes can help identify unconscious projections onto your partner, where the desire for change is more about past unresolved issues than about your partner themselves.

What emotions do I avoid feeling, and why?
Identifying avoided emotions can reveal unconscious defenses that might be contributing to dissatisfaction in the relationship and the desire to change your partner as a way to avoid facing these feelings.

What would it mean about me if nothing in our relationship changed?
This question can reveal deep-seated fears or beliefs about oneself that may be driving the unconscious wish to change the other person, such as fears of failure or beliefs about not being worthy of love as you are.

These questions are designed to help you engage in deep self-reflection, potentially bringing unconscious motives into awareness. Recognizing and understanding these motives can lead to more meaningful conversations and work in therapy, focusing on personal growth and healthier relationship dynamics.

It's also beneficial to explore these questions with the guidance of a therapist, who can help navigate the complex emotions and revelations that this introspection might uncover.

02/14/2024

Yes, the hallmark holiday has arrived, and for some couples, it's a time to use the holiday. For some, it's a time for some performative compensatory act, making a big show with flowers, cards, candy, dinners, etc.

Relatonal neglect and partner neglect can never be made up by a few grand gestures. For some, it may assuage some guilt, but that will never make up for chronic neglect. In addition, most of those grand gestures will be met with very mixed feelings. Some appreciation on the one hand and resentment on the other.

I have often heard, "Well, I just don't have time. My job is very demanding." Or "I'm a full-time mom." These justifications actually facilitate neglect and obscure the real causes of that neglect.

If your relationship and partner are merely background to the rest of your life, why continue? Two people suffer. Two people feel lonely, isolated, and resentful. Over time, this often leads to becoming more and more like estranged roommates. Do you think flowers, dinner, etc, will make up for long-term neglect?

I invite you to use this time to reflect on yourself, your relationship and your priorities.

Wishing you well.

01/24/2024

What is the foundational premise in couples therapy? A willingness to look at how you contribute to the relational problems and difficulties you experience.

01/15/2024

Telling the truth is the biggest thing I can offer as a therapist.

You say you love her with words, but you have multiple reasons why you neglect her. You are busy with work, you have familial obligations, you’re tired. You ask her to believe your words and ignore your actions.

You are being so harsh! Am I being harsh or is the reality harsh?

She is a loveable human being and if you can’t love her, you should let her go.

And you(turning to the partner) have become a servant giving and giving and giving hoping that he will eventually be the man you want. You have been relating to a fantasy instead of the reality. It’s as though you think if you become a reflection of him, he will eventually become the man you want him to be. If you don’t or can’t love him the way he is, then you live in chronic disappointment and distress.