Helping Others Heal LLC

12/29/2025

Helping Others Heal Blog Post #34: Deciding on MORE.

Since the power to achieve something is first by defining it, let’s define what more is. As an adjective, it means in greater quantity, amount, measure, degree, or number. In noun form, more is something of greater importance. For the purposes of this blog, the noun is the assignment.

We have seen another year zoom by, without so much as a whisper of recognition of our existence! And if we’re honest, the challenges we faced had many of us saying, “I’ll be so glad for next year because this one was terrible!” But who are we kidding? This isn’t the first time we have uttered those words. But hopefully, it will be the last.

We will not see more by making fancy resolutions for 1/1, and maybe not even with vision boards with a group of friends. Lovely ideas, but not potent enough for the DOING to change anything in your life. Change comes by evaluating whether what you’re striving for has real meaning, is worth sacrificing for…in short, if there is greater importance for what you see for your future.

Do you want to lose weight and have a stronger body? Is the desire for more income birthed out of purposeful possession and distribution? Thinking of opening your heart to another person and sharing true intimacy on your list? All these things are worthwhile investments if they are attached to something of greater importance.

Having a fit body is great when you decide that being able to be strong helps you play with your grandchildren or have the ability to run down three flights of stairs to escape the danger of fire. Who doesn’t appreciate that money can help to not live in fear of food insecurity or homelessness? Finally, sharing the value of yourself with someone special is magical for both people, if done openly and honestly. But take any of these great things and misuse them, greater importance is lost. Do you want to be in a picture-perfect frame to body shame others? Is money to be used to make other people feel small and less valuable than you? Will a new relationship keep you in your old bag of tricks of being unfaithful and narcissistic? How are any of these great things of greater importance for you or anyone else?

The point of more is to be generous with the resource of you and being honorable towards others. When more is linked to selfishness and the pain of others, it isn’t more: it’s a disguise for abuse. Shoot for the abundance of more but take others with you so you can spend a year understanding that more has room to give as well as receive. Now that has greater importance all over it.

Need help trying to make sense of what is important, provokes you to flourish and be a more generous person to yourself and others? Therapy can help. Reach out for a consultation today.

12/02/2025

Are you a man that has wondered if a space exists to talk about s*xual and relationship issues without judgment? Do you have questions about making passionate love that is also meaningful? Is your desire to connect to your partner and their emotions too difficult? This group is for you. Due to an overwhelming response to my blog, "Kryptonite is Obvious" (https://helpingothersheal.com/kryptonite-is-obvious/),I started a group for men to be men, open and unashamed about their issues with feelings and s*x. Join me for frank discussions and new ideas on how to be a better lover, free to express your own needs and insecurities about s*x and emotions. Let me provide a listening ear from the insight of a woman as you gain support (and support) your peers. Send me an email to yoadrian663@gmail.com for an invitation to a 1:1 intake with me. Space is limited to 50 men so do not delay. The cost of the group is $50. The return on investment will be worth every penny!

11/09/2025

Helping Others Heal Blog Post #33: Kryptonite is Obvious.

(Bear with me on this one. Be sure to share this with that special man in your life. As you read on, you will understand why).

You don’t have to be much of a superhero fan to have heard of Superman. A character created in the 1930’s by DC Comics as a superhuman, with super strength, agility, x-ray vision and the ability to fly. But let’s remember, Superman was also a human named Clark Kent - a journalist by trade, which was fitting because he had firsthand knowledge of breaking news. If there was a bad guy, he learned this information from his career and could move into action to mitigate the threat to the world. In Clark’s alter ego role, he had a downfall: Kryptonite. In the comic world, kryptonite is made from krypton, a radioactive material that weakens living things around it. For Superman, his powers were disabled. This made him an ordinary person with flaws and limitations, just like the rest of humanity. Superman knew to avoid this substance because of the ensuing effects. What do you do when you have a man that knows the dangers of the more obvious things in life that can break him, but not the lesser known, and often more fatal ones?

Men are notorious for saying, “I am okay/fine/good” without much thought to substantiate those words. They have been wired to be the protectors, providers, the ones that cannot appear weak or complain. But what happens when these “strong men” have a wounded area? And what if that area is S*X?

It's easy to say that we need to make a man feel “safe” enough to share his deepest points of pain. The truth is that safety comes from within each of us. Therefore, needing someone to “give” that to you decreases your own sense of self. Communicating openly is the cure. Being able to do that with your loving partner on the topic of s*xual intimacy is a tall task, but one a couple can handle together. Understand that while s*x can be the “glue” to your relationship (i.e., the place where two become one), the more vital part about s*xual goodness is, “Do we communicate with one another in a way that conveys genuine love, care and concern for who we are?”

Imagine coming home to a person that has a negative outlook on life, often complains and leads you to feeling as though nothing that you do is good enough. How uns*xy that is to make love to? Is there an atmosphere in your relationship that relishes in knowing one another, that is open, non-critical and life enhancing to be around after a long day? Those couples can have passionate and sensual s*x. Why? Because they exhibit a sense of well-being towards their partner, such as, “I care for you” and “I choose you.” The banter between them signifies, “I am a warm place for you to lay your head.”

Make it clear to you partner that you want to collaborate in his feeling good about himself. Be curious about what you can do to enhance who they are and what they need. If your relationship is having struggles with s*x, be open to addressing what he needs without judgment or making it about you. An appropriate question may be, “Are there things going on inside of you that are leading to anxiety or tension? Are these things inhibiting us for making good love?” Be mindful that there may be an answer that leads to hard truths, but ultimately deeper understanding. If you can admit that you are not the softest place to land and that tenderness is not your strength, be willing to hear that truth. No, this isn’t a blame game. It’s a, “How can we work together to get to the best of who we are, even in s*x?”

Nothing is easy about getting to good love and great s*x. It takes a team, a true partnership, to be curious about seeing those sides of ourselves that want to work with the one we love to avoid their Kryptonite meltdown. Work towards communicating how important your man is to you, even in his frailties. Achieving great s*x is not impossible. Be open to taking flight with him to get to good loving. Let your partner know that you want to be that warm place, especially where they struggle.

10/19/2025

Helping Others Heal Blog Post #32: Is What We Have ALL That We Have?

Relationships filled with attachment, security and adoration are what we all want. Someone you look forward to coming home to after a day of expectations from others is what we crave. A date night with hands touching and smiles radiating across the table. A huge, shared box of popcorn watching a romantic comedy at the movies. These moments help to build on feeling closer and enjoying the joys of life. But who is making time for these experiences? Life is more than hectic, typically two earners with stressful careers, a couple of children and limited time to nurture the love we want and deserve. That leads to limited quality time to replenish one another after long work weeks and too many responsibilities to perform. Sadly, this results in diminished intimacy - s*xually and otherwise - poor communication and unresolved conflicts. This distance, over an extended span of time, can lead the couple to ponder, “Is this as good as it gets?”

Fortunately, the answer is No. This can get better and you can have more as a couple. The first step is to acknowledge that something has to change in both of you. When there is a love partnership, both parties must do the work to make good love successful. There are no exceptions. Should the couple fail to see that something is required from each of them, nothing will change. Both people must be committed to taking the steps to bring more to the proverbial love table.

Next, renew your commitment to making your love a priority. Most couples can remember a time when they were clear that “us time” was high on their list of life. Long days at work seemed bearable because seeing your partner that evening brought a smile to your face. Take advantage of all the time you can squeeze into a day. A time of parallel play (the term used for when a couple is together in a common space, engaged in their individual activities, with time to laugh, touch or create banter is involved) still qualifies as a time to feel connection and boost the affinity towards one another. This commitment is intentional and says, “We will make time for memories and to be connected to one another.”

Lastly, remind yourselves that this new commitment must be maintained at all costs. Most couples will begin the practice of spending more time together then sadly allow the busyness of life to disrupt their most treasured asset: their love. Recruit family and friends by planning ahead to make the time to be together. If work is the time thief, you need to address whether what you are giving up in your love affair will sustain you once the job is gone, either in retirement or a layoff. Most would say nothing is more important than the heart you chose to cherish. If that is how you truly feel – or want to feel again – make yourself accountable to clear boundaries and covet that time you want to give to one another.

None of us will ever get around how many obligations come with this life. It can be difficult to think about how to live more richly when we are tired and stretched thin. But at the end of this life, what we will carry away with us are the most important moments we made with those that we loved and loved us in return. If you have allowed that to be less of a concern in your life, remind yourself of what really matters. We only have one go at letting love be what we want it to be with the person we know deserves our best.

10/02/2025

Helping Others Heal Blog Post #31: The Shame of Feeling Sensual and Sexy.

The following statement, while sad and provocative, is unfortunately true: nearly one in five women (43%) and one in four men (24%) reading this blog have been s*xually abused. If you find yourself in one of those percentages, you understand what it feels like to struggle with your s*xual well-being. The violation of your betrayed s*xuality can affect your s*x life for years to come, not to mention how you perceive yourself as a s*xual being. Are you always doomed to feel low and disgraceful because of what you have suffered? No. There is evidence of hope, restoration and an opportunity to have your s*x positivity renewed.

Fast forward to being in a loving relationship, feeling emotionally and mentally strong and envisioning being s*xually satisfied and erotically engaged. This relationship feels safe and secure enough to share your feelings of desire towards your partner. To your dismay, your partner is not expressive with his/her s*xual overtures and you feel rejected and unsure of yourself. In contrast, you notice that with this newfound sense of sensuality, you are receiving attention from people who find your s*x appeal emanating from your pores and approachable. However, these advances feel threatening, unsafe and violative. What just happened? This sense of violation is a direct correlation to the shame you experienced for attempting to approach your safe place with your desires.

When you have a partner that has s*xual abuse in their history, you need to be aware that shame is ever present and tiresome for their emotional and mental well-being. The sense that you can be the place where they feel open, loved and erotic is a huge risk for them. If it is not in your natural inclination to express s*xuality, that is fair. But remember, all relationships require levels of accommodation for each other. Dirty talk may not be comfortable for you, but perhaps a few simple words, such as, “I desire you as well,” can be enough. Figure out a way to understand the wounds of your partner and be a compassionate place of safety for them to thrive in their s*xuality.

It can be a lifelong challenge to feel s*xual safety after abuse. And with the alarmingly high numbers of survivors, you are in good but wounded company. Support groups and therapy can be a fresh start to s*xual healing. Feeling paralyzed by catcalls, expectations of s*xual experiences that leave you feeling open and ashamed and the general weariness of being asked for parts of you that negate the whole of you, can be dealt with in proper, therapeutic care. Allow yourself to be free to express your sensuality and to feel s*xy from the perspective of worthiness, not shame. There is a bridge of hope that you can walk over to get to a place where the beauty of eroticism can live and be expressed.

12/18/2024

Helping Others Heal Blog Post #30:
When You’ve Done All You Plan to Do, a.k.a., Enough is Enough!

We all know these people: nothing is good enough. You can go out of your way to be loving, open, generous and selfless. Yet, when you present this level of yourself, you are swiftly met with, “I expect more.” Do these words come across their lips? More often than not, they do not. But you can feel them saying that what you have offered is not what they expected. What do you do when you finally reach the point of saying, “I have gone as far as I’m going to go with pleasing you,” and you mean it?

People pleasing is the root of many societal ills. When people spend their time being “less” in order to be “more” for someone/something else, you aren’t being true to yourself. Unpopular opinion loading: people pleasers are liars. Strong statement? Yes. But let’s dissect this. When every room you walk in has an expectation for you to continually give, consistently exert everything and more of what you have inside and you acquiesce with full reluctancy, you are lying to yourself. You are making it clear that you will deceive yourself to be in rooms with people that do not mind you exploiting yourself to be in that room. How has your personal value plummeted to the place that you are willing to take the crumbs and away from yourself to please others?

You must begin to make small steps to correct this behavior. Firstly, be HONEST with yourself. Make a list of your most recent decisions that involve you giving of yourself and assess with these questions:

1. Did I make this decision because I want to be accepted by this person/group?
2. Did I feel forced/manipulated into making this decision?
3. If I stated to this person that, upon reflection, I need to rescind this decision, will I lose favor with this person or make them angry?

Asking and answering these questions within yourself is the first step in forcing yourself to be truthful. If you feel manipulated or worry that the receiver of your deeds will feel differently about you, more than likely, you are giving in a place that does not mind draining your well of resources. Those resources can be your finances, your time or your peace of mind. Acknowledging the drain is the primary way to adjust what has been or continues to be taken from you.

After the honest look, it’s time to be brave and put an end to the abuse. Do not allow yourself to be the person that “ghosts” people participating in the drain of your resources. You must confront poor behaviors to take a stand for your worth. You probably feel resistance in your soul over this notion but frankly, taking your worth back brings confrontation. You can politely tell someone, “This has taken more of me than I should have ever given.” That puts a few drops back into your well of resources by emotionally navigating your needs. And the more you do it, the faster your well gets filled.

Never let it be said that others determine your worth because they will get it wrong every time. Stop lying to yourself about doing more. You, all by yourself, are more than enough. Begin to let people know that you mean that. Stand on business about you.

08/15/2024

Helping Others Heal Blog Post #29: Can you love me for me?

The interesting thing about our humanity is that we all have quirks. These behavioral habits are unique to each person, from singing responses to questions, chain smoking, even fidgeting at all times. They are the things that people typically notice about us and come to accept that, “Oh, that’s just them.” Behaviors are one thing. But who you truly are is another. Are you being loved for you?

Each of us has a need to be understood. It’s the common theme in our humanness. We all want to be seen. We want to be known. We want to be real with the people in our personal sphere. What do you do when who you are isn’t a behavior or habit? When your personal value is honesty with yourself and it does not necessarily align with the values of other people? What if you being you just simply needs to be understood?

Self-acceptance is difficult when you are faced with disapproval by others that are in your world. Being “odd” or unconventional can be a trademark of how you want to show up as a human. When disapproval from others is loud and feels punitive, the natural inclination is towards safety. “If me being me leads to chastisement and pain, I will close in and not express who I really am” is a posture that many have. They fear retribution and do not live in the pride of who they are and desire to be. This “turning inward” can be a dangerous and lonely place. Depression, anxiety and even self-harm can be the way to “deal” with the rejection of others. Untreated, all of these outlets are very harmful to a person’s well-being. It is time to share your truth and be who you are.

Express yourself openly to the people that matter in your life. People that truly matter to you, and that you matter to, will welcome this renaissance of you. Living suppressed and unsure of your value and worth will not be healthy long term. If we are fortunate, we have one or two people that will acknowledge the pain of not being accepted and they will help you to be true to yourself. Find that person, open up your heart and your story to chip away at the stone walls you have built in the process of living your true life.

Sadly, some people live in a bubble of not being supported by the people in their lives. If that is you, find a good therapist to share your path and be brave enough to embark on this self-love journey. Being the real you is very different than being someone that tells stories with a million extra words. You are a story of a million words. And while that may prove to be annoying for some, being you should be a welcome trek that is shared with those that believe you matter. A compassionate and loving therapist can be the person to take that well-deserved hike with you. You will not be alone. Be you. Be your first source of love and acceptance. Reach out for help.

We are a private practice counseling service that believes in restoring love and wholeness.

05/31/2024

Helping Others Heal Blog Post #28: The Trouble With Infertility.

It may sound funny, but we’re all waiting for something to happen. Whether it is for our love relationship to be stronger and more attached after an affair or to truly connect with the real person that we dream of becoming, the wait is real. It can also be upsetting, challenging and simply feel too hard to wait for what seems impossible. This isn’t a blog to teach you about waiting patiently. Consider this moment to consider the NOW. What do you do “in the meantime?”

“In the meantime” refers to who you are in the right now, while waiting for your family to grow. If you are a couple that is awaiting the beauty of conception to come to fruition, it can mean a great deal of pain and sadness. It’s not often spoken of but infertility struggles can be devastating to a couple’s mental health and well-being. Sure, well-meaning people that love you might say, in the midst of a pregnancy loss or failed implantation, “You can always have another one,” or, “Next time will be successful.” And while those words are meant to bring comfort, it doesn’t alleviate the pain of the situation. If you have ever experienced a loss of pregnancy or conception issues, those well-meaning words can come across as a sword. Often the husband has been forgotten when these episodes are happening. Truth be told, BOTH people are having a difficult time in this process, not just the woman. Which means they BOTH need support. And what better place to get that support than from each other? What do you do when your “in the meantime” looks like more cycles, doctor visits and injections that tell you when to focus on “babymaking” and not lo******ng?

The couple you are right now needs a recentering, a reconnection. When conception attempts take center stage of your love affair, couples can take for granted that not nurturing each other violates that daily necessity. When was the last time you thought about what love between the two of you truly means? Have you had the opportunity to walk through the park, holding hands and reminiscing about the day you met and began falling in love? Does your partner’s laugh still make you chuckle inside or laugh out loud? Can you remember the last time you heard it?

As an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, it is crucial that you remember the A.R.E. of your relationship: Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement. Accessibility to each other in a relationship means, “Can I reach you?” When a couple is undergoing fertility treatments, a great deal of time is spent reaching each other for the purposes of talking about getting pregnant, daydreaming about expanding the family and baby names. What it means to live, “in the meantime,” is that you are talking to one another and about what each of you need. How well are we connecting as a couple in love while we are hoping for what may happen in the future? Responsiveness refers to being able to count on your partner when you are in crisis. Clearly, since both partners are dealing with the process of infertility, they are both in crisis. Mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety, are on the rise with couples struggling with the challenge of conception. Making room to hear out one another and to be seen by your partner when they are in distress speaks to the responsiveness that you have between one another. Finally, Engagement is letting your partner know that you value them and want to be attached to them. It speaks to not feeling alone and having someone that is on your side when you are facing a dilemma.

We are biologically wired for connection. It is very true that medications to decrease depression and anxiety utilize the same neurotransmitters from which physical touch uses. Stay close. Stay connected. Most of all, let your partner know that in the world of emotional upset, they are not alone “in the meantime” of life’s journey.

It is imperative to reach out for therapeutic help when you are navigating infertility. Much more is affected than what your body physically may need. Emotionally, you need to be sure that you are not walking through this pain alone. Having someone that supports you emotionally is vital to being able to successfully get to the other side. Hopefully, the other side looks like an expanded family. However, if it does not end in such a result, you still have one another to love and to cherish. Remind yourselves that it is crucial to make sure you are nurturing one another “in the meantime.”

05/05/2024

Helping Others Heal Blog Post 27: The difficult season of NO.

Despite the fact that it feels as though the new year just showed up, this new year is rapidly rolling by us. As we head towards the middle of another year, the results are being posted in every session and on social media. From all reports, there have been major ebbs, flows, disappointments and triumphs for all of us to share. Many of us are at a loss for why there is such a great level of devastation and hopelessness. If you are in the middle of these feelings and concerned that this will be yet another year with nothing good to offer, take heart. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. A resounding theme seems to be NO. NO to our requests for happiness. NO to having our simplest needs met. NO to any surplus of happiness or joy. How do we navigate the devastating season of NO?

First and foremost, if you are a person that likes to ask, “Why me,” you might want to begin to ponder, “Why not me?” Although that does not sound nice and fluffy, the truth of the matter is we all have hardships to bear. Whether we are talking about a difficult, conflict filled relationship where you feel unloved, the inability to get pregnant while everyone around us is having children or being unemployed when there are reports of an abundance in employment, the pain can seem very loud. The first step is to acknowledge that none of us are immune to pain. If there is any common denominator to humanity, pain is absolutely in that equation. And while it might not be comforting to know that you are not alone, please take heart in the fact that pain for all of us does not last forever. The reminder that hardships come to pass is encouraging. Whether we believe they come to teach us something or not, there are millions of other people around us that are learning similar lessons. Embrace the why not you. That sentiment allows you to embrace not being alone in a world full of others that want the pain to stop.

Once you come to terms with the notion that hardship will come your way, it is beneficial to walk with an attitude of gratitude. Cliché, right? But think about how ineffective it is or has been in your life to walk about life living disgruntled about how unfair life feels. Did you get through your trying experiences faster, or with any level of joy when complaining on a daily basis about the pain? Did you find it easier to make it through the day when 80 % of your thoughts focused on what was not working well as opposed 20% of thoughts where you believed that things could be better/different? Teach yourself to be grateful. Even when everything is not good, rehearse in yourself that things can always be worse. Because quite frankly, they can be. Back to that relationship that is not flowing so smoothly, and love seems to be at the next door neighbor’s house and not your own home. Have you taken a moment to be grateful that there is someone that comes home to you every night and may be just as confused as you are about how to make things better? Do you celebrate the notion that there could still be a relationship worth rekindling if there was a therapeutic intervention to help you make sense of it all? If you are struggling with infertility, it can be very frustrating to look around at all the people that seem to conceive with little to no effort. Are you blessed enough to be able to afford IVF treatments or have resources of insurance or family that can help you with that huge expense? Is it possible to volunteer with children at your faith organization or foster waiting children? These ideas can certainly shift your grief to goodness, even when the pain remains real. While you were waiting for that job to come along (and not necessarily even a dream career; just a job), have you taken a moment to be grateful that you have a roof over your head and a meal to eat every day? Have you taken note that even when things have been tight monetarily, you haven’t had to live in your car? And if you find yourself at the very depth of despair and are living in a shelter or couch surfing, have you paused to say that you’re grateful for the shelter that will provide you with a meal and a bed to sleep in that does not leave you outside in the elements? It may not be perfect, but it is provision. Remember to say thank you for what you do have, even when it’s not perfect. Please do not mishear me: pain is pain and pain is real. Gratitude does not take away the pain of any of these situations. But it does give you a different perspective on how to move through these painful experiences.

Finally, and I know this is a repeat but worth repeating, seek help. Sometimes things in life really are heavy and need the intervention of someone that will listen, care and help you walk through the pain that you are feeling. Admittedly, sometimes gratitude gestures are too much to bear and hope is something that cannot be mustered with any level of sincerity. Understood. Reach out to a resource that will help you walk through the lowest moments that you cannot see your way through on your own for help.

Dealing with life’s pain alone is difficult. Navigating tough times can feel impossible. Therapy is a terrific resource to help you move through the season of NO. Remind yourself that there are four seasons for a reason. Reach out if you need help.