03/23/2026
Have you ever felt like you are running from something?
I’ve felt like that most of my life.
It showed up as needing to achieve things, be liked, be perfect.
Perform. Perform. Perform.
I didn’t feel safe in myself. I didn’t feel safe in my body. I didn’t trust myself.
I had to always prove something. But, it was never enough. As soon as I’d accomplish something I’d be looking at the next goal.
The game was impossible to win.
What I was running from was deep down I feel worthless. Unlovable.
I tried to make sure those things were hidden or not exposed by achieving things.
All the running was a way to try to outrun those feelings.
The shame, grief, rage, and sadness were choking my soul.
Control was my drug of choice.
Controlling situations. Outcomes. People
It was the way I felt the illusion of power.
This way of living.
But, here's the thing, there were BIG consequences for living that way physically, mentally, emotionally., and spiritually. Anxiety, autoimmune issues, weight gain, low self esteem, feeling like I couldn't trust life.
Until last Spring some part of me said ENOUGH of this. NO MORE
My body made me pay attention.
Waves of grief, shame, rage, and sadness ran through me like a freight train.
NO MORE PERFORMING. NO MORE SURVIVAL
You know what happens when the deepest patterns are changing? The patterns you relied on to feel safe...
They become WAY louder.
So I stopped running.
It was HIGHLY uncomfortable. It felt like I was giving up. To be honest, I am still in the unwinding of living from survival. It's been quite a process.
In way I was, I was giving up the way I had been living most of my life.
The waves of powerlessness, helplessness, wanting to give up that were buried deep inside of me washed over me like tidal waves.
It been one of the most intense and expansive periods of my life.
There is a peace inside my body and soul now that I have never felt before. Not because I have all the answers or know what the future holds, but because I have finally stopped running.
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