12/23/2024
I saw this reel yesterday that said something like, “It’s Christmas week. Before you know it, it will be over. And next year, next Christmas, your kids will be older/different and your family will be different. Soak it all in.” And it brought tears to my eyes because it’s so true- all of it. The briskness of life. How slow and fast it all goes- at the same time. The tenderness of motherhood.
There are so many days where I am so overstimulated I can’t wait for bedtime and then as they fall asleep in my arms, tears roll down my cheeks out of love and somehow I miss them already, even though they fell asleep mere moments ago. I often beg for a break, for space, and then the second they’re away, I want them back. Close to me, near me, knowing they’re safe and sound and I can hug their little bodies and kiss their little noses whenever I want. I yearn for them to be more independent with tasks like zipping their coats or talking so I can understand them and then when they do, when they reach that level of independence, a piece of my heart breaks at the rate of their growth. “Slow down,” I whisper to myself. “Be present, stay here.” And some days it’s really hard and some days it’s so easy. I get so excited for all of the activities to do with them (especially this time of year) but then by the time I pack us up and get out of the door, I regret planning anything at all. But then we get to said activity and the wonder in their eyes and the joy in their faces makes me forget the s**t show of getting out the door. I often feel like I’m doing too much and at the same time, not nearly enough. Some people without kids say, “aren’t you tired, but why? that doesn’t sound fun, how do you do it, don’t you miss sleeping? Your independence?” yes, of course, but this IS fun. It just may look different than your version of fun. And it is filling. Oh my god, it’s so filling. And all of that other stuff will come back one day. I know, I already feel it.
So for now, I’ll stay here. Yearning for rest and being crushed when they no longer need me in the middle of the night. In a place where fun looks different. The dichotomy. The dance. The irony. The best parts of my life.
