24/11/2020
Indifferent yet still loving; trying to redefine my relationship with myself... Standing at 5ft 2in, with a big heart and even bigger thoughts, I examine this body (and mind) in the mirror. I have known her my whole life and yet, I always feel like I am still really getting to know her. She is very good at adapting and compromise, so good that, I don’t believe her sometimes. I look at her and I think, what are you hiding from me? We are supposed to be friends and you don’t always treat me like one, I pray with intensity to my reflection. I can lay out as many designs as I can conjure but in reality I struggle with believing in myself. In my head I want to blame mom or dad, sisters or brother, cousins or friends but deep down I know it is my fault.
Here is the best part, I, Liana Orazi, accept my faults. I love them, I vow to learn every lesson with neutrality because when I see and understand my darkness can I relish on the bright side. I never thought of myself as special, until now. I wasn’t a very good Irish dancer, I wasn’t the star of the school play or soccer team, I didn’t excel in Math or any subject for that matter. I realize now, I never knew how to vocalize what I truly needed and wanted (I was afraid to) and just did what I was told. That trait has certainly translated into my adult life to an extent. Learning to say no to things I don’t want to be a part of (and yes to things I really do!) and showing up for myself has been vital these last few years. Certain things in life are harder to sever from but in acknowledging that, I find the motivation to explore my desires in ways that are true to my heart. Growing even when I feel stuck.. My ability to persevere in the face of indifference, that is something I am proud of and thankful for.