01/04/2023
CW: Mention of childhood sexual abuse/trauma
Before I healed my relationship with food 11 years ago, there was another dragon that I needed to slay. This one was scarier, more insidious, and would not let me rest until I came face to face with it.
When I was a small child, I experienced sexual abuse/molestation at the hands of my teenage male babysitter. I was only about 6 or 7 and didnât really understand what had happened to me. By the time I figured it out, we had already moved a few states away. In addition to that, my parents' marriage was ending and there was more than enough emotional drama going on. So, I remained silent.
As I moved through adolescence, the emotional and physical effects of the incident began to take hold. I began to hate my body and felt disconnected from it. My mother was very focused on her weight and controlled it by fad diets. I learned how to do the same. But, it was never really successful. I would lose a few, I would gain a few, and I didnât feel any better. On the one hand, I wanted to shrink myself away to gain the approval of those around me who said I was âpacking on the weightâ, but, on the other, I was also developing and soon learned that my body could get lots of attention. However, this kind of attention was not the kind I wanted or needed. I canât be thin because men will want to use me, but I canât be fat because no one will love me. Talk about confusing.
I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I hated myself so much that I continued to punish myself with fad diets and excessive exercise hoping that something, anything, would take away the pain and make me feel more lovable and valuable. I dieted, I lifted weights, I ran, I taught classes, I tried low carb, low fat, high protein, and liquid meals. All the while, my childhood trauma was there, like the 800 lb. elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. It affected the way I viewed myself, the way I showed up in my marriage, and the way I related to other women. None of them seemed to feel the contempt about myself that I felt. None of them seemed to struggle with intimacy. I felt alone, unseen, and beyond understanding. By this time, I had told my parents and husband about the abuse, but, to hear me tell it, you would think I was talking about someone else. It was very businesslike and clinical. Just the facts, maâam.
Then, one night, about 16 years ago, I was having cocktails with my sis & bro in law and it hit me. The full weight of what I had experienced descended upon me like a gut punch. I was the adult me, hovering over the child me, seeing her, feeling her confusion and fear, and allowing all of the emotions associated with the event to wash over me. I sobbed and sobbed, apologizing to the little girl, telling her it wasnât her fault, that she did nothing wrong, that SHE wasnât wrong, and that she was safe now. She would never have to be alone and scared again. My family just held me as I cried and told me it would be ok. For the first time, I actually believed them. That was the beginning of my healing.
You see, the body hate, exercise obsession, and food fear was a clever distraction for me. The more I focused on these things, the less I paid attention to the unhealed wounds and trauma that was driving the behavior. Dieting and punishing your body is an act of disconnection. Allowing yourself to feel the feelings is embodiment. I hadnât been in my body for the first 37 years of my life. It was scary, it was hard, and it was necessary.
This experience changed who I was as a woman, but also as a trainer and a coach. My approach now is one of someone who is weight neutral and inclusive. I believe that health is not a look and fit is not a size. My mission and desire is to help those who would like to feel stronger, more confident, empowered, and independent. I do not weigh or measure clients. I do not design meal plans. I am not a physique or transformation coach. I donât make aesthetics the most important thing. There isnât anything necessarily wrong with any of those things. They just arenât my things. I was one of those people who thought that if I could just get rid of my cellulite, if I could just have six pack abs, if I could just have toned triceps, then I would be worth something. Then, I would be loved. It didnât work. It was never going to, because that wasnât the answer. It seldom is.
Maybe your story is something like mine. Perhaps you have been more fixated on the outward appearance instead of whatâs going on inside of your heart and mind. Perhaps you think that you can find an acceptable version of yourself 20 pounds from now. What if you lost 20, 30, or 40 pounds and you were still unhappy? What would you do then? What if changing your body isnât the solution you have been so desperately seeking? How will you find your peace?
I donât have the answers to any of these questions for you. I only had the answers to my own. I had to allow myself to slow down long enough to let my life experience catch up with me. All I can say is that I know how it feels to live with unresolved emotions and trauma. Itâs isolating and painful. I had to get to the point when I decided I needed and wanted more for my life. You too deserve a life full of meaning and purpose. You deserve to love and approve of yourself. For those that are struggling, please know that I want that for you. I hope you come to want it for yourself. You are worth the effort!
Picture for attention because itâs and Angus Youngâs 68th birthday.
