Enid Sanders, Author

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Enid Sanders, Author Enid Sanders is a writer, psychologist, and speaker who writes about aging, loss and life’s transitions.

18/12/2022

You Drop By

I intuit
The edge
of a memory.
A scene
from a dream.
The familiar
smell of a
phantom scent.
Then
A trace in place
of you invades
all of my senses.
And
I see, feel, and
recognize you just
passing through
the me that is now.

07/12/2022

Leaving Therapy Behind

Out of the office,
her borrowed ego
left behind, I

venture out in the
world, an orphan
of sorts, without the

assurance of a pat
on the back, her
stake in my life

weekly.

I second guess myself,
reach internal for her
voice to mingle with

mine, carry on (of course)
knowing my childhood,
my past life, lies sleeping

safely on her office floor.

09/11/2022

With Me

I hold your heart in the palm
of my hand.
It still beats.
No matter that I saw
you die.

27/07/2022

The Poetry

When he died,
my vein was
split open and

poetry poured
out in gallons
of emotional

blood.

Even when I wept,
releasing my toxic
tears never healed

like the poetry.

Even when I
mourned and
talked and talked,

(and I talked and
talked), no thoughts
were as exacting

as the poetry. So,

it was the words spilled
out on the page that
got me whole again.

30/06/2022

Here

You cradling me and
me hugging you and
you holding me and
your hand in mine and

my arm laced in yours and
a kiss on the lips and
your kiss on my forehead and
my head on your chest and

your face in my hands.

Gone

In the night,
in the quiet,
I call to you and
you come to me

in a memory,
a facsimile,
in a v***r
I breathe into me.

In a v***r
I breathe into me
that escapes when
I exhale

23/06/2022

How You Loved Me

And you said,“I have an epiphany”.
(That’s the way you talked).
And I, drying my hair,
said “Yes?”

And you said,”I love you!”
I smiled and said, “I know.”
And, so,
I was thinking today about
how you loved me.

How you brought gifts
of things you thought
I collected; ceramic
apples, snow globes

How you watched me, pleased,
and bought me a chocolate muffin
that "followed" you home and you
would hide all treats

to dole out after dinner and
your deer-in-the-headlights look
when I said "We need to talk",
which I often said just to see that look.

And, when we first met,
how you touched me cautiously,
carefully, as if I might break.
which was ironic because,

even when we fought,
you never hurt me.
But, when you left,
you broke me wide open.

10/06/2022

The agony in loss is the inability to forevermore tell, ask, and share; it is the indelible stamp on the mind and body called yearning.

03/06/2022

Thinking about the start of grieving, I revisited “Vision” and included us.

The Beginning

As he lay dying, Death touched
her cheek to his in a gentle,

reassuring way. So he was not
anxious, but surrendered to

this next life event as it enfolded him.

Those of us around him
memorialized his life,

each of us hemmed in by
our own private flood of

memory, not yet registering
the finality of the loss.

His breathing labored and

then, Death gathered his
enormous heart in her arms

and hurried away.

27/05/2022

A Child Grown

A child grown is a
blessing and a mystery.

Little girl becomes a woman,
her grandmother becomes old.

I hold her hand and ingest
both the familiar and the new.

I know the words, but it is sung
to a slightly different melody.

She is her own person, yet
I can still recognize myself;

she is both all new
as well as
my immortality.

19/05/2022

Family Dinner

When they leave,
they are not gone.

The joyful sound of
children playing

hangs in the air.

The soft murmur of
the adults catching up

still held in my heart.

Each warm plate from
the dishwasher a memory

of a well appreciated meal.

Cleaning up, unscrambling the
house, hints left of who was here:

wine, a dozen coloring pictures,
a paper doll, a tinfoil sculpture.

The washing machine and dryer
hum full of sheets and towels.

I am exhausted with that good kind
of tired but, when the dryer is done,

I struggle with folding
the tablecloth myself.

13/05/2022

Widow

When my friend told me
that her husband celebrated
her recent success with a
special dinner and champagne,

It was my anniversary.

My sense of well-being, my
enjoyment of my own company,
my determination to move on,
crumbled in a heap on the floor.

I picked up where I had left off;
the familiar yearning and naked
grief. The truth that you are gone
forever. This time without the numb.

05/05/2022

Healing

When you lost your
grip on this world,

you dropped my heart.

It fell to the floor,
smashing into shards,

covering every corner.

I felt there was no fix,
no repair, no way back.

Or, so I thought

28/04/2022

For Violet

I woke up this morning
and forgot to grieve.

Outside my window,
birds, flowers, Spring.

Buried was the mental
and physical tedium

of constant sorrow.

Inside my heart, a
secure place for you,

a renewed sense
of hope and, possibly,

even happiness.

22/04/2022

Essence

When the house is quiet
and my soul is still,
I can feel your essence,
in the hollow of my being.
It says,
"I am here.
You can breathe me in.
You can sense my warmth.
You can be at peace.
You can hold my heart
in the palm of your hand.

from Words for the Unbearable

15/04/2022

My Dreams

My dreams unfold
like a run-a-way train.

Frenetic visions, ideas,
memories, ricochet

against each other in
boundless themes,

something like a
silent film on steroids.

Attempting to follow,
I run along side,

never entirely sure
what my unconscious

is so desperately
trying to tell me.

07/04/2022

Surrender

I am riding on a sun ray,
through the warm air,
cool breeze wafting
in my hair, pillowed
in a soft cloud, rocking
to the soundtrack of
my memories, held by
all who have loved me
and all I am leaving
behind, in kindness
and appreciation, on
my way to the moon.

31/03/2022

Time

Time passing,
stops for no one,
bringing you
closer to the
finish line.
Makes you
question your
life choices,
where you’ve
been and where
you’re going,
what’s the leaving
and the grieving
and the meaning
of what you’ll
leave behind.

23/03/2022

Sweet Memory

Memories whisper
in soft voices that

can barely be heard
unless you pause

your world, wrap
your arms around

yourself, and be
perfectly quiet

and still.

Then you can
understand what

messages are there
and why they are

coming to you
at this particular

time and place,
allowing you to

embrace

yourself, held
in their comfort.

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