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This is how much grace I live under…Yesterday it around 4pm and I had just had my last client. I put her money in my wal...
12/30/2023

This is how much grace I live under…

Yesterday it around 4pm and I had just had my last client. I put her money in my wallet and went around to the back to get Henry for his afternoon walk. Usually his afternoon walk is shorter than his morning walk but it’s still about a 2 mile walk. So we’re gone for a half an hour or so from the house.

I live in Pomona and I live off a major street in Pomona. Even though we live in a very nice section of the city, we have our “characters.” Because I have the goal of peace, I try to see these characters as just people who are going through challenges just as we all are. Some of those challenges might include homelessness or mental/behavioral issues…some are going through substance addiction or abuse of some kind or another. Notice how I said at the outset that I have a goal of peace - I don’t always make that goal. In fact, I have yet to experience a day in the almost 59 years that I’ve been trudging around this planet that has been completely peaceful.

To me, being at peace is not the absence of things stressful or unpleasant- but it is the absence of inner chatter about those things that appear as stressful or unpleasant. It is about letting go of what I think needs to be so in order to experience peace and like I said, I have yet to have one full day in 59 years where I didn’t have at least one grievance about some kind of “bulls**t.”

I recently learned that a beautiful friend I had for many years passed away nine days before Christmas. Her husband found my phone number and called me to let me know. She was from Austria and I loved her thick Austrian accent. She was funny and playful and liked to play tricks. The last five years of her life were of her body totally betraying her and yet she remained optimistic and cheerful. To some, this would just seem like a brave act because the inevitable would be too tough to deal with, but with Ingrid, she understood the inevitable and she laughed with it - never at it but with it - she didn’t play at being brave; she just was.

I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would and I didn’t go down the path of regret and remorse that I tend to go down when someone I deeply love passes - oh, I should’ve called more…I should’ve let them know how much I loved them more…we should’ve had that lunch we always talked about…

Y’know. Bu****it.

And Ingrid would’ve said that, too. Instead of sobbing, I sat quietly and remembered a few inner “frames” of her and I and I imagined those times that came to be in as brightly as I could. I turned the “volume” up and I felt love and light oozing from the memory and I felt it all as Real in the only moment I ever have; the Eternal Now and it was Real and is Real and will forever be Real because Ingrid and I are Real…you are Real…we all are Real and by Real I do not mean this fleeting physical reality…I mean, that ‘Let there be Light’ Reality where there are no breaks, cracks, or divides…

Sit with that and let your mind implode.

Henry and I finished our walk. I looked at him and I smiled. He’s turning out to be such a lovely boy. He was difficult to train and he still can be quite unruly and when he stands up, he’s 5’7”, 100 pounds of pure intimidating muscle but I ground myself and never waiver in my knowing that for now we are meant to be in each others life and that’s okay.

I go in the kitchen and Tracy hears a thud at the front door. She opens it up and comes in the kitchen and hands me something; my wallet. I didn’t even know it was missing. There was $200 in it. There were credit cards and gift cards and private information in that wallet.

And it was all there.

It was all magnificently and beautifully there with nothing missing. Tracy checked the doorbell cam tape and whoever found it made sure they remained out of view.

Lots of characters go by our house every day and one of them did the very right thing and returned my wallet to me and just like stories can be used to take away peace, stories can be used to promote peace.

I live under enormous grace and I live under it with you.

Let’s be even more Real in 2024.

Happy New You.

Peace,

John

This week made me feel weak. It made me feel “off my game” so to speak. It is easy to blame situations and events and pe...
04/21/2023

This week made me feel weak. It made me feel “off my game” so to speak. It is easy to blame situations and events and people as the “cause” of this suffering, but ultimately it comes down to me and how I am allowing it to affect me.

Some of you may know that for many years of my life, I experienced body dysmorphia. What that is, is that one perceives their physical being in a very distorted way and makes them overly critical of their physical appearance. When I was younger I “accepted” that I was “hideously ugly” but I was going to make others and myself forget that I was - if even for a little while - by making them laugh or smile and for myself, I would distract myself by finding the beauty in other things. I would literally go into a hypnotic state just staring at a flower, or a painting, or the ocean, or even at another person. I was training myself to see the beautiful even if at the time I couldn’t transfer that awareness to my own being.

It wasn’t until I was in my early 30s and I was living in a little back house that had a big glass sliding window that overlooked a golf course and the LaVerne Canyon areas. If the weather was clear, the morning sunlight would stream through the blinders that covered the window and bounce off the big plate glass mirror that was in my bathroom area. And one day while washing my face, I was caught totally off guard by looking into just one of my eyes. I didn’t equate it with “my eye” I just saw it through that same lens that I used many times before when looking at flowers and paintings and beautiful things and this whole and holy manifested experience I happened to be living in; and I was “drawn in” by the depth of that one eye. Blues and greens, purples and golds and it was exquisite in its shape and how the colors stood on their own as well as overlapped upon themselves. No painter in the world could’ve captured this and then I stepped back and I realized it was “mine”…it was My eye that I was looking at and mine was Thine.

“The eye with which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me…”
- Meister Eckhart

And I felt a softness and a gentleness well up from within and I cried. All these years the beauty I was seeking to find in the without was the exact same beauty that was already within. There was no dividing line or separation. The Creator and the Creation were, are, and will forever be One. And starting from that moment forward, my life truly began to shift…

Yesterday I was reaching epic levels of stress and anxiety around all the plumbing work that had been going on for four days at the house.

Everything felt uncomfortable and upsetting. The yard was dug up, the house was a disaster, a big dog was running around the house, an almost eight year old was being an almost eight year old and I even said it out loud a few times, “things are ugly” around here.

Things calmed down and I posted a picture of our new toilet and even made a joke that it was the latest edition to our family and a couple of close friends mentioned (in a joking way) that they could “see the resemblance” and I went into a tailspin and took it all too personally.

So I sat with it. I breathed into it and I made an opening in which I could sit in the uncomfortableness of it and I realized with Real Eyes that it was a joke and that I didn’t have to wear it as a heavy chain of condemnation and I even started feeling grateful that these two beautiful people (inwardly and outwardly) brought up this trigger because how am I going to know what I want unless I know first of what I don’t want and what I want is Beauty. In ALL things that is what I want the most. I always have.

The poet, John Keats said it best;

“‘Beauty is Truth, Truth is Beauty. ' – that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know".

And I had a great epiphany that this is all I’ve ever wanted. Even when I struggled with body dysmorphia, I wanted it and I went looking for it even though I was unaware that it was always here.

Beauty is not just physical attractiveness; it is what one exudes when they are in alignment with their whole and holy self. A flower is beautiful because they don’t have to be anything but a flower. We are beautiful when we let God be God in us and as us. We don’t have to add a thing. In fact, the more we subtract from that which we imagine separates us from that which created us, the more beautiful we become because the more we are in alignment with that which we truly and already wonderfully are.

Breathe in your beauty…
Breathe out your loveliness…

Shine as the being you were created to be in all that you are a part of today and every day.

Peace and Blessings,
John

I’m a flawed person. I have done things and continue to do things that maybe I shouldn’t. I’ve said things that if there...
08/11/2021

I’m a flawed person. I have done things and continue to do things that maybe I shouldn’t. I’ve said things that if there were such a thing as a time machine, I’d go back in time, slap my past self, and get back in the time machine. I really detest the saying “I’m doing the best I can with what I know.” And when I say that, I know the other person is probably thinking, “Oh. Then you obviously don’t know jack s**t…”

And they’re probably right. At least in that instant/instance there was a definite distant distance between the heart, the mind, and the mouth. But yet I’m given another day and another day and here you go, here’s another day…

At the time of my writing this, I’ve been given 20,598 days.

And when I sit in my favorite meditation chair and absorb the wonderful vibrations that I’ve manifested while sitting in that chair, I am awash with grace, and strength; ease and purpose.

My friend, William likes to symbolize this grace with a semicolon…with a “;” because there is more to come…a lot more to come and all I can do is set tiny minuscule goals for myself which I’ve done ever since I survived a botched su***de attempt in 1987 and they may not seem like much but they’ve gotten me through so much.

• In the next five minutes, I will smile.

• Right now I’m going to do my best to laugh.

• Just for today I’m going to forgive that person. I may not be able to forgive them tomorrow but I can do it today.

And these micro goals helped get me over the biggest hurdle of my life; me. ME. ME is an acronym for “My Ego.” That thing that likes to be more than it is even when it is doing its very best to stay small.

So today I prayed for Light. I prayed for Grace. I prayed for Renewal and Redemption. I prayed not to a God that withholds these things from me but I prayed to those parts of me that haven’t quite figured out that these things are always available to me.

My favorite quote out of the thousands upon thousands of words that mythologist, Joseph Campbell ever wrote were these, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are…”

You are entitled to your first breath, you are entitled to your last breath, and every God Blessed Breath in between because you are YOU and ain’t nobody going to ever fill that spot. You may not think you are worthy. You may label yourself as undeserving. But take that up with the universe when it did an atomic light infused dance to create you as you. No-body…nobody will occupy your eternal space but you.

Set a mini goal to just be patient in the next three seconds. Every second is backed up by 100% of the Eternal who knows us better than we will ever know ourselves.

There is so much waiting for us. And it’s all manifesting itself in and through us even now.

Peace to you,

John

I would like to think that I made the world a bit better with me being in it. I would like to believe that if I weren’t ...
05/17/2021

I would like to think that I made the world a bit better with me being in it. I would like to believe that if I weren’t in it things would be radically different. I would love to know that people benefited from the all the things I have ever written, said, or done...but it’s just the small “i” that wonders these things whereas the big “I” doesn’t have to wonder or imagine or even believe it just moves forward being what It is and does exactly what’s in front of It to do without judgment or analysis.

Early this morning, I found myself caught up in a riptide of emotion. Yesterday was a rather tumultuous day and I found the little “i” that I so often mistake myself for actually being as ultimately real, getting bumped and bruised and hurt and jumbled and tumbled that this me I pretend to be went to bed wanting to not wake up and face one more day of this scam/sham that as often been interpreted as my life.

When first learning about meditation, I “studied” it at a Hindu temple. I was so eager and so enthusiastic about it that I jumped into the “deep end” of the cosmic pool and found myself swimming in the ecstatic waters of spirit and realizing that the peace, love, and joy that we talk about in the world are nothing compared to the Peace, Love, and Joy that are also available to us in every instant but we only (begrudgingly) allow in small amounts because we have been so conditioned to believe that the shadows we cast are more real than the Light that has caused them.

My identity has been so wrapped up in and warped by my trying to make something of myself that I forgot I already was something to begin with. I forgot that the abundance I was freely partaking in was just a small symbol of the Abundance that has been prepared just for me as an extension of this Holy Universe that exists as the Invisible Undivided Holy Whole I call for lack of a better definition, God. My church is “invisible” and the “bread and wine” that I celebrate my communion with is at the altar of my mind and heart.

I’m not saying Divine Forces took away my ability to sell so freely and easily on this site. I am, however, putting the whole thing on me. On some level of mind, I wanted this to happen so that I could once again stretch and grow into a new version of myself which explains the uncomfortableness of the feelings I have been feeling.

Hear me out before making your judgment on me; the “i” of me wants so much to die so that it can once again be reborn and transformed. It wants its wingspan to triple and it wants to fly higher than it has previously but it cannot stretch itself fully in a mould that it cast yesterday. It must awaken and look in the mirror and come “face to face” with that which it is in Reality.

The True Self cannot be found in the crucifixion. It can only be found in the resurrection and in the ascension. It can only be found when one dares to imagine a life beyond the life it once made to the Life that awaits one now. That Life is my life now.

Fear is just excitement misinterpreted. Something is waiting for me now. Something is waiting for you, as well. Of course, I have benefited your Life because you have benefited mine and all the millions upon millions of the tiny webs of connections we have made and will continue to make will only further reinforce upon our mind that only in our feeling alone can we ultimately uncover the glorious Real-I-zation that we are All-One.

Blessings to you this new day.

John

Everything and Nothing (A Poem)Something happens after I pray or meditate that I cannot easily explain away...It's like ...
01/09/2018

Everything and Nothing (A Poem)

Something happens after I pray or meditate that I cannot easily explain away...
It's like the influence of the world has lost its sway and my deepest sense of the Great Invisible has been restored.
I harbor no hate.
I hoard no misery.
I am content to wait on Eternity knowing I am always one revelation away from the timeless.
Everything and Nothing
Nothing and Everything
Slash through linear bound explanations and what I seek to find has found me already in the steady peace of Divine Contemplation...

06/11/2017

January 12, 1987

It rained pretty hard the night before. Which I am glad of because my sobs were somewhat muted. I lookout through the bars of my window and see a huge rainbow spanning across the sky. I smile slightly and just whisper the word "forgiveness" to myself.

Today my family will be coming to pick me up. I have mixed emotions about this. I want to go home but I know it will all be different now. My mind races with thoughts.

Maybe I should try again.
Maybe I should swallow 150 pills instead of 90.
Maybe I should make sure that nobody is home first before even trying this.

Nothing like facing your family after a botched su***de attempt.

Yuck. These eggs are horrible. Maybe I'll die from food poisoning before they get here. Too late. They're here. My dad is his standard ten minutes early. He is well dressed as usual. Come on, dad, it's Saturday. Live a little.

Three hours later.

Well, that went remarkably horrible. They said to the doctor that they all knew I was going to do it. Cindy stayed home because she had a very strange feeling that something bad was going to happen. Jeff stuttered. He hasn't done that in years. My dad did his usual eye rolls whenever the doctor suggested something that seemed "far out" or different. I sat there. I looked out the window. I saw a white dove sitting on the wall.

Forgiveness.

Yes.

Forgiveness...

09/22/2016

We all have an idea - even if you are an atheist - of Heaven. A place/a space where the troubles of the world are nothing; where we feel at peace, certain, and safe.

We all want Heaven. But how many of us are willing to "give" Heaven? We give Heaven when we trade in our complaints and our grievances about another person, place, or thing and we have the desire to see within that experience only the Holy, only the Radiant, only the Light that shines and shines forever in the deep recesses of our mind.

I remember when I had the epiphany that all the troubles I ever had with my dad were not really caused by him or his behavior but what I was telling myself about him and his behaviors.

It was a very liberating 10minutes.

But then my ego chimed in with why it really was his fault why I was so unhappy and so unfulfilled. The ego doesn't want us to be happy. The ego doesn't want us to feel good or experience Heaven. The ego wants us to stay in hell.

Haven't you noticed?

It's called being a victim and we are victims when we let the experiences of our life take control of what we think.

I've heard a lot of heavy s**t as a therapist. Some that just made me wince inside and made me wonder how that person ever survived those things. There was one lady in particular who was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She carried herself with dignity, grace, and poise. Every word she spoke was measured with love and compassion.

And then she told me.

She told me how everyday from the time she was five to fifteen years old, either her father or one of her three brothers would routinely r**e her. Sometimes they would all do it the same day.

And here this woman sat before me. Not a hollow shell of a person. But a vibrant, alive woman who trusted with all of her heart that life was/is/and will always be good.

How? How did she get to that place in her mind that she could forgive those that terrorized her for ten long years.

She said at first she was angry....uh, ya think? But her mind was so full of rage that she said it literally exploded and because her mind was now in a trillion pieces, all that was left was the "Infinite Light" of God.

She said it wasn't up to her to figure out how or why this happened. It was, however, up to her to realize that she was worthy and deserving of peace and love and joy and the only way she could receive those things was if she gave those things away to her father and her brothers.

"And what happened to them?"

She smiled and said, "Well, I gave them so much love and compassion that I guess they didn't know what to do and so they all died."

"What?"

She smiled again, "They died. They all had heart attacks and died. But I had forgiven them and gave them the freedom to live their lives as they needed to and I guess this is how they needed to."

Most of us would want our victimizers to rot in hell. But she (in her mind) turned them all over to Love. She wasn't about to be victimized over and over again. She made a decision to be free.

And that is a decision we are called to make in this moment; the decision to be free enough to claim our Truth even in the middle of trying circumstances. We can choose peace even in warlike conditions. We can choose Love even when being crucified. We can choose Light instead of huddling in a dark corner and when we do, we are choosing what is rightfully ours.....

We are choosing Heaven.

So today, I invite you to choose Heaven. To breathe it in....to breathe out...to be it...to come from it...to know and feel with all your heart and spirit and soul that it belongs to you - that it has always belonged to you and that you are worthy and deserving enough to experience it.

Well?

Can I get an Amen?

Peace and Love to you always,

John

01/22/2016

This morning I went to my car to get some things, and it was unlocked. I thought for sure I had locked it but no big deal...but then i went in my drawer to get my wallet and it wasn't there. I ran back to my car to see if maybe I left it in my center console. Again, it wasn't there.

I felt my face get hot and I began to get a little panicky. Helena started crying and I wanted to keep looking for my wallet but I couldn't. I had to stop and feed her and change her diaper. My mind raced with worry and my stomach was tied in knots as I began to think of cancelling my ATM cards, my credit cards, getting a new license and the $225 that was in my wallet that I was going to use to buy new inventory for my space.

I fed and changed Helena and put her in her crib and I was just about to tear the house apart in a panic when I heard;

"Sit down, John. Just breathe."

And strangely enough, I did.

"You're not going to panic. You're not going to get stressed. That's what you used to do but not today. Today, you are just going to feel certain and confident and joyful. If you don't find your wallet, you are going to just cancel all your cards and it'll be okay. If someone stole it and took your money, oh well...just bless them and know that maybe they needed it more than you."

I got so relaxed, I actually fell asleep for ten minutes and when I opened my eyes, I heard

"Look over to your right."

And behind a picture frame was my wallet.

All fear, all panic, all worry is the thought that we won't be able to handle something. I know that my story of losing a wallet is a rather pithy example and that there are things way more devastating than losing a wallet but whatever those things may be, the thought that we won't be able to handle what were given - the fear, the panic, the anxiety drives us and pushes us around so badly that we do end up looking like we couldn't handle something when in all actuality, if we had taken the time and distanced ourself from the anxiety, we would've found within ourselves the ever present/ever available resources that would've gotten us through.

If you're in a panic over something today, just take some time out and breathe into the worry, the stress, the fear and feel the spaciousness of the universe guiding you to your next move. We are never without guidance. We are never without direction. To the universe, there are no big concerns or little concerns; it's all the same.

Replace fear with Love and see everything unfolding in just the right way that will not only benefit you but all concerned. If we really knew that everything was for our benefit, what could we fear?

Well, Helena and I have an estate sale to go to. Peace and Blessings.

John

01/21/2016

My mother has now been gone for forty-one years. That is longer than she was alive. At the same time we were weeping and putting flowers on her grave, what would one day be my favorite book, A Course in Miracles, was finally edited into book form and would soon go into publication.

My mother was a beautiful, courageous woman who cried when she was sad and laughed when she was happy and was not afraid to express love, and kindness, and compassion. When she was given the news she had cancer, my dad told me that she actually smiled. When asked why she smiled, my mom apparently said, "Now I get to prove that Love is real."

In the opening of A Course in Miracles, it says:

"Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God."

I got to experience this woman as my mother for 9 years. My sister, Linda got 13 years, my other sister, Cindy got 11 1/2 years, and my little brother, Jeffrey got only 4 short years of which he does not remember any of it.

My mother's love for us was intense although brief. A Course in Miracles states that "All expressions of Love are maximal."

When my mother passed away, I initially felt as though she really did not go anywhere and I was safe because her love was always with me. It was only later that I let guilt and fear rule my mind. ACIM claims that fear and guilt are learned in this world. They do not exist in Heaven (the state of Perfect Love).

When I was 12 I was in the bookstore buying the new Mad Magazine and I felt as though someone was staring at me. I turned around and there was no one there but three blue books with gold lettering that said, "A Course in Miracles."

As I grew older, I felt more insecure, more afraid, the more I tried to control my life, the more panicky I became.

ACIM: "If you are trusting in your own strength, you have every reason to be afraid."

After many years of searching, therapy, healing and coming to the conclusion (once again) that my mother did love me and still did, I realized that if my mother loved me so much, imagine how much this Universe loves me and because I do exist (obviously), I must be worthy of it.

ACIM: "Your value is in God's Mind...to accept yourself as God created you cannot be arrogance...to accept your littleness is arrogant, because it means that you believe your evaluation of yourself is truer than God's."

Did my mother lead me to A Course in Miracles? Did A Course in Miracles find me rather than me finding it? I really don't know the answer to these questions nor do I really care. What I do know is that life is a beautiful tapestry and we are all woven together in this story of time and space.

What heals my mind, heals yours on some level; just like what heals yours, heals mine. Love is not a collection of parts but is always Whole, always Holy, and always Perfect.

I celebrate my mother's passing today with great joy. I celebrate my willingness to attempt to live out my spiritual beliefs with that same joy. And I celebrate YOU for being in my life knowing and feeling that if our lives crossed, we managed to keep our "Holy Appointment" with each other.

Peace to you this new day.

John

01/20/2016

I once worked at a rinky d**k job that paid next to nothing and every six months or so they felt the need to rake you over the coals to see if you were lucky enough to get a five cent an hour increase in your pay.

Well, the assistant manager called me in. She always looked like she was smelling something horrible. She had absolutely no college education and was about as good with people as Hi**er was to anyone who wasn't German and she sat me down to give me my evaluation.

In a voice that was as smooth as 50g sandpaper she said, "I would like nothing better to move you up to the next level of pay but I find that the only thing you are consistent at is being inconsistent..."

Her smile looked like a strip of uncooked bacon and you could tell that she was quite pleased in delivering this news to me.

I had already been an avid reader of Ralph Waldo Emerson for two years brought up a line that pleased my rebellious temperament and said, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds..."

Her eyes got small and shifted rapidly from side to side, "Well, yes...perhaps I might see if there is something I can do for you to move you to the next level..."

I walked out of there self-satisfied and went back to being inconsistently consistent.

How many of us just do things because we don't know of any other way to do them? The answer to this rhetorical question is, all of us.

We don't question ourselves as much as we should. Usually, the only time we do is when we are in so much anguish over something that we are desperate to find an answer and even then we are often hard pressed to let go of those ideas and beliefs that never really served us but because we don't like the idea of being without them.

I had a client say to me, "What do you want me to do? Hit rock bottom?"

I said (almost too enthusiastically), "Why yes! That's exactly what I'm suggesting..."

This person really didn't want to change. They thought the world should change but not them. But that's not the way it is. If we really want the world to change, it has to start with us. We have to question those beliefs...those ideas...those thoughts that we literally "worship" but bring us nothing but the same old nonsense.

What do we desire to experience next? What would constitute a healing for us? What would we have to believe in order to experience that healing.

I remember I was so desperate to hear my dad tell me that he was proud of me. He wasn't long for this world and I just resigned myself to the fact that I probably wasn't going to hear it. One day while visiting him in the hospital, I picked up his frail hand and said to him, "I'm proud of you, dad..."

A couple of mornings later in that realm of still being asleep and awake, my dad - a much younger version of my dad - magically appeared at the foot of my bed and smiled at me and said, "Johnny, you've made me happy every day of my life. I'm glad you chose me to be your dad."

I smiled at the dream but got up, showered, and went on about my day. I visited my dad and he was restless. I stroked his hair and said, "It's okay, dad...you'll be okay..."

In a half dazed state he said, "I went to your house today but nobody was home..."

I thought about that dream. I smiled. The next couple of weeks with my dad were absolutely glorious and then he passed.

We have to be the change we want to see in the world. The world is the way it is because we believe it to be a certain way. But what if enough of us began to see it a new way...a kinder way...a more empowered way...a way that made every life sacred and blessed?

Life would have to change.

And that is my wish for all of us; that we grow and evolve and move to a higher level of being. To quote Tennyson, "A man's reach should exceed his grasp or what's a Heaven for?"

Peace to you this new day.

John

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