12/01/2020
Parent with ADHD on how she parents her own child with ADHD and how she wishes she had been patented...
https://www.facebook.com/100044325824943/posts/219150096239183/
Question in my e-mail inbox yesterday:
"How do I get my ADHD son (age 14) to close cabinet doors and drawers behind him? I need him to PAY ATTENTION! I know he can't help it, but it drives me absolutely crazy. How many times am I going to remind him before it finally sticks?"
She's asking me because I have ADHD. She knows I have a son her son's age who has ADHD. I'm very open about both the joys and challenges it brings our family.
As soon as I read the message, I looked up from my recliner, smiled, and snapped this picture of my kitchen.
I'm 41 years old. Do I always leave cabinet doors open? Definitely not. Why do I remember sometimes, but not others? Well, sometimes as I'm grabbing a plate, my mind has moved on to the next steps of the meal prep process before I think to close it. Sometimes I remembered something really funny. Sometimes the microwave has just beeped. Sometimes I'm on the phone. Yet, other times, I'm fully engaged in the present and will remember to close the doors and turn out the lights. It just depends, and it is almost impossible to predict.
My advice to this Mom is as follows:
"I know it is exhausting, but it will serve you well to embrace the fact that your ADHD child will likely NEVER stop leaving cabinet drawers and doors open. They may never remember to take their medicine every single day. No amount of reminders or consequences will afford them the ability to remember ANYthing every single time.
With ADHD, 100% consistency can never be the goal; there is no fool-proof method that will yield 100% success when it comes to their memory. If there was, it would be called a cure. ;)
Telling them every time they leave a cabinet door open, or they've forgotten something - is not "reminding them"... it's simply pointing out yet another failure or shortcoming. Pointing out a forgotten task after the fact rarely works to prevent them from doing it the next time. It's not a matter of being inconsiderate; it is a matter of neurology.
If a task is truly important (remembering to lock doors, close the freezer, turn off the oven...), we can help them develop more consistent routines and life hacks to prevent these things from happening as often. We can install a freezer alarm, smart locks, teach them to set timers, help them brainstorm new "mind tricks" to encourage reliable habits. This must be done with a spirit of teamwork and support, not one of shame or punishment.
Preserving their dignity and strengthening the parent-child relationship must always be more important than the fixing these day-to-day behaviors. Trust me, the world will "remind them" a hundred times a week that they've fallen short in some small way. They don't need to hear it from their parents too. We must reallocate this time and energy to helping them recognize their gifts, strengths, and inherent self-worth.
I just love all of these ADHD kids I've never met... because I truly feel for them. One of the most important things I've done to support my own healing from my undiagnosed ADHD childhood is to parent my kiddo the way I wish I was parented. I get to say things to my son that I desperately wish someone had said to me.
Take heart: Your ADHD kids will make incredible leaders/partners/parents/employees in adulthood. If you treat them with respect and dignity now, they will be less likely to settle for a partner who constantly points out their shortcomings and failures as adults. Treating them as if they're broken now could cause them to grow up and settle for less than they deserve in life.
May we all just smile when we see our ADHD kids' open cabinet doors and forgotten items. Instead of slamming a door in frustration or voicing irritation, may we instead choose to imagine that they were interrupted by a wildly creative, funny, or sensitive thought... and choose to just close it for them. It's one of the easiest things we can do to meet our ADHD kids right where they are.
P.S. I'm going live Wednesday to share my full ADHD story (signs missed in childhood, diagnosis at age 27...) in the HR Mom Parenting Focus Group. See comments for how to join!
