Mindset Coaching

12/10/2020

In this post, I want to share a little about what I’ve been learning about meditation—both from an intellectual and also an experiential perspective. Let me start by saying that I’m a novice. If you’ve read a lot about meditation and/or have been practicing for a long time, you’ll probably need to look elsewhere for additional insight.

If, on the other hand, you’ve tried several times without success to “get into” meditation, or haven’t even begun to try, my experience may be relevant. After many false starts—I experimented with Headspace, Calm, Insight Timer, and even Daring to Rest, created specifically for busy women—I’ve finally begun to meditate regularly. My streak is over 30 days now, and I feel committed to maintaining and deepening the practice. What made the difference for me was discovering Sam Harris, a neuroscientist and writer whose work was recommended to me by one of my coaching clients. Harris has written a book on spirituality without religion, titled Waking Up, and I’ve been using his guided meditation app by the same name. There are many things I appreciate about Harris’ work, including his scientific approach to the benefits of meditation and the “lessons” that accompany the guided meditations. These elements satisfy my desire to understand this phenomenon at an intellectual level without requiring that I adopt a specific, faith-based belief system. (In fact, Harris is controversial in some circles for his unapologetic atheism.)

In using the Waking Up app, I’ve begun to feel something other than restless and impatient during my 10 minutes of morning meditation. I actually look forward to it as an opportunity to let go of all striving, an opportunity just to pay close attention to here-and-now experience, without judgment. If you believe, as many of my clients have told me they do, that your mind is too active for meditation, that’s probably an indication of how much it could benefit you. To be distracted is human, but it’s not a particularly helpful human tendency. According to research, “people are consistently less happy when their minds are wandering, even when the contents of their thoughts are pleasant.” Meditation appears to be our best hope for quieting our internal dialogue and truly being present. Is it easy? Not at all. That’s why it’s referred to as “practice.” If you tell yourself you have to be good at it, if you can’t adopt a growth mindset, you’re likely to get frustrated and give up. Experiment with telling yourself that as long as you’re struggling, it means that you’re learning and growing and creating new neural pathways that will ultimately reap substantial rewards.

Indeed, the emotional and physiological benefits of long-term meditation practice are well-documented: reduced anxiety and depression, increased pain tolerance, enhanced immune function, decreased inflammation, and – most astonishingly – structural changes to the brain, including increased grey matter thickness and cortical folding, which could decrease susceptibility to age-related cognitive declines. As the parent of two teenagers, I am particularly hopeful about the ability of regular meditation to reduce emotional reactivity; my one-word goal for 2021 is equanimity.

So, you might ask, how’s it going a month and a half in? I still notice myself getting triggered by little things—dirty laundry strewn across the floor, teenage eye rolls, and claims that the right to go maskless in public during a pandemic trumps one’s responsibility to protect others—but I do feel as if I’m recovering more quickly after I allow myself to get knocked off course. Even my husband has noticed. I’m looking forward to paying attention to what else changes in the coming months and years.

For me, quotes are powerful tools for capturing ideas that have both cognitive and emotional resonance, so here I offer a few from Sam Harris in regard to meditation and its potential impacts.

"Being mindful is not a matter of thinking more clearly about experience. It is the act of experiencing more clearly, including the arising of thoughts themselves."

"Changing how you respond to the world is often as good as changing the world. Of course, you can try to change the world. You can try to get everyone around you to behave exactly as you want. But try as hard as you might, the sources of stress and embarrassment and disappointment and self-doubt will always be there. Happily, there's another game to play, and not everyone knows about it. Rather than try to change the world in each moment, there's another move open to you. You can look more closely at what you're doing with your own mind, and actually cease to respond to life in ways that produce needless suffering for yourself and those around you."

“Our minds are all we have. They are all we have ever had. And they are all we can offer others. This might not be obvious, especially when there are aspects of your life that seem in need of improvement—when your goals are unrealized, or you are struggling to find a career, or you have relationships that need repairing. But it’s the truth. Every experience you have ever had has been shaped by your mind. Every relationship is as good or as bad as it is because of the minds involved. If you are perpetually angry, depressed, confused, and unloving, or your attention is elsewhere, it won’t matter how successful you become or who is in your life—you won’t enjoy any of it.”

“In the broadest sense, meditation is simply the ability to stop suffering in many of the usual ways, if only for a few moments at a time. How could that not be a skill worth cultivating?”

In my next post, I’ll discuss what I’ve learned recently about an alternative but complementary approach to enhanced well-being, an approach rooted in Stoic philosophy. My 18-year-old self, who as a college freshman dropped out of the one and only philosophy course she would ever take because she found it so incredibly boring, would be shocked to know that over 30 years later, she’d actually find something of practical value in the field. She’d perhaps be even more shocked to know that she would be able to post about it on something called the internet!

12/07/2020

Have you ever heard this quote? “Easy choices, hard life. Hard choices, easy life.” It’s attributed to Jerzy Gregorek, an award-winning weightlifter and writer who was born in Poland and came to the U.S. in 1986 as a political refugee.

This quote captures beautifully for me the inconvenient truth that while we typically know which choices will lead to health, happiness and success—e.g., eating well, exercising regularly, working hard, making good financial decisions, and investing in fulfilling relationships—it’s so much easier to choose other behaviors. (Is it just me, or is it fun to imagine lounging on a comfy couch right now, next to a loved one you take for granted, eating a big bowl of pasta and enjoying a bottle of wine?)

According to Laurie Santos, Professor of Psychology at Yale, there’s a bit of a disconnect, neurologically speaking, between the processes that control craving and the processes that control enjoyment. This is true both for addicts, who often don’t truly enjoy the substances they just put so much time and energy into obtaining, and for non-addicts. Our brains fool us, essentially, into pursuing outcomes that don’t actually increase our happiness in any lasting way, and sometimes not even in a fleeting way. I’ll write another post soon on the concept of hedonic adaptation.

Although I didn’t coin the term happiness hack, I think it’s an appropriate one to capture the practical strategies that humans can employ to create sustainable bumps in our overall well-being.

Take the Ulysses contract. I heard this term only recently when I listened to Brené Brown interview neuroscientist and author David Eagleman for her Unlocking Us podcast, but I had been familiar with the concept for a long time. The term comes from the story of Ulysses, of Homer’s The Odyssey; Ulysses had his ship’s crew tie him to a post before they sailed by the island of the Sirens, knowing their song would tempt him into bad behavior if he weren’t physically restrained.

Have you ever made a date with a friend to work out? Then you’ve entered into a Ulysses contract. It’s when you make a decision in the present—when you are “of sound mind”—that will in some way lock you in to making a good choice in the future. You’re much less likely to skip the workout if you’ve made yourself accountable to your friend. Another example provided by David Eagleman is this: at final exam times, college students exchange Facebook passwords with one another—and then change them—not allowing the original account holders to log on until after exams are over. I think that one’s kind of brilliant.

There are also applications for substance use and abuse. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, it’s best to remove all alcohol from your house when your resolve is strong. A couple of my clients who have wanted to reduce or discontinue their drinking have used a pharmacologically-based Ulysses contract. They have asked their physicians for a prescription for the medication Naltrexone, which not only reduces the craving for alcohol but also completely prevents its pleasant, intoxicating effects. It’s not like the older and better-known Antabuse, which causes violent illness when mixed with alcohol; Naltrexone simply keeps the user from experiencing the sought-after buzz from drinking alcohol, making it much easier to abstain. You can make a good decision in the morning, i.e., take the Naltrexone, and then not have to battle temptation later in the day.

So far today, I’ve talked with a friend, done some uncluttering, taken a long walk, met a stranger and petted her puppy, and have done this short amount of writing. All of these things have increased my happiness. In my next post, I’ll talk a little about something else I did today—something I’m really just starting to dabble in—and that’s practicing mindfulness meditation. According to the research, it’s one of the very best ways to enhance well-being and build resilience. I’ll be comparing it to a strategy that I have used for years in my own life and in my coaching, without knowing its origins: the strategy of reframing, which has its roots in Stoic philosophy. Stay tuned.

12/03/2020

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and reading more non-fiction lately, generally in the fields of psychology and neuroscience, and I'm learning so many practical, real-world applications of the research. I find myself wanting to capture what I've learned for the benefit of my clients, my children, and myself. (I try not to coach my husband or my friends!)

I'm going to experiment here with short posts about what I'm learning, from whom I'm learning it, and how those findings can be leveraged to help us to live "the good life," broadly defined. I'm most interested in outcomes such as happiness, resilience, health, productivity, and satisfying interpersonal relationships.

Here's the first.

I picked this up from Rick Hanson's 2016 interview with Gretchen Rubin, author of "The Happiness Project." Rick's podcast is called "Being Well," and he is the author of, among other books, "Buddha's Brain."

Finding: one of the most sure-fire ways to get a bump in your happiness is to spend time with friends. This is true EVEN for those of us who are introverts. When given a choice, many of us might choose to forego a social event to watch TV, read a book,

It turns out that we shouldn't! Our brains are tricking us! They aren't necessarily very good at remembering the following equation: time with friends = happiness. This is true even when we're tired. Even when we're feeling antisocial. Even when we've been talking all day as part of our jobs.

This may seem highly self-evident to some of you, especially to those of you who are strong extroverts, but I confess it was new to me. Although I cherish my friendships, I've spent years equating self-care with alone time.

Takeaway: if you have a chance to spend time with someone you really like, even if virtually, do it.

Now, excuse me while I go schedule a Zoom call with my college roommates.

11/15/2020

It's been a year since I've posted anything on this page. Hmmmm.....I wonder why!

In fact, a pandemic would seem to offer PLENTY of opportunities to highlight the importance of mindset. I guess I just haven't thought to make that connection on this page, probably because of the salience and strength of the social and emotional needs of my family members, friends, and clients.

But on the dawn of a new and probably brighter new year, and upon the announcement of a very promising vaccine candidate, I think it's only fitting to post an article about the amazing couple who have pioneered the "Pfizer vaccine."

**In addition to being inspired by their story, I identified a number of mindsets in this article. Can you name (or describe) any of them?**

Keep in mind that a mindset is neither a personality trait (like warmth or conscientiousness) or a behavior (like altruism), but a mental paradigm through which one views themselves, others, and the world. It can be adopted intentionally, and it guides how we experience the world and how we make choices.

Ozlem Tureci and Ugur Sahin are rapidly becoming the most celebrated marriage in science since Marie and Pierre Curie discovered radioactivity.

11/24/2019

Having supervised coaches for (gulp) two decades, I figured it was finally time to get some formal training! Like therapists, coaches dedicated to doing their best work benefit from working with supervisors. Coach supervision, a common practice in Europe and Australia, is finally taking hold in the U.S. I was privileged to be part of only the second US cohort of the prestigious Oxford Brooks coach supervision program held in NYC a couple of weeks ago. I plan to continue to learn and hone my supervision skills, but I am officially beginning to take on supervision clients.

10/14/2018

I'm packing up some cold weather clothes for a trip to the Big Apple! I'll be demonstrating the use of the Coaching Mindset Index (CMI) in helping leaders to benchmark--and then develop--their skills in coaching their direct reports. The "client" I'll be working with--a high-level leader in a not-for-profit organization--won't have seen her CMI results prior to the demonstration. It's a bit risky, but I have faith in the assessment and the process, so I'm hopeful she'll walk away with an actionable insight or two. Still, I'd appreciate if you could send some good thoughts my way on Wednesday afternoon!

08/30/2018

Here's a blog I wrote on the use of the Coaching Mindset Index with one of my coaching clients. Thanks to Cat Chesire for the assist with the writing!

AIIR Consulting is a global leadership development consultancy dedicated to increasing the effectiveness and performance of leaders and their organizations. Through the strategic integration of coaching and technology, AIIR Consulting brings agile leadership development to today's connected leader.....

07/23/2018

On Friday, I spent the day with a client who serves as Chief Information Officer for her organization. I sat in on some one-on-one meetings she had with her team members, and in one of them, I met a very sharp, personable, and funny young man who oversees information security enterprise-wide. When my client stepped out of the room for a moment to take a call, we chatted a little and--in a small world moment--we discovered that he had had my Uncle Benj as a high school math teacher! I asked if I could share his name with Benj, and he said that I could, but that my uncle probably wouldn't remember him. He said he spent more time banging his football helmet against parked cars than studying, so he wasn't a particularly stellar student. When I remarked that he had clearly done very well professionally, he said that his parents, who were educators, taught him one key thing: a learner mindset. He was the second person I talked to last week who had attributed his success to this mindset--the ability to sit down and "figure things out." Being exceptionally intelligent can actually be a hindrance to professional development; when so much comes easily, it's tempting to give up when something feels difficult. That's one reason why research into the "self-esteem movement" found it to be so ineffective. Praising effort rather than results creates the motivation to persist in the face of challenges.

06/24/2018

Every professional I've ever worked with, from the first-time supervisor to the CEO, wants to feel appreciated. It sometimes surprises people to know this about CEO's; isn't their pay, which usually puts them in the top 1% of earners, if not the top .1%, appreciation enough? Usually it's not.

This doesn't mean that CEO's and other executives can function well if they are extremely sensitive to criticism, because that just comes with the territory. One CEO I used to work with, who had 30,000 employees in his organization, put it this way: "30,000 people know how to do my job better than I do."

I realized something about appreciation the other day, though, when I was talking to a new client who received extremely critical feedback from his direct reports: there are important differences in how people want to be appreciated, and these differences have significant implications for performance. After my client and I reviewed his feedback and he had set two development goals, I asked him to describe his ideal life five years from now. One component of desired future state was to be recognized and appreciated for his contributions at work. When I asked who would be providing that recognition and appreciation, he didn’t hesitate before responding that it would be the senior leadership of the organization. I asked whether it was important that his direct reports appreciate him, and he said no, not really.

My guess was that—until he shifted his mindset to make his team the most important source of appreciation for his efforts—that the feedback he received from those reporting to him might not change that dramatically.

One of my former clients, who earned his MBA from Harvard, told me that the most important thing he remembered from his master's program was this: your superiors are the ones who can promote you, but it's your team who can get you fired.

Whose appreciation is most important to you, and how does that influence how you do your work every day?

06/04/2018

I just completed a very interesting coaching session with a psychiatrist who serves as a chief medical officer of a healthcare system but still has significant patient care responsibilities. He made an observation that many of my questions include subtle suggestions, which surprised me. My own perception is that the vast majority of my questions are truly open-ended, and that if I have a suggestion to make, I'll be very explicit and label it as such. (In general, though, according to feedback from my clients on the Coaching Mindset Index 360, I use a lot more Inquiry than Advocacy.) My client and I realized that we've both had a similar experience--hearing from clients/patients YEARS after the fact about a particular comment we made that had a profound effect on their thinking or behavior. Nine times out of ten when this happens to me, I don't even remember saying what my client tells me I said; more disconcertingly, maybe 10% of the time, it doesn't even seem like something I WOULD have said! My client this morning, reflecting on the same pattern in his professional experience, said, "I've gotten more careful about making pronouncements." It was a reminder to me both about the impact that we all have in our conversations with others, and about the power of language.

06/01/2018

Other than integrity (which I view as necessary but insufficient), I believe that the single most important leadership competency is a growth mindset. Today I gave a 360-degree feedback report to a new coaching client who has spent the bulk of her professional life first as an attorney and then as an elected official; neither role involved any formal leadership responsibilities. In her new role--which she also had to win an election to acquire--she is the head of a large agency, and for the first time in her career, she has to manage an organization with hundreds of staff members. Can you imagine the shift in mindset necessary to move from succeeding as an elected official to succeeding as the head of a large organization? One's entire focus has to change from promoting oneself and one's agenda to supporting others in their efforts. Luckily for her--and for the staff of her organization--my client has a growth mindset. The decision to request 360 feedback in the first place was a huge risk! She'd never received it before and didn't know what it would look like. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, but her feedback overall was absolutely stellar. Why? There are lots of reasons, but I believe the key one is a growth mindset: she understands that what has gotten here won't get here there (thanks, David Campbell!), and she is constantly asking herself how she can improve. I believe that it's this openness to learning and developing and adapting to new situational demands that's the key predictor to whether a leader will succeed.

05/29/2018

Having spent the last four days in mom mode (school ended Thursday and camp started today), and having just arrived in South Florida to spend the day tomorrow at one of my favorite client organizations, I'm transitioning back into professional mode. I say that as if there are wholly separate personal and professional ways of being, and that's not true, or at least it's not for me. I think a lot about the intersection of personal and professional lives and selves, and about the parallels between leadership and parenthood, and I love asking my clients about how they lead versus how they parent. Although there are obvious differences (e.g., you can't fire a child, no matter how egregious their behavior), I believe there are a lot of similarities as well. Both leaders and parents need to communicate expectations, provide support, and foster increasing levels of achievement and independence. Personally, I believe that coaching skills--the use of good questions, careful listening and candid feedback--are helpful in parenting as well. When you think about the times at which you are your best--patient, encouraging, attentive, other-focused, grateful, communicating clearly--are you parenting or leading?? Or are you consistent across both personal and professional responsibilities? And if you're more effective in one setting than another, what drives that difference?