By Moonlight and Tide Psychotherapy

01/02/2024

I have openings for new clients. ✨

07/05/2023

If you have a perfectionist child, or one who gets distressed making mistakes- this is for you.

Some of our Neurodivergent kids expect 100% success in everything they do.

Spelling test? They expect 20/20.
Board game? They expect to win.
Lofty project or invention? They expect it to be as perfect as the image they have in their head.
Goal keeper? They expect to save every goal.
Learning a new skill? They expect to be brilliant at it immediately.

When it doesn’t happen, these kids are absolutely crushed.
It’s very hard to watch, and parents worry that their kid’s intense fear of making mistakes may keep them from trying things or reaching their potential.

Here’s what you can do.

1. Stop telling your Autistic kids to ‘do their best’. We can be pretty literal, and we might take that encouragement as a specific instruction- you want us to do the best that we’ve ever done. As in, the outcome needs to be the best that it’s ever been. That tells us that you’re expecting something really, really good.

Try saying ‘I know you’ll try hard’ instead of ‘do your best’. This wording is encouraging effort rather than setting an expectation for an amazing outcome. It also communicates to your kid that you know they always put in big effort (regardless of the outcome).

2. Before a task/activity, ask your kid what they’re expecting from themselves. If they say ‘I’m expecting 20/20 in the test’ you then have a conversation about that expectation. It goes like this:

‘Hmm. I’m not expecting you to get 20/20. These are hard words you’re learning. I would expect you to get between 14 and 17 right. That would be a good score on this test. I would be really happy with that result. So would your teacher.’

My son then asked ‘well, what if I do get 20?’, to which I replied ‘then you should be really happy that you exceeded our expectations.’ After that he did the test and got 19/20. Usually that one error would send him into meltdown, but instead he celebrated the fact that he had exceeded our expectations by two points.

We do this same recalibration and preparation before many tasks.

Board games: how many of us are playing, how many can win, what is the probability that the winner will be you (my kid is brilliant at maths), what is the probability that you’ll actually lose, what’s the plan for if you lose and have some big feelings? (Outline regulation strategies)

Goal keeping: what percentage of goals do professional goalies save, are you a professional, has your team trained much, is the other team really strong, are we missing players, what are the possible outcomes for this game, what’s the plan if you let a goal in, what’s the plan if your team loses?

3. Let your kids see you make mistakes. Point it out, verbalise your feelings about the mistake, show them how you cope with it.

I have done these things with my kid for a few years. He is nearly 9.

He is now able to make mistakes without it crushing him. I regularly see him laugh off a loss in a game. He doesn’t walk off the soccer field anymore when he lets in a goal (or 10). He doesn’t shut down. He tells his brother ‘someone has to lose, you know’ and is often ok when it’s him.

Note: when he is low capacity, the skill of coping with losing is absolutely not as accessible to him. In those times we co-regulate.

Anyway. Try expectation recalibration and let me know how it goes.

Em ☺️🌈✌️
AuDHD SLP

09/03/2023

Changing your perspective can change your life.

28/02/2023

How is your brain laundry this week? This post is funny but reminded me of some powerful cognitive distortions that can trick us into thinking in extremes.

Black and white thinking ignores the shades of gray that are present in our lives. When we separate out good from bad, right from wrong, and beautiful from ugly, we forget the pleasure of life as a gorgeous rainbow, full of colors, shades, contrasts, and experiences. 🌈

11/02/2023

✨⭐️💫

19/01/2023

💔❤️‍🩹❤️‍🔥

06/01/2023

🌱🌾🌷

03/01/2023

14/12/2022

How often do you exist in your head and forget to focus on what is happening around you? Remember to observe, taste, dream, and feel. Remember to live 💕

17/11/2022

What do you see?

15/10/2022

Do something today that brings you joy.

26/09/2022

Wishing you the best Monday!