Ivanna Colangelo, LMFT

All emotions are important and valuable but…I just can’t get behind shame. I blame Brené Brown. But no she’s right, it’s truly the root of so many of the problems we face.

First of all, what is shame? It’s basically that “I’m not good enough” feeling. It’s when you feel like you are “bad” or “wrong” in some way.

Unlike guilt, which is that feeling that you did something wrong, the focus of shame is who you are as a PERSON. Not your behavior.

In relationships, it’s SO easy for some of us to go straight into shame mode as soon as our partner shares a feeling or opinion, makes a request, or expresses a complaint.

This is often a result of early family experiences where we were intentionally or unintentionally shamed for expressing a feeling, voicing an opinion, making a mistake, etc. A lot of our parents used shame as a form of punishment so we wouldn’t repeat problematic behaviors. So it makes sense that because of this early wiring, we’re primed to feel shame during regular relational interactions, often leading to ruptures and conflict.

Example: my husband says he doesn’t like the food at the restaurant I happened to choose for date night.
My brain on shame: “Wow I can’t do anything right, why is he even with me. I suck as a wife.”
Me: (in a defensive tone) “Fine, I guess I won’t pick where we go for date night anymore.”

😖 Beating myself up will not only create disconnection between us, but it’s also self-centered. I’m personalizing his feelings and making them about me and how much I suck. Now he’s in a position of having to respond to me and MY feelings about his feelings.

OR I could acknowledge the initial feeling of shame, take a deep breath, pull myself up from that one-down shame place, and stay focused on HIS experience:

“Oh no, what about the food are you not liking?”
“That’s disappointing, there were so many good reviews about this place.”
“Would you want to order something different?”

Definitely not easy, but we can retrain our brains to recognize when we’re going down into that shame rabbit hole and pull ourselves out so we can stay present and connected in the moment. Let me know what you think in the comments 👇🏼

📣 New Service Alert 📣

Click here for more info and to get started 👉🏼 https://www.ivannalmft.com/groups

Hurt People Hurt People: Guys, We Need To Talk.

I hate that I have to keep talking about this. Mass shooters are not disproportionately “mentally ill.” They’re disproportionately male.

New link to blog post from last year: https://www.ivannalmft.com/relationship-counseling-blog/hurt-people-hurt-people

ivannalmft.com Let’s take a look at recent tragedies in our country and abroad lately: Florida school shooting (and all the ones that have come before) Domestic violence in the NFL Charlottesville march Vegas concert shooting Texas church shooting Police brutality Police being shot Multiple terrorist acts in the...

Why It's Perfectly Normal to Fight More After Getting Engaged

Thanks for the feature Martha Stewart Weddings! Hope this helps normalize the issues that can come up during the engagement period (spoiler alert: it’s not all ❤️s and 🌈 s).

Another reason why I *highly* recommend premarital counseling to engaged couples.

marthastewartweddings.com A new relationship status means something.

In honor of the series finale tonight...

Ivanna Colangelo, LMFT

As I scroll through my social media today I see so much love and gratitude. I'm lucky that I can relate to all those positive feelings. But I can't help but think about how hard it must be for many who can't, for many different reasons. For those of you out there, I see you. Take good care of yourself today.

The Gottman Institute

So tired of hearing negativity about millennials when there’s a lot of positive I see in my generation that isn’t talked about enough. This article confirms what I’ve been seeing in my practice, which is younger couples and individuals

a) Being much more willing to make their mental health and relationships a priority

b) Doing preventive or maintenance work outside of moments of crisis

c) Reaching out for support as soon as they notice issues come up, rather than waiting until it’s too late.

d) Talking about therapy as a normal part of general wellness and self-care

For millennials, "the shame of needing help has been transformed to a pride in getting outside advice,” says psychologist Elizabeth Cohen.

Perspective | Teacher: We must teach emotional literacy to boys. Here’s what happened when I tried.

YES. Thank you to this teacher and all other teachers who are going above and beyond in trying to change the future of boys.

"Emotionally stunted boys become dysfunctional men who remain “trapped in the same suffocating, outdated model of masculinity, where manhood is measured in strength, where there is no way to be vulnerable without being emasculated, where manliness is about having power over others.”

washingtonpost.com Teacher: "It’s critical that we find a way to give America’s boys the tools to wrangle with their inner lives. How can we normalize the language of emotional literacy before it’s too late?"

The Obamas Made Couples Counseling Great Again

Such a great example of how marriage counseling doesn't have to be about getting through a relationship crisis. I want it to be seen as something that people do regularly as maintenance, before things become more challenging to repair. Prevention over intervention.

fatherly.com This is a message married couples should hear all the time. They don’t.

Ivanna Colangelo, LMFT

Got to meet Terry Real, one of my therapist heroes this weekend! If you don’t know who he is, just go read all his 📚 now. After the past year and a half binge reading/listening/watching everything Terry and completing the level 1 Relational Life Therapy (RLT) training, I decided to deepen my knowledge in Boston this weekend at his Level 2 training.


As per usual, it was so inspiring to hear Terry talk about his approach, see him in action, and feed off the energy of fellow RLT groupies 🤓


I’m stoked to continue my training with the goal of becoming a Certified Relational Life Therapist, and can’t wait to get back in the office and bring all of this awesomeness to my clients 🙌🏼
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Hey followers! You may have noticed this page has been much quieter lately. I actually have been posting more on Instagram just because it’s a more comfortable platform for me and it seems like I can reach more people there. If you haven’t already, make sure to follow me for all kinds of relational and emotional health info. See you there!

Ivanna Colangelo, LMFT

It’s that simple.

People start to heal the moment they feel heard.

(Image via Richard Faust Illustration)

Logo change!

10 Not-So-Obvious Signs You're In A Relationship With a Narcissist

It's not just the sociopath on the news or the person clogging up your newsfeed. Those with narcissistic tendencies can often fly under the radar, but wreak havoc on those closest to them over time. I have heard people say that they feel like there is something "off" with their partner, but they'll have a hard time identifying what it is because the narcissist will confuse them with words of love and praise, acts of generosity, and being well-liked by acquaintances. By taking a look at the warning signs, we can better understand how narcissism is contributing to the relationship problems we’re experiencing and steer clear of further emotional and mental harm.

ivannalmft.com if we can learn how to spot the warning signs, and understand how narcissism is contributing to the relationship problems we’re experiencing, we can avoid further emotional and mental harm. 

Sadly, too many people think this is what marriage counseling actually looks like. 😐 I wouldn't want to go if this is what I expected it to be like either! Who wants to pay to fight in front of a stranger? I've had people tell me this is what their previous counseling experience was like and I'm honestly shocked they were willing to give it another try. Well, this won't happen in my office. It will only be asked for in the first session for about 10 minutes so I can observe what normal conflict looks like between the two of you. Beyond that, I'll be interrupting you (a lot) and reminding you that you can just do this at home for free; you don't need me there for that 💁🏻‍♀️ Things can definitely get heated when certain issues are discussed, but you're coming in to learn and practice *new* ways of interacting, not repeating the same negative cycle you're used to.

Ohh social media. When you’re bombarded by messages about how happy and perfect other couples are and feeling like your relationship isn’t up to par, check yourself. What you’re seeing are only the highlights of the relationship. Behind the scenes could be just as ugly (or even uglier) as the issues in your relationship. But of course no one is going to share that! Things are not always as they seem, so avoid comparing yourself to something that is unrealistic. Focus on your own relationship and what you cherish about your partner (despite the gross morning breath).

Hurt People Hurt People: Guys, We Need To Talk.

"Research shows that compared to girls, boys in the U.S. are more likely to be diagnosed with a behavior disorder, prescribed stimulant medications, fail out of school, binge drink, commit a violent crime, and/or take their own lives."

The research is very clear that we are failing our boys and men. Change is happening, but it's way too slow for my liking. Please share to spread awareness.

ivannalmft.com Let’s take a look at recent tragedies in our country and abroad lately: Florida school shooting (and all the ones that have come before) Domestic violence in the NFL Charlottesville march Vegas concert shooting Texas church shooting Police brutality Police being shot Multiple terrorist acts in the...

My clients (especially those 45-60 min away) love that there’s no need to come into my office on days like today. They can stay snuggled on the couch or in bed, sip a warm beverage, and just turn on the phone/tablet/computer and have their session from the comfort of their own home. Can’t get any more convenient than that! 👩🏻‍💻

Romantic. Attentive. Spontaneous.
How often do you see this in magazines, blog articles, books, etc.? Well, it’s crap. No one “gets” anyone to do anything. You’re not in control of your partner, as much as these “relationship experts” want to make you think. Even if your partner starts making changes as a result of your control attempts or manipulation, they will be resenting you and/or will eventually rebel. Which is the complete opposite of what you want, right? Don’t fall for the very tempting desire to control someone else, focus on your own behavior instead. Control is not only an illusion, but it’s always a lose-lose scenario.

4 Common Relationship Myths Debunked

New blog post is up! Too many people go into relationships with preconceived notions about what relationships should look like, and these false beliefs can really set us up for problems. Here I discuss a few of the more common ones I've come across.

ivannalmft.com What have you been taught about relationships that isn't actually true?

Can you spare a few moments to take my survey?

Working on some free relationship resources, but I want to make sure they will include the kind of information YOU are looking for. So if you're a person that exists I'd love for you to help me help you by filling this out! Super short and painless. Promise. And of course completely anonymous. Feel free to share so it can reach more people. Thank you!

surveymonkey.com Please take the survey titled "Relationship Information". Your feedback is important!

About time, Australia! ❤️🌈❤️

Repost The struggle is real. Not just for introverts, but those of us with anxiety. You can’t just tell us you’re stopping by with short notice! 😨 If you are the partner of this person, for the love of everything, *do not* tell them to calm down. Magic words: “Okay we got this. How can I help?” You can thank me later.

Why The Vegas Shooting Happened, and Why Men Keep Doing This

As a female therapist, others look at me a little strange when I say I like working with men. No one would give me such a look if I were a male or female therapist who wanted to help women. That's because the assumptions are:

1. It's acceptable for women to seek and receive help. They can talk about their feelings, no questions asked.

2. Female clients wouldn't sexualize you or cause you physical harm.

3. Women have had it historically harder than men do in society, so of course women "deserve" the support.

But in working with couples as well as men individually, men don't have it as easy as society wants to make us believe. And as we experience this resurgence of hyper-masculinity brought on by the current state of politics, it's only getting more complicated. As the article states, "we are a culture that continually neglects the mental health of our boys, and our men." And "mental health" doesn't just include psychological disorders like the media likes the portray it. It's sadness. Loneliness. Fear. Shame. Regular human emotions that we teach men to fight against and hide. I can't express enough how much this article resonated with me and the work I do. It's not going to be easy, just like female empowerment hasn't been easy, but we have to keep doing our part to help men give themselves permission to be emotional and relational humans.

byrslf.co I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

SHRINK

Watch these celebrities describe a lifetime of therapy in under 2 minutes. Thank you for helping fight the stigma!

spielbergs.video Shrink is a short-form series created by Alex Karpovsky and Teddy Blanks in which smart, charismatic people who have been in therapy for years tell us everything they’ve learned — all in under two minutes. The first season features Sarah Silverman, Susan Orlean, Lena Dunham, Gary Shteyngart, Kimberl...

If you're a parent and you speak up against something bad your child is doing, does that mean you don't care about your child's well-being? If you know your friend is going to hurt themselves or someone else, are you disloyal or a bad friend who doesn't care about them because you decide to call the authorities? No. Because when you truly love something or someone, you want what's best for them. And sometimes that means acknowledging the not-so-pretty parts of them, the parts that might make you uncomfortable, and challenging them to do better. This is true for ALL of our relationships- with our friends, our partners, our kids, our country, and our planet. If we want positive change, we're going to have to ask for it. Even when we're being told to back down.

If you're a guy or love a guy, this book is a must-read/listen. It explains how male depression is often covert, which means it can be present yet not obvious in the ways we generally think of depression. Our culture has created this silence about men's emotions that is hurting men's mental health, their partners, and their children. As a result, men are less likely to reach out for support or vent their feelings to friends and family and end up trying to cover up their pain in ways that are more traditionally "acceptable" for men in our culture- aggression, excessive video game/computer/tv use, drugs and alcohol, work, obsessive striving for power or status, the list goes on.

But it doesn't have to be this way. Men can be, as Terry describes it, "relational heroes" and break the cycle of shame and secrecy that's getting in the way of men living happy and healthy lives.

We all have been doing a great job of empowering women to fight against societal norms and fight their feelings of shame, let's do the same for men. Courage isn't just about physical bravery.

If we want to grow and be successful in our career, our relationships, our lives, we're going to have to leave comfort behind. There's no way around it.
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You're SO over it.

▪️ Having the same argument over and over again.
▪️ Living like roommates.
▪️ Feeling like something is missing, but you can't pinpoint what it is.
▪️ Wondering if you're with the right person.
▪️ The constant blaming, criticizing, and withdrawing.

You know you need to have some serious conversations, but the thought of doing that just fills you with dread and anxiety.

I get it- it's scary and awkward and you'd rather just scroll through Facebook or focus on the kids.

But time, distraction, and/or good ol' hopeful thinking isn't going to change the situation.

You want more from your relationship and I'm here to tell you, you're NOT asking for "too much." You can have what you want once you're armed with the right skills and knowledge.

I've seen it happen.

If you take a class to learn how to drive or do math, why wouldn't you take a class to learn how to have a more intimate relationship?

After all, it's the most important thing in life.

So this "back-to-school" season, make your relationship a priority and commit to enrolling in class yourself- one that will help revive or enhance the emotional intimacy and passion in your relationship.

➡️ Check out ivannalmft.com/couples-group for more information or to register today. Only 4 spots available so act fast!

You'd like to start counseling, but you keep putting it off. You're busy or you have a weird schedule or you just live too far from my office and it just seems like an inconvenience. Well, l want to make it simple for you. We can talk right from the comfort of your couch, or from your office during your lunch break! The only requirements are that you live in my state of licensure (New York) and you have access to a computer/smartphone/tablet. Sound good? Click on the link in my bio for more info.