Audrey Schoen, LMFT

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United States
Roseville, CA
Audrey Schoen, LMFT

California Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Online video counseling for clients in California.

Helping couples and adults gain insight and clarity to feel more grounded, improve communication and create connection in their relationships.

04/23/2026

"He just shuts down."
"He can't tell me how he feels."
"I'm so tired of being the only one doing the emotional work."

I hear some version of this almost every week. And I want to offer a reframe that I think matters:

Most men who come across as emotionally unavailable aren't withholding connection on purpose. They were raised in environments that systematically disconnected them from the very skills that relationships require. Only to find themselves in adult relationships where they are expected to show up as full emotional partners with no training, no map, and no one pointing out the gap.

That doesn't mean the impact on you isn't real. It is. But "emotionally unavailable" as a fixed label tends to lead nowhere. "Undertaught" opens a door.

Swipe through for 5 signs that what you're dealing with is a skills gap.

And if you're in this pattern and ready to actually do something about it, reach out. This is exactly the work I do with couples. In person in Roseville, CA and online throughout California and Texas.

🔗 Full post on the blog.
www.audreylmft.com/blogs/what-it-actually-means-to-be-a-man

04/15/2026

When your partner says, “I don’t feel appreciated,” your brain immediately catalogues every single thing you’ve done this week to prove them wrong.

You make your case. You are thorough. Maybe even a little smug. And somehow… they are now more upset.

What happened? You prioritized the "objective" argument over your partner's subjective experience. In a relationship, their experience—how they feel and what they perceive—is the whole ballgame.

When you meet their hurt with "compassionate curiosity" instead of a list of your accomplishments, something shifts. Empathy is the key that unlocks their receptivity. Once they feel heard, they finally become capable of seeing all the ways you have been trying.

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/why-being-right-is-ruining-your-relationship-and-what-to-do-instead

04/10/2026

When my spouse would say he didn’t feel appreciated, my instinct was to list the 47 things I did that day. It didn’t work. It just created distance.

Now, I practice the "Relational Response." It sounds like this:

“I appreciate you telling me that. I want to understand why you’re feeling that way, because I feel like I have been showing you appreciation, but clearly something’s getting lost. What would help you feel more appreciated?”

Notice:
✅ I’m not admitting I’m "wrong."
✅ I’m not throwing out my own experience.
✅ I’m moving toward him instead of into a debate.

That is relational maturity.

Want to dive deeper into why objective reality has no place in your relationship?

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/why-being-right-is-ruining-your-relationship-and-what-to-do-instead

04/06/2026

Most couples walk into my office stuck in what Relational Life Therapy (RLT) calls an Objectivity Battle. It’s that exhausted cycle where both people are asserting their version of reality as the "correct" one.

The problem? Relationships don’t work like courtrooms.
You might have the "data" to prove you’ve been showing up.

You might have the receipts to show you’re doing your part. But being factually correct and being relationally effective are two different things. If your partner doesn't feel seen, your data doesn't matter.

The shift? Stop building your defense and start practicing compassionate curiosity.

Ready to stop winning the argument and start winning the connection? Read the latest blog post.

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/why-being-right-is-ruining-your-relationship-and-what-to-do-instead

03/31/2026

Two words that changed how I work with couples.

Radical responsibility.

It doesn't mean your feelings are wrong. It doesn't mean their behavior is okay. It means your reaction belongs to you — and you get to decide what you do with it.

That's not a small thing. That's everything.

Full post on what this looks like in practice.
https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/no-one-makes-you-feel-anything-and-why-thats-actually-good-news

03/28/2026

Your partner walks in the door and something is off.

They're short with you. Distracted. You say something, they barely respond.

Your brain immediately starts making up a story. Are they mad at me? Did I do something? Here we go again.

Two ways this goes from here:
You go cold. Or you come in hot.

And suddenly you're in a fight about the fight before anyone's figured out what the fight is actually about.

Radical responsibility looks like pausing on the story you made up — and getting curious instead. "Hey, you seem off. Long day?"

That's the whole move. Simple. And genuinely hard when you're already activated.

More on this in the new blog post.

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/no-one-makes-you-feel-anything-and-why-thats-actually-good-news

03/25/2026

Stop chasing happiness.

Seriously.

It's like chasing a high. You get there, it feels amazing, and then... crash.

You're back down, wondering what's wrong with you.

But nothing's wrong with you.

Happiness is a PEAK STATE. Biochemically temporary. You visit it. You don't live there.

And the more you chase it, the more exhausted you become. Because you're evaluating every moment: "Am I happy yet? How about now? What about now?"

Meanwhile, you're missing the point entirely.

The goal isn't constant happiness. It's building a baseline of contentment—that steady, grounded feeling that you can always return to.

From there, you can experience the full range of human emotion without getting lost in it.

You'll visit joy. You'll visit grief. And you'll keep coming home.

New post on the blog breaks down the neuroscience, the relationship dynamics, and how to actually build this baseline.

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/stop-chasing-happiness-why-contentment-is-your-real-baseline-and-how-to-get-back-there

03/23/2026

When was the last time you reacted to what actually happened versus the story you made up about what it meant?

Because most of the time in conflict, we're not reacting to our partner. We're reacting to our interpretation of our partner. The meaning we assigned in about half a second.

And sometimes that meaning is spot on. And sometimes it isn't. And either way it's still ours.

New post this week is all about what it means to take radical responsibility for that.

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/no-one-makes-you-feel-anything-and-why-thats-actually-good-news

03/19/2026

Your ambition is exhausting you. And it's not because you're not working hard enough.

I work with a lot of entrepreneurs and high-performers. People who've achieved what they set out to achieve—the business, the title, the income, the life they designed.

And they're miserable.

Not because they're ungrateful. Not because they "just need to choose joy."
Because they built their entire identity around chasing the next high. The next goal. The next milestone that will finally make them happy.

Except it doesn't. It never does.

Here's the problem: Happiness isn't sustainable. Your brain literally recalibrates within days of positive experiences. That big contract you closed? Feels normal by next week. The award you worked years for? Baseline by next month.

This is called hedonic adaptation. And it means you're on a treadmill that speeds up every time you think you've caught up.

So what's the alternative?

Stop chasing happiness at work. Start building contentment as your operating system.

Contentment isn't lowering your ambition. It's having steady ground under your feet so you can:
Make strategic decisions without emotional volatility
Handle failure without spiraling
Celebrate success without needing it to define you
Sustain effort over decades, not just quarters

The most successful people I work with aren't the happiest. They're the most content. They've learned to trust themselves through wins AND losses. They don't need external validation to know they're okay.

New piece on the blog unpacks the neuroscience behind why chasing happiness fails, what contentment actually looks like in practice, and how to build a foundation that doesn't require constant wins to feel stable.

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/stop-chasing-happiness-why-contentment-is-your-real-baseline-and-how-to-get-back-there

The goal isn't avoiding challenges or staying perpetually optimistic. It's learning to trust that you can weather anything and still find your way back to center.

That's what creates sustainable success.

03/12/2026

Chasing happiness is exhausting you.

And I'm not just talking about toxic positivity or "good vibes only" culture (though that's definitely part of it).

I'm talking about the biochemical reality that your brain literally cannot sustain constant happiness.

Happiness is a peak state. Temporary. Designed to reward you and then recalibrate.

Like climbing to the peak of the highest mountain. You don't live there. You can't.

Your actual baseline? It should be something much more sustainable: contentment.

Not resignation. Not settling. Just steady ground under your feet.

The ability to visit joy, grief, anger, peace—and trust that you can always find your way back to center.

That's the work. Not avoiding pain. Not forcing happiness. Building trust in your ability to weather any emotional experience and still come home to yourself.

My new blog post breaks down the neuroscience, the relational impact, and the practical steps to actually get there.

What would it look like if you stopped grading your days by happiness and started noticing contentment instead?

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/stop-chasing-happiness-why-contentment-is-your-real-baseline-and-how-to-get-back-there

03/03/2026

You're not broken for not being happy all the time.

But the self-help industry has made you feel like you are.

"Manifest your best life!"
"Choose joy!"
"Raise your vibration!"

All well-intentioned. All biochemically impossible to sustain.

Your brain is designed for adaptation, not constant bliss. Happiness is a temporary reward signal—it tells you "yes, this is good, keep doing this." Then it recalibrates.

This isn't a flaw. It's how you survive.

The problem isn't that you're not happy enough. The problem is you've been chasing the wrong thing.

Contentment—not happiness—should be your baseline. That steady, grounded feeling that says "I'm okay. I can handle this. I'll find my way back."

From there, you can visit all the other emotional states without losing yourself.

New blog post unpacks why chasing happiness is making you miserable (and what actually works instead).

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/stop-chasing-happiness-why-contentment-is-your-real-baseline-and-how-to-get-back-there

02/28/2026

Most people plan dinner, hope for intimacy later, come home full and exhausted, and then wonder why nothing happens.

The solution? Counterintuitive. Simple. And it actually works.

I broke down what I learned from Vanessa's approach (she's spent 20+ years helping couples with exactly this) and added my own clinical perspective using Relational Life Therapy principles.

If you're tired of date nights that feel like failed negotiations, this might be the shift you need.

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/why-sexual-intimacy-fades-in-long-term-relationships-and-what-actually-works-to-bring-it-back

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Roseville, CA

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http://www.AudreyLMFT.com/

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I treat couples and individuals who are seeking to gain insight and create lasting change. I provide practical, straightforward, and interactive approaches to navigating life's challenges blended with empathy and thoughtful objectivity. I particularly enjoy working with couples seeking to repair or strengthen their relationship or navigate life transitions, including poly/open relationships. I have special interest in working with first responder families. As a LEO wife, I have a deep understanding of the challenges associated with the lives of first responders and their families.

My integrative approach to therapy is founded on establishing a genuine, trusting relationship. With a focus on effective therapy, I seek what works. I am also comfortable delving into the darker realms of our human experience as well as welcoming the humor and joy that often arises in the celebration of self-discovery.

Let's create the life you want, the relationships you desire, and happiness you deserve together. I offer online video counseling to CA residents with daytime availability. As of October 2019 I have Monday and Wednesday daytime openings.