Audrey Schoen, LMFT

Audrey Schoen, LMFT California Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Online video counseling for clients in California.

Helping couples and adults gain insight and clarity to feel more grounded, improve communication and create connection in their relationships.

Chasing happiness is exhausting you.And I'm not just talking about toxic positivity or "good vibes only" culture (though...
03/12/2026

Chasing happiness is exhausting you.

And I'm not just talking about toxic positivity or "good vibes only" culture (though that's definitely part of it).

I'm talking about the biochemical reality that your brain literally cannot sustain constant happiness.

Happiness is a peak state. Temporary. Designed to reward you and then recalibrate.

Like climbing to the peak of the highest mountain. You don't live there. You can't.

Your actual baseline? It should be something much more sustainable: contentment.

Not resignation. Not settling. Just steady ground under your feet.

The ability to visit joy, grief, anger, peace—and trust that you can always find your way back to center.

That's the work. Not avoiding pain. Not forcing happiness. Building trust in your ability to weather any emotional experience and still come home to yourself.

My new blog post breaks down the neuroscience, the relational impact, and the practical steps to actually get there.

What would it look like if you stopped grading your days by happiness and started noticing contentment instead?

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/stop-chasing-happiness-why-contentment-is-your-real-baseline-and-how-to-get-back-there

You're not broken for not being happy all the time.But the self-help industry has made you feel like you are."Manifest y...
03/03/2026

You're not broken for not being happy all the time.

But the self-help industry has made you feel like you are.

"Manifest your best life!"
"Choose joy!"
"Raise your vibration!"

All well-intentioned. All biochemically impossible to sustain.

Your brain is designed for adaptation, not constant bliss. Happiness is a temporary reward signal—it tells you "yes, this is good, keep doing this." Then it recalibrates.

This isn't a flaw. It's how you survive.

The problem isn't that you're not happy enough. The problem is you've been chasing the wrong thing.

Contentment—not happiness—should be your baseline. That steady, grounded feeling that says "I'm okay. I can handle this. I'll find my way back."

From there, you can visit all the other emotional states without losing yourself.

New blog post unpacks why chasing happiness is making you miserable (and what actually works instead).

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/stop-chasing-happiness-why-contentment-is-your-real-baseline-and-how-to-get-back-there

Most people plan dinner, hope for intimacy later, come home full and exhausted, and then wonder why nothing happens.The ...
02/28/2026

Most people plan dinner, hope for intimacy later, come home full and exhausted, and then wonder why nothing happens.

The solution? Counterintuitive. Simple. And it actually works.

I broke down what I learned from Vanessa's approach (she's spent 20+ years helping couples with exactly this) and added my own clinical perspective using Relational Life Therapy principles.

If you're tired of date nights that feel like failed negotiations, this might be the shift you need.

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/why-sexual-intimacy-fades-in-long-term-relationships-and-what-actually-works-to-bring-it-back

"Learning to live relationally takes years—it's on par with learning to ski or play piano. But here's the good news: doi...
02/28/2026

"Learning to live relationally takes years—it's on par with learning to ski or play piano. But here's the good news: doing these strategies badly will still transform your life and your relationships. You can start doing them badly right now." - Terry Real

You don't have to be perfect.

You just have to try.

That's enough to change everything.

Cherishing means you actively appreciate your partner.You notice what's working.You express gratitude.You treat them lik...
02/27/2026

Cherishing means you actively appreciate your partner.

You notice what's working.

You express gratitude.

You treat them like someone precious.

Not because they're perfect. Because they're yours.

This isn't about grand gestures or gold stars.

It's about the accumulation of small moments where you demonstrate: you matter to me.

See 28 insights for building lasting appreciation and connection ⬇️

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/28-powerful-relational-life-therapy-insights-for-building-a-lasting-loving-relationship

Even when you disagree with 90% of what your partner is saying, find the 10% you can acknowledge. Then give it generousl...
02/26/2026

Even when you disagree with 90% of what your partner is saying, find the 10% you can acknowledge. Then give it generously.

"You know what? You're right. I have been distracted lately. I'm going to work on that."

Smart generosity nourishes the relationship, which ultimately nourishes you both.

When triggered, most people end up in one of four unhealthy quadrants based on boundaries and self-esteem:→ One-up & Bou...
02/25/2026

When triggered, most people end up in one of four unhealthy quadrants based on boundaries and self-esteem:

→ One-up & Boundaryless: Control and anger

→ One-up & Walled Off: Entitlement and distance

→ One-down & Boundaryless: People-pleasing and desperation

→ One-down & Walled Off: Depression and withdrawal

Health is in the center.

Balanced boundaries.

Balanced self-esteem.

That's the target.

Make your request clear, specific, and reasonable. Then release control over whether your partner says yes.You can't con...
02/24/2026

Make your request clear, specific, and reasonable. Then release control over whether your partner says yes.

You can't control the outcome. You can only control whether you ask skillfully and respect their response.

This is terrifying for the Adaptive Child. But it's the only way forward.

When you're triggered, your brain literally forgets the relationship.The part that remembers "we're an us" shuts down, a...
02/23/2026

When you're triggered, your brain literally forgets the relationship.

The part that remembers "we're an us" shuts down, and you go into survival mode where it's me versus you.

The work is learning to stay in "us consciousness" even when your nervous system is screaming "threat."

Breathe yourself down and remember love.

Learn how to turn survival mode into relationship growth ⬇️

https://www.audreylmft.com/blogs/28-powerful-relational-life-therapy-insights-for-building-a-lasting-loving-relationship

"We must always respect the exquisite intelligence of the adaptive child. You did exactly what you needed to do back the...
02/22/2026

"We must always respect the exquisite intelligence of the adaptive child. You did exactly what you needed to do back then."

Your survival strategies worked when you were a kid.

They kept you safe.

They helped you cope.

They're just not serving you anymore.

Time to thank them and let your Wise Adult take over.

"That wave of emotion—'I just gotta do this, I've gotta fix this person, I've gotta defend myself'—is your Adaptive Chil...
02/21/2026

"That wave of emotion—'I just gotta do this, I've gotta fix this person, I've gotta defend myself'—is your Adaptive Child taking over."

Notice it.

Name it.

Don't obey it.

Ask for 15-20 minutes.

Walk around the block.

Splash water on your face.

Don't go back into the conversation until you're centered in your Wise Adult.

"What could I do to help you feel better right now?"This is relational jiu-jitsu.When your partner is upset, chances are...
02/20/2026

"What could I do to help you feel better right now?"

This is relational jiu-jitsu.

When your partner is upset, chances are they aren't letting you know in the most effective or skillful way.

Don't argue or reason with them.

Don't oppose your partner when they're unhappy.

Duck under the wave and meet the resistance.

"I can see that you're upset, this matters a lot to you. What could I do to help you feel better right now?"

It's in your interest to help your partner feel better. You live with them.

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Roseville, CA

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I treat couples and individuals who are seeking to gain insight and create lasting change. I provide practical, straightforward, and interactive approaches to navigating life's challenges blended with empathy and thoughtful objectivity. I particularly enjoy working with couples seeking to repair or strengthen their relationship or navigate life transitions, including poly/open relationships. I have special interest in working with first responder families. As a LEO wife, I have a deep understanding of the challenges associated with the lives of first responders and their families.

My integrative approach to therapy is founded on establishing a genuine, trusting relationship. With a focus on effective therapy, I seek what works. I am also comfortable delving into the darker realms of our human experience as well as welcoming the humor and joy that often arises in the celebration of self-discovery. ​

Let's create the life you want, the relationships you desire, and happiness you deserve together. I offer online video counseling to CA residents with daytime availability. As of October 2019 I have Monday and Wednesday daytime openings.