12/01/2025
Happy December. I hope you all are well. This is a long read. Its been a hard couple of months. Grab a chair and some popcorn.
It's been a fat minute. I haven't even come back here in over like 2 months. I had over a month's worth of scheduled posts and just didn't come back. On Nov 1st, I posted (prescheduled) about all the big changes in my life and what plans I had going forward. All those are changing again. My boss, my work bestie, work wifey, the person I'd rather spend time with before anyone else (except hubby and kids) is leaving. 😩😠I have not taken it well. Its weird. And she's leaving leaving, like the state.
Now I find myself in a place to take that job. Technically I'm qualified, except one certificate, but am I really qualified???? Ya know? I've been nothing but stressed. And busy. But very worried about how my job is going to look going forward, whether I can take hers or not.
Excuses are like buttholes, everyone has them. As my husband got his new job I kept thinking how much easier it would be for me to eat healthy because I can eat the same basic thing over and over. And while thats true and I have. Its been FAR from healthy. I find Sundays are very hard for me, like crying hard. We usually go out to dinner before he leaves. Thats not good. At all. And then it goes down hill from there.
I also recently realized due to my unhealthy eating habits, I have high blood pressure. I'm sure my stress isn't helping, but like Dr. McDougall always said, it's the food. My highest reading was 147/87. What made me think to even check was unrelenting headaches and when I was sitting on the couch, I could see my pulse in my eyes. I dont know how to explain that last part. But I could see my vision shift with each beat of my heart. And I could feel it. And along with those symptoms I kept having this odd tingling in my right arm down to my hand.
That scared me. Well, not enough to make changes immediately. But enough to make some plans. Its weird to feel like you're paralyzed by fear but not enough to change the things causing the fear. The chronic pain is exhausting. The joint pain from my psoriatic arthritis is insane. Name a joint, it probably hurts. The best part? Is being back very close to my all time high weight. I was doing great. Losing weight, pain was gone, my sleep was great. Now I can't breathe and tie my fricking shoes at the same time. Stupid. Just stupid of me.
So I'm off to make a game plan. I've got to figure out how to make changes that last longer than 3 weeks to 2 months before I'm white knuckling it down the path of life. Telling myself no seems to be the place to start and the hardest. There are 31 days left of 2025. Back to square one. Back to home base.
Change is hard. Sometimes staying the same is harder.
While thinking of ways to hold myself accountable, I'm not sure if posting weights and measurements are helpful or harmful. I see a lot of people who publicly weigh in on video amd it seems to be working for them. I'm not sure I could do that. Im not even sure I can put my actual weight out there. But for sure, I am going to start posting what I eat. I have a collage app, I can put it all in there and post. The good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it. Sigh.
I honestly feel if I keep going down the road I'm on, I won't see 60. And that kind of scares me. A lot.
