FLY - First Love Yourself

During this time another type of ministry was offered to us to use during our retreat by Nikki Ann. I didn’t know anything about this type of ministry, and everything we used at this retreat had been given to the 3 of us, not just the one, so I was uncomfortable with just adding it to our retreat, without knowing about it. Meredith felt the same as I did, so I told Nikki Ann I would pray about this training and if it was a technique that God wanted us to use at His retreat, I would get the training to do so. When I prayed about this, I was immediately scolded; “you have already purchased one program that you have never used, what makes you think you should use something else.” I knew exactly what He was talking about, and I knew we did not follow through on a program He had given the 3 of us that summer we were writing His retreat. One afternoon the 3 of us were together in my home, looking for “healing” resources we could use for this retreat. We found a 52-week small group, healing workbook called; “Be Your Own Hero,” by Angela Shelton. Since we were using Angela Shelton’s documentary: “Searching for Angela Shelton,” all 3 of us felt like we had been guided to this workbook to use for our own personal use, and then have a good resource to pass along to the women to continue their own healing after the retreat. We ordered the workbook and committed to doing it. After week 2, I closed the workbook and I never looked at it again, and neither did Meredith or Nikki Ann. I knew this was exactly what God was talking about when He answered my prayer, and I immediately repented, told Meredith and Nikki Ann the answer I received, and I was going to immediately start a small group and do the Angela Shelton workbook and I really wanted them to join me. Nikki Ann dropped out of the retreat. I believe she felt that God was calling her to this other training and she needed to follow that. I started a small group right away and again after two weeks I just didn’t think I could do it. I couldn’t figure out how I could do these lessons once a week, dredge up things I could not even remember, be sad and then go to work every day. I had spent my entire life “pretending” nothing was wrong with me, when deep down to my core I was convinced I was bad. I just didn’t know how I was going to get through this for an entire year. I am so grateful for the times of devastation in my life, that put me on my knees praying for answers and relief. This pattern has guided me to so many miracles because I learned to depend on Him, and I learned how He communicates with me and I now easily recognize it, understand it and no longer doubt that it is from Him. So, I did what I knew would work, I prayed. I told my Heavenly Father that I needed something “fun” to do for the next year, that would help me get through this year of facing my fears and looking at what the effects of abuse had cost me. I told Him, I could not be in this dark, sad place for a year, without something “fun’ to “counter-act” the sadness. The very next day a friend of mine told me she was doing something fun that she had never done before. I asked her what it was, and she told me she had signed up for an on-line art class with Kelly Rae Roberts. I was familiar with KRR, in fact I had some of her art work in my home, and I had looked at that art class previously and immediately dismissed it for these reasons; it was $300.00, and I didn’t have that kind of $, I am not an artist, I don’t know how to draw a stick man and I can’t even match colors. So, no, doing an art class was not what I was looking for. This nagged at me ALL day! I got home from work, looked up the art class again, and the class was on SALE for $99 and the sale ended at midnight that night! Well, I signed up!!!!!! I told Carl, he thought I was a little crazy, an art class? – OK. He took me to buy the supplies on the list, and we spent $200. I told him we shouldn’t spend so much money, because I really didn’t believe I would learn how to do art. He told me to just do it because I really didn’t know. The first class went live on a Tuesday, and I could not wait to get home from work and take the class. The first class was a journal lesson. I had a quiet home to myself, and this journal lesson so healed my heart in that moment I was amazed. I was ecstatic – over-joyed. The very first lesson, even though it was not art, paralleled EXACTLY what my heart needed to understand why I needed to go through the Angela Shelton workbook. I was blown away. I think I read and re-read what I wrote in that journal 10 times before Carl came home. I wrote to myself such healing words. When Carl got home, he said; how was your first art class? I told him it was amazing, over the top – better than I could have ever imagined. His next question; “what did you paint?” My answer; “we didn’t, it was a journal lesson.” “A Journal Lesson? What kind of art class is this?” I laughed and told him I believed she was just trying to get us out of our heads and into our hearts to prepare us to paint, and it was the best journal lesson I had ever had, I was amazed, it was exactly what my heart needed, and I couldn’t wait for the next one. He was very happy for me. Several months later, 10 – 15 canvas boards that I was 100% sure were too ugly to show or post, the class was over, and I said to Carl; “so, guess what I learned?” What? “I am really up-tight.” Carl was so kind and said; “well, not all the time.” Hahaha – I replied back to him; “no, no, no, you don’t have to be nice to me, because I had no idea, I am so uptight. How could I not know that?” I told this to my friend Meredith, and she smiled and said; “here is what you need to do. The next time Dalton, (my then 3-year-old grandson), comes over, paint with him. And when you paint with him, just watch how he does it. And when you see how he paints, you do the same.” What a great idea, and very soon Dalton was in my home and we had an afternoon of painting. I saw what I needed to see, to help me “let go.” He didn’t care what color he chose, he just wanted to put it on the canvas. He didn’t care if it was even or uneven or what direction the paint went in, he just LOVED putting it on the canvas. And when we got out the sq**rt bottles……. More fun, more experiments, more wonder and more freedom. I learned more from that afternoon with Dalton, than I had learned in all of the on-line classes with KRR. And I learned I wanted to do art forever……. Dalton’s art from that day is still inspiration hanging on my wall in my “art studio.”

So that year, I did art and I did my Angela Shelton workbook. It was a hard year for me, getting through that workbook. And in all honesty, I have not finished it 100%. To finish, to completely remove my “Sword of Trauma,” I am supposed to write my story. I haven’t been able to do that yet. This is my first attempt to write some of it, even though I have left a LOT out, I am excited this is a start, and I am grateful that yet again, through art, I have been given a chance to write my story and continue my amazing Journey to Healing as I learn how to F.L.Y. (First Love Yourself.) I also took another on-line art class with Laly Mille, and I learned so much about letting go from her. She taught me to believe in myself in ways I had not considered, and she taught me how to see “light” for the first time, and how to just let go and experiment with everything. I continue to learn from her and other on-line artists I have found, and I am making art a part of my life every day. It is ART that got me through a very difficult journey and it is art that I now use to help other women through their journey as I have brought some of my art to our retreats. God knows that Art Heals our Hearts and I am so grateful He taught me that. I know He wants others to experience the same kind of healing. Our Creator knows how healing it is to create! I love this quote; “How do we move information from our head to our heart? How do we take what we know and make it a practice in our lives? The answer is ~ through our hands. Through creativity.” ~Brene Brown. God taught me this truth, Brene put it into words for me.

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