07/08/2020
Fear of something bad happening in the future is one of the things that make us human. Fear is our safety net, some might say, is necessary … it stops us from doing something stupid. But I’ve found most of these fears to be unnecessary, to be baseless, to be holding us back from achieving something.
Fear controlled much of my life as a child and throughout my early adulthood. I held myself back from being my true self, instead I slowly mold myself into other people’s expectations and doing so I lost myself along the way. Suppressed by my own fears and regrets while flowing through life feeling like an imposter because I wasn’t be truthful with myself.
Fear prevented me from leaving a hopeless marriage, which was built on lies, betrayal and resentment. Fearing the unknown made me give into mediocrity, unhappiness, settling for low-level pain and dissatisfaction. From the outside, my life looked great. Some would say that I had a good life - a home owner, nice cars , two beautiful kids, two dogs and a great job that I loved. Yet I was dying slowly inside - feeling unmotivated and dissatisfied.
I didn’t stick to habits because I didn’t really believe I had the discipline. I didn’t assert myself in the workplace, because I was worried about being rejected. I didn’t start my own business, because I was scared that I would fail. I buried any thoughts of pursuing my dreams all because I didn’t have the courage.
This journey has seen me completely change the course of my life, cutting out toxic relationships, a few times, and start to follow my true passion and purpose. I started to set intentions and taking more risks and being opened to accepting the unsettling changes and chaos of life... this one is really hard for me but it’s a work in progress.
Looking back on all that I’ve listed above, I was able to accomplish all these things - I’ve changed my eating habits and stuck to my fitness journey for almost 10 years, I’ve worked my way up to becoming a Marketing Manager at my company where I began as a Jr. Web Designer, followed my passion and overcame my fears of public speaking, started with my business partner, Mike Shmockey, all this, while I was dealing with a messy divorce (5 years ago), helping my kids cope with the harsh reality of life, sickness in the family, and grieving over the tragic loss of my boyfriend last year.
I’ve had several set backs along the way and I have no doubt I will have many more but I’m not giving up. This journey has shown me that breaking points are crucial and necessary because they are also the making of breakthrough moments.
I’m not suggesting that my fears no longer exist within me because they certainly do and, I don’t think they will ever go away but now that I am aware of my true strength, they no longer have a strangle hold on my life. Instead, I have a hold on how they can or cannot affect me.
