Faith Deeter Get All Your Relationships Right

Home
United States
Santa Ynez, CA
Faith Deeter Get All Your Relationships Right

Master all of your relationships. What are natural principles? Natural principles come from nature and have been a part of our makeup from the beginning of time.

No matter what type of relationship you’re in, whether it’s parent/child, romantic, or work-related, your relationship is governed by natural principles because, YOU are governed by natural principles and so is everyone else. Similar to instincts, these principles tend to govern the way human beings behave. They are underlying factors as to why we feel happy, fulfilled, anxious, or lonely. By understanding what is natural for a person, you can work in harmony with them. When we don’t understand what is natural, we are more likely to make mistakes. For almost twenty years, people have been coming to me when they need help. They come when their spouse is leaving them, when their kids won’t listen, or when they are unhappy in their life and need a change. The way I help every person is unique to their situation, but the paradigm I use is always the same. I use Natural Principles. It is my hope that by sharing these principles with you, you will have a road map that can keep your relationships strong as well as guide you in knowing what to adjust when you run into trouble.

09/08/2025

For a long time, I didn’t see that. I was so focused on other people — what they thought, how they felt, how they responded — that I couldn’t see myself.
I thought I was the one trying hardest, the “good” one — the one who cared more, worked more, gave more. But underneath all of that effort was fear.
I was trying to control my environment, and the people in it, so I could feel safe. I didn’t realize how controlling that made me.
I tied my well-being to what someone else did or didn’t do. I interpreted their actions as being about me, instead of understanding that other people’s behavior is always about them. I wasn’t being healthy on my side of the relationship — I was being co-dependent.
It set me up for people pleasing, for trying to be who I thought someone else wanted. That led to a strange kind of dishonesty — not lying, but not fully being myself either. I was guessing. Assuming. Especially assuming about them and their motives..Trying to predict their next move like a game of emotional chess. Maybe you can relate?
And what got lost was the moment. The joy of simply being with someone — with all of their thoughts and feelings intact. The ease of connection when you’re not performing or positioning. Just being yourself.
Release came when I stopped tying my value to how someone else felt about me. I realized this way of being wasn’t just controlling — it was condescending. I was robbing the other person of the freedom to be fully themselves too — to have whatever response to me they needed to have. My job wasn’t to control. My job was to show up well — and let the rest be.
I started learning healthy tools — how to be emotionally honest, how to ask for what I wanted, knowing I wouldn’t always get it but being brave enough to ask. I learned to set boundaries, not to threaten or punish, but to stay in integrity with myself. And I took responsibility for my own emotions — that being happy or miserable was up to me, not anyone else.

09/07/2025

Apologies matter. They can open the door to healing, soften anger, and show humility. But here’s the truth: words alone don’t rebuild trust — especially if the same pattern keeps repeating. Talk is cheap, and an apology isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card.
What builds trust faster than apologies? Change.
You can say “I’m sorry” with complete sincerity — but if you repeat the same behavior again, it won’t feel like you were sorry at all.
Trust doesn’t hinge on one moment and it isn’t built on words alone. It grows when your actions consistently match your words - what I call Alignment. It’s the follow-through that helps rebuild trust again.
Research from the Gottman Institute confirms this: trust is built (or eroded) in the small, everyday interactions that either reinforce safety or chip away at it. Reliability, not perfection, is what strengthens relationships over time.
Apologies begin the repair process, but steady, reliable change is what makes trust real.
So by all means, if you truly ARE sorry, say it. Mean it. But then let your next hundred small actions prove it.
✨ What’s one habit you could shift today — to show someone you really meant what you said?

09/06/2025

The saying that comes from horsemanship is actually: “Make the wrong thing hard and the right thing easy.”
But here’s the thing—it isn’t about right and wrong. It’s about getting more of behaviors that we do want and less of behaviors that we don’t want. And in order to do that, it’s actually not about the behavior itself.
It’s really about willingness versus resistance. To get more of what you want, aim for more willingness and less resistance.
When someone is willing, things feel lighter.
When they’re bracing, things can feel heavy or complicated.
Think about your relationships.
Ever feel like you’re pushing and pushing, and it’s still hard?
Could you be making it harder than it needs to be by asking for too much at once?
Horses make this lesson obvious.
If you ask for something big and your horse feels overwhelmed, they’ll hesitate.
But if you break it down, one small step at a time so it’s easier, they can find a “yes.”
The “wrong” thing (hesitation) naturally becomes the harder choice.
The “right” thing (stepping forward) feels simple.
People are similar.
When tasks or conversations feel too big, too heavy, it’s natural to shut down.
But when we make the steps small and doable, willingness grows.
Ask yourself:
Am I making what I want easy?
Am I breaking it down so the next step feels possible?
Or am I accidentally asking for a leap that feels impossible?
If a relationship feels hard, you don’t have to push harder.
You might just need to make it easier to say yes.
What’s one thing you could simplify today—so connection becomes the easier choice?

09/05/2025

It’s one of the most common — and most discouraging — beliefs in relationships. When someone repeats the same behavior, it’s easy to assume they’ll never change. So we may stop asking, or quietly lose trust.
But the truth is: people do change.
The nervous system is constantly adapting. The brain remains flexible through neuroplasticity, which means thoughts, habits, and relational patterns can shift with the right input and repetition. Research from Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck shows that people with a growth mindset — those who believe change is possible — are far more likely to make lasting improvements, especially in communication, emotional regulation, and relationships.
And here’s the paradox:
People are least likely to change when you try to make them.
They’re most likely to change when they feel accepted and valued as they are.
Criticism and pressure trigger defense, but support and respect activate the natural drive to succeed. Encouragement isn’t passive — it’s powerful. It creates a space where change feels possible, and repair can begin.
You can’t control someone else’s growth, but you can influence the environment — and take the first step toward repairing the relationship by changing how you show up. Because healthy relationship skills are learnable, and small shifts can open the door to big changes.
If you’re ready to learn the step-by-step skills to make repair and break the cycle of conflict, start here: faithdeeter.com/courses/neverfightagain

09/04/2025

Saying no can feel like a risk.
What if they get upset?
What if they pull away?
What if they think I don’t care?
So instead, you say yes… when you mean no.
You go along to get along.
You overextend, overgive, and slowly — disappear.
But here’s the truth:
Saying yes when you mean no doesn’t create closeness. It creates resentment — and distance. And then most people who do it, blame the other person for it!
The people who really care about you? They want the real you — not the version that says yes out of guilt or fear.
Here’s how to say no without pushing people away:
1. Know that “no” can be kind.
You don’t have to be harsh to be clear. Saying no calmly, with respect, is a gift. It lets people trust your yes.
2. Say what you can offer.
If you’re not available for one thing, maybe there’s something else that feels good to give.
“I can’t do dinner, but I’d love to talk later this week.”
3. Don’t over-explain.
Long defenses often sound like excuses — and they can make things feel less honest, not more.
Keep it simple. Keep it direct. People tend to feel better with less, not more.
“That’s not going to work for me right now.”
“Thanks for thinking of me — I’ll have to pass.”
And here’s something really important: When you honor your no, your yes becomes meaningful.
People feel safer with someone who means what they say — and says what they mean.
What’s one situation where you wish you’d said no — or are learning to?

09/03/2025

Avoiding conflict might keep things calm on the surface — but underneath, resentment builds.
Unspoken truths don’t disappear. They just create space. And not the good kind.
You might feel proud of yourself for staying quiet, keeping the peace, not rocking the boat.
But if you’re always walking on eggshells, is it really peace — or just tension in disguise?
Conflict isn’t the enemy. Poor conflict skills are.
Handled badly, conflict can hurt trust. But handled well, it can deepen it.
When you know how to stay grounded, speak clearly, and stay connected — even through disagreement — conflict becomes a turning point.
It reveals what matters. It builds respect. It brings people closer.
Do you tend to avoid conflict — or face it head-on?
Just drop one word below: avoid or face.

09/02/2025

📣 NEW COURSE: Never Fight Again
What if conflict didn’t have to tear you apart — but could actually bring you closer?
Most people were never taught how to resolve disagreements in a healthy way. So we yell. Or shut down. Or give in…
It doesn’t have to be that way.
In my self-study course Never Fight Again, I’ll show you exactly how to:
✅ Stay calm during conflict
✅ Be heard without fighting
✅ Repair trust after an argument
✅ Set boundaries without guilt
✅ And finally feel safe and respected in your relationship
This isn’t talk therapy. It’s a practical, step-by-step process based on what I’ve taught for 25+ years as a licensed marriage and family therapist.
You go at your own pace. And you don’t have to wait for the other person to change.
Real peace starts with new skills. And you can learn them.
14 videos
💻 Enroll now and get instant access: https://f.mtr.cool/zkjalcosma

09/01/2025

Actually… there were two.
One with my boyfriend — who’s now my husband.
And one with my horse.

In both relationships, I was struggling.
My horse was high-spirited and anxious.
People said she was “crazy” and that I should get a different horse.

My boyfriend?
He was raised by a single parent. So was I.
Neither of us had great tools.

We cared about each other, but we didn’t know how to make it work.
And I started to doubt myself.
I didn’t want to give up.
But I didn’t know what else to do.

Then something shifted.
I started learning Natural Horsemanship.
At first, it was just about my horse.
But the principles applied to everything.

I learned how to slow down.
How to build trust.
How to stay closer to the comfort zone so the relationship felt good — instead of intense.
And I saw the same patterns in my personal life.

I realized my boyfriend didn’t need more pressure — he needed more safety.
And I needed to be less critical.
I had no idea how judgmental I’d become until I learned the difference between being precise… and being harsh.

So I started doing something new with my horses and with the people in my life:
Noticing the small tries.
Rewarding effort.
Building from what was working instead of pointing out what wasn’t.
Everything improved.

Now I’ve been happily married for over a decade.
And with my horse?
We’re working on bridleless riding — something I once thought was only possible for “other” people yet here we are.
I see a lot of advice online that says, “Just leave.”
And sometimes, that is the right choice.
But sometimes… it’s not.

Sometimes what’s needed is learning.
New tools. New awareness. New habits.
When you change your part, the whole relationship shifts — or you finally have the clarity and confidence to choose something better.

Have you ever hit a turning point in a relationship? What helped you through?

08/31/2025

When someone gets angry, it’s tempting to believe that’s all they are in that moment — just angry. But anger is rarely a solo traveler. It usually comes as a hitchhiker.
More often than not, a person is:
Angry and sad.
Angry and scared.
Angry and feeling powerless (frustration).
Think of anger as the surface emotion — the one that shows up first because it feels safer, stronger, or more familiar than the vulnerable feelings underneath.
For many people, anger was modeled or deemed more socially acceptable while sadness or fear was discouraged. Maybe they were told, “Don’t cry” or “Don’t be scared” growing up — especially if they were boys. Over time, anger may become the “acceptable” way to show distress. But the truth is, for both men and women, under almost every angry outburst there’s another emotion longing to be seen.
This doesn’t mean excusing hurtful or dangerous behavior. Absolutely not. But understanding that anger is often a hitchhiker riding on top of a deeper, more authentic emotion can helps us respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness - maybe even empathy. Instead of thinking, “What’s wrong with them?” we might ask, “What are they actually carrying underneath?”
In horsemanship, a horse that spooks or rears isn’t mad. They’re usually scared, confused, or overwhelmed. When you address the real emotion — the deeper more authentic one— the behavior often resolves
People aren’t so different.
So, the next time anger shows up, remember: it may just be the hitchhiker — not the driver. You might ask, “Are you sad? Are you scared? Do you feel powerless?” You may be surprised at the answer.

08/30/2025

We all want results—the clean room, the big apology, the breakthrough moment. But if you only reward the end result, you miss the most important part: the process of trying.
Think about the people in your life. Your child learning responsibility. Your partner working on patience. A coworker trying to get more done. Do you notice their effort? Do you acknowledge it?
One of the best rewards you can give isn't money or gifts. It’s praise. It’s acknowledgement. It's saying, "I see your effort, and it matters."
This is where Ray Hunt's wisdom shines:
"Reward the smallest try, the slightest try, the try you think you see."
That quote applies to every relationship—horses, kids, partners, friends. Here's why:
Effort grows when it's acknowledged.
Motivation builds when people feel seen.
Trust deepens when mistakes aren't the only thing noticed.
Horses teach this beautifully. If you wait for perfection, you can create stress. But when you notice the flick of an ear, the smallest step forward—the try you think you see—the horse relaxes. What used to feel like work becomes willing partnership.
People are no different. I've seen this with executives, inmates, people in recovery. The principle holds: when someone feels valued for even the smallest effort, their willingness to try again grows.
The smallest effort is the seed. Praise is the water.
Who in your life needs encouragement for the little things they're working on? What might happen if you acknowledge them more often?

08/29/2025

Sometimes it seems like the other person has all the power — especially if they’re louder, more reactive, or emotionally distant. You might feel invisible, like nothing you say or do makes a difference. But the truth is, your presence is always having an impact.
Your tone.
Your reactions.
Your body language.
Even your silence — they all send signals.
And whether people are aware of it or not, their nervous system is picking up those signals. That’s the power of emotional presence. We’re constantly influencing each other, whether we mean to or not.
The question is — how are you influencing the space around you?
When you start to understand that your presence is powerful, your confidence grows. You stop feeling powerless. You realize that by shifting how you show up — even slightly — you can shift the emotional tone of a conversation, create more safety, reduce tension, or invite someone to meet you differently.
And with each choice to speak calmly, set a boundary, or stand in your truth, your self-esteem strengthens. Not because you’re getting someone else to do something — but because you’re showing up in a way that you feel proud of.
You're already shaping the relationship. Learn to do it in ways that strengthen connection instead of strain it.
What’s one quality you’re proud to bring into your relationships — and one you’d love to grow more of?

08/28/2025

If you feel bad every time you set a boundary, you're not alone.
Many people were taught—directly or indirectly—that their role is to keep others happy-that love means being agreeable and that your peace depends on someone else’s mood.
So when you finally say, “I can’t do that,” or “That doesn’t work for me,” it can feel… wrong.
But here’s the truth:
If your well-being depends on how someone else feels, that’s not love — that’s codependence.
Healthy relationships aren’t built on guilt or self-sacrifice. They’re built on authenticity and mutual respect.
Here’s how to start setting boundaries without drowning in guilt:
1. Shift your mindset.
A boundary is not a punishment. It’s a clarification. It helps people know what’s okay with you and what’s not. That’s not selfish — it’s kind.
2. Expect discomfort, not disaster.
When you first start setting limits, it might feel awkward. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong — it means it’s new.
3. Keep it simple and calm.
You don’t need to over-explain or apologize for your needs. A clear, courteous statement is enough:
“I’m not available for that.”
“That doesn’t feel good to me.”
“That doesn’t work for me. How about we try something else?”
Boundaries don’t damage relationships. They keep them authentic.
You may be surprised that, as long as delivered in a courteous way, people will actually appreciate your directness. It creates clarity, builds trust, and earns respect.
What’s one small boundary you could practice this week — just to honor your own peace?

Address

Santa Ynez, CA

Website

https://faithdeeter.com/

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Faith Deeter Get All Your Relationships Right posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Shortcuts

Want your practice to be the top-listed Clinic in Santa Ynez?