Restful Insomnia

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Restful Insomnia

www.restfulinsomnia.com
http://twitter.com/RestfulInsomnia I developed the 7 Pathways to Rest during an intense long bout of chronic insomnia.

I help people struggling with sleep issues and stress get the rest they need and heal what's underneath. They help you change your relationship with sleep, your environment, body, mind, emotions, and more... so you can deeply rest and welcome sleep. Connect with me for coaching about your nights and days, a free consultation, and/or my book, Restful Insomnia. Learn more at www.restfulinsomnia.com for updates, blog posts and to sign up for my PDF and audio, Your First Steps to Deeper Rest. Wishing you the best!

10/28/2024

In the bumpy road of life, I often find this simple tool helps me reset my nervous system, and feel less alone. Learn more in my attached blog post.

07/16/2024

Do you ever feel you've been up all night?

We don't sleep with half our brains (like dolphins, frigates, whales do). But when clients complained they hadn't sleep all night, I suspected they actually got more rest than they thought.

It's true: Participants who felt they weren't sleeping actually experienced a high-frequency almost wake-like brain activity in a small part of their brain, while the other 95 percent of their brain rested. Researchers discovered this by using over 200 electrode connections, vs. the usual handful.

Read more in the link in the comments. Happy rest!

04/03/2024

“True healing is not a state where we become liberated from feeling… [instead we’re] freer and flexible to experience it more fully.

"When we experience our suffering consciously, it reveals sacredness and beauty we might not expect. Healing will always surprise us.” ~ Matt Licata

I wrote about the paradox of healing and sleep (wanting to be better over there keeps you distressed right here). Instead you can find pathways to rest and healing in the moment when you feel held by the earth and connect to your body with empathy. (See more in comments.)

07/20/2023

Picture this: One of your body’s organs is spasming. It’s spewing mucus, hurting, and giving you chills, fever, and aches. You’d be anxiously at urgent care in a hot minute, right?

Except what if it’s a cold? Your lungs and body are just doing their job: trying to encase and eliminate the virus that caught you unawares.

It’s easier to tolerate colds because you know their expected course. While your brain and body might stress over what you can’t get done, you trust you’ll be back on course in a week or so.

Unknown illnesses are more unsettling. Many of my clients mention dark nights when a new unknown symptom/ fear spirals them into a morass of deep worries about their lives and the future.

I watched myself in the illness journey a few weeks ago, going from the no big deal annoyance of a cold to the scary land of What IF!!?? when it continued longer than expected. (I’m fine now.)

It’s a deeper struggle for some of my clients and those I care about. For some, they may feel the trauma of an uncertain diagnosis like cancer or long Covid.

For others, the struggle is symbolic, reflecting something deeper: a change of identity as children launch; isolation from lack of community or spiritual life; intergenerational parental fear of illness years before; uncertainty about direction of their own life.

I honor these fears, whether they’re from a scary medical journey or reflection of something else.

While a simple resting tool won’t cure the underlying fear, I’m sharing some ways that might help redirect energy away from despairing panic. Perhaps some of your stress might release, your body can rest for a nano second, or you might have a sense you’re not going through it all alone.

* Pay attention to where the anxiety shows up in your body. Maybe your stomach is knitted into a knot, your shoulders are up at your ears, or you’re barely exhaling.
It takes courage to soothe your body when it feels that being on high alert is critical. Still, perhaps you can put a hand on your belly, roll your shoulders, or take a slightly longer exhale. You can access many more resources when your body isn’t as contracted.

* Notice (kindly, gently, and for just moments) if another feeling accompanies the anxiety. Maybe you feel sad about all you might miss out on, or angry at doctors who didn’t treat you well. Let your body express a bit of that grief or anger with your imagination.

See yourself in a safe place. (If you’re a trekkie, a holodeck; or a natural scene remembered or imagined.) Imagine yourself crying or yelling, maybe running or fighting if that feels safe. Notice any shifts in your body as you release inner grief or anger. The purpose is to go slowly—not to ramp up into a different spiral. Instead be curious if another emotion needs attention and care. No need to fix anything, just allow your multi-layered self to shift.

* Allow uncertainty. When you’re waiting to hear from the doctor about your blood tests, it’s easy to imagine the worst “what-if.” Our minds like story arcs and sometimes you get a case of internetitis—my name for symptom doom-scrolling.

Instead, allow the discomfort of uncertainty. Right now, you don’t know. Uncomfortable, and also okay.

* You can also imagine resources holding you. Can you feel the bark of your favorite tree? Perhaps the smell, sound, and touch of your happy spot in nature. Experiencing how those who love you care for you. Noticing what’s bigger than you—the miracle of nature, a higher power, the Divine. Perhaps you can express both appreciation and ask for help and support.

As always, I’m happy to hear if you use these tools, how it goes for you.

Your emotional, physical, and spiritual journeys may be sad, joyous, maddening, loss-filled, uncertain, a door opening. Let the destinations unfold in their time, as best you can. And be kind to yourself no matter how you travel.

07/17/2023

Working on yourself, as you probably know, has many benefits: better/ clearer relationships with yourself, with those you love (or have to put up with), clearer sense of social justice, more connections with what’s beyond you through the earth and spiritually.

However for some of us (present company not excepted), you can overly focus on healing so much you live in “woundology,” as Carolyn Myss calls it: “Becoming overly identified with our emotional wounds, so that it’s hard to heal and move on.”

Where does woundology come from?
You may, like me, have experienced denial growing up. Even though you heard everything was “just fine” or that your feelings weren’t worth paying attention to, you know that’s not the truth. Looking at wounds such as these soothes your emotionally neglected inner child.

However, when that becomes a key part of your identity, it can be helpful to remember that’s not the whole picture. You can both gently and compassionately tend to your wounds, AND remember the inner layer that knows you’re more than that.

No big deal
Pema Chodron, Buddhist teacher, author, and nun, shares the helpful aspect of remembering it’s “no big deal.” Here’s what she says in her book, How to Meditate:

Generally speaking, the human species does make things a very big deal. Our problems are a big deal for us. We need to make space for an attitude of honoring things completely and at the same time not making them a big deal.

It’s a paradoxical idea, but holding these two attitudes simultaneously is the source of enormous joy: we hold a sense of respect toward all things, along with the ability to let go. So it’s about not belittling things, but on the other hand not fanning the fire until you have your own private World War III.

Keeping these ideas in balance allows us to feel less crowded and claustrophobic. In Buddhist terms, the space that opens here is referred to as shunyata….

Sometimes the word shunyata has been translated as the “open dimension of our being.” The most popular definition is “emptiness,” which sounds like a big hole that somebody pushes you into, kicking and screaming: “No, no! Not emptiness!”

But there’s nothing nihilistic about this emptiness. It’s basically just a feeling of lightness, the Bearable Lightness of Being. Shunyata refers to the fact that we actually have a seed of spaciousness, of freshness, openness, relaxation, in us.

Focus on the layer of openness
Try this reflection to play with the shift between big deal and not. Imagine that you are one of those Russian nested dolls, but each is a cloud made of a different color.

Your grey outer cloud may be chattering up a storm about problems, worries, or wounds. That’s fine!

Let your attention shift to the inner clear (or blue or other color) cloud that is also there. Maybe you experience it as kindness, awareness, emptiness, or just presence that allows you to also be. Even if you just feel the smallest particle– just a quark of shunyata — or you’re even just open to find it, it’s all good.

You’re allowing yourself more space to experience yourself and life. More space means less density and tension, more relaxation to bring all of yourself into play.

Happy “emptiness.”

05/24/2023

So many people feel great after a good cry—do you? Crying can release endorphins, which eases pain and stress in the body and emotions.

For a long time, I wasn’t able to cry very easily. I would feel sad for days, but couldn't flip the grief switch to get the tears out. Mental chatter (why are you crying, it’s not that bad, stop it...) froze melancholy just below my throat.

But on Mothers Day, I changed how I relate to my mental chatter. I heard that my “other” mother died and was flooded by the depth of my appreciation for her.

Arline was the mom of one of my neighborhood friends growing up. Visiting her house, I saw another way to have a family, one with attention and without rage. A decade later, when I was going through a tough time in college, Arline offered unspeakable support, helping me move beyond deep anxiety into young adult life—I’m not sure I’d be here without her. Even in her old age with repetitive Alzheimer’s stories, her joy was a model for being human.

After I heard the news of her death, even with a flood of appreciation and grief, I still had a mental block in my throat. My mind kept telling me how I shouldn’t cry, she wasn’t my real mother, etc. etc. Just stop, it repeated on an endless loop.

~~So I decided to disconnect.~~

Most of us know how easy it is to disconnect from the body when the mind is shouting orders. We might try to convince the mind to let the body express itself. Or we hope the mind will finally subside so the body has some breathing room.

There was no space for me with my mind’s proverbial drill sergeant. It wanted none of that wimpy crying.

I knew deep down though, that my body was right. So I let the sorrow arise out of my belly and heart, and kind of pretended to cry.

How to describe this? I was being my body’s support and cheerleader, turning my focus away from the LOUD drill sergeant to release what the body needed to do.

After a few sobs that were both pretend and real (in some weird way), I could feel that awkward panting breath you get when you really cry. My body felt some release. Finally, the Sergeant said something like, well, I guess it’s okay that you cried. My body had room for more natural tears until it was done.

~~Changing your mind-body battle~~

Maybe you’re a full-on good crier, and this seems ridiculous for you. Hurray!

But if you ever feel that mind-body battle, let yourself feel foolish. Act as if your mind doesn’t really know what it’s talking about, and listen to your gut for a while. I know, the sergeant sound track can be annoyingly persistent. But it will likely get the message, even for just a moment or two.

You’re practicing how to steer a different neural-pathway track. One where your body’s wisdom, grief, silliness, quietude, creativity, and connection lead you to moments of healing, and real life.

04/27/2023

As a sleep coach, I find there’s always more to uncover about rest. It might be daydreaming, relaxing before sleep, listening to podcasts, reading books. Or as Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey says, we fight back against grind culture by resting one moment at a time.
In her book and as creator of the Nap Ministry, Tricia powerfully describes how rest is a tool for healing—not just the self, but dismantling our society’s oppressive culture.
Tricia puts into words the deep, profound power of rest. She names the truth of how we’re caught in the clutches of impossible, machine-like productivity, which erodes our ability to let ourselves rest.
I highlighted so many sections of her book, I almost couldn’t export them all from my ebook. What can I say? I liked it. Here are a few of the quotes that resonated most with me:
The profound power of rest:
“Rest is a meticulous love practice.”
The grind culture’s impact on rest
“Grind culture has made us all human machines, willing and ready to donate our lives to a capitalist system that thrives by placing profits over people.”
“To be colonized is to accept and buy into the lie of our worth being connected to how much we get done. Keep repeating to yourself: ‘I am enough now.’”
Rest and Black liberation
“Black people’s… bodies were America’s first capital, and our rest and DreamSpace are stolen constantly…. We must rest like our lives depend on it, because it does.”
Radical power of rest changes the grind culture
“We are resting not to do more and to come back stronger and more productive for a capitalist system.”
“We internalize the toxic messages… and begin to hate ourselves unless we are accomplishing a task. We seek external validation from a violent system void of love. Dreaming and creating the space to dream is the remedy and cure.”
Wisdom of our bodies
“There is massive knowledge and wisdom lying dormant in our exhausted and weary bodies and hearts.”
“Rest is somatic work—connecting your body and mind. Rest is anything that [helps you] connect with your body and mind.”
Social media keeps us from rest
“The digital world and social media are places of connection for many, and also are places of toxicity, disconnection, and exhaustion…. Live into the nuance and be hyper-aware of the energy and time we use for it…. If you are not very intentional about detoxing regularly from it, I believe deep and connected rest will be impossible.”
Resting during the day
“Resting can look like: Closing your eyes for ten minutes…. Daydreaming by staring out of a window… Slow dancing with yourself to slow music…. A Sun Salutation…. Praying…. Crafting a small altar…. Taking regular breaks from social media…. A meditative walk in nature…. Knitting, crocheting, sewing, and quilting…. Laughing intensely.”
Divine power of rest
“We have been trained to believe that everything we accomplish is because of our own pushing alone. This is false because there is a spiritual dimension that exists in all things and in everything we do.”
DreamSpace
“When you are exhausted, you lack clarity and the ability to see deeply. Your intuition and imagination are stifled by a culture of overworking and disconnection. You must be open to go deep into the cracks to examine and to understand ….”
“The mystery of what is not seen by the naked eye and instead felt energetically and spiritually.”
Personal Sabbath
“My Sabbath is a personal, spiritual, and political practice. I stop to declare that there is enough, and I have done enough.”
Her work is a path to understand the personal and cultural obstacles to rest, and ways to become liberated, including grieving, poetry as a form of rest, being a womanist, Audre Lord, and more.
Her vision has moved me in my own life and to help others in my work.
Put this book on your reading list… and before that, take time to daydream, see the clouds move, and remember—you are already enough.

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+14259544840

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http://www.restfulinsomnia.com/

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Our Story

If you struggle with insomnia, if nothing helps, if you’re frustrated and tied up in knots during your nights... I’ve been there.

During an intense bout of chronic insomnia, I discovered the power of rest. Deep, renewing rest. Deep rest of the body, mind, and spirit, giving you energy for the next day. And opening the door to sleep.

Seeing people unable to live meaningful lives because of insomnia -- that’s painful. I’ve helped people with non-stop minds, anxiety, and frustration at night learn to change their nights. So they can begin to work well, be present with their families, and to stop or reduce use of medications. They befriend themselves and their nights.

I do that through personal insomnia coaching, webinars, online videos (including Renewing in Chaos: Finding Rest in Turbulent Times, and my book, Restful Insomnia. Sign up for my free e-book, 7 Reasons to Stop Trying to Sleep along with my newsletter on learning to rest at www.restfulinsomnia.com.