01/21/2025
Story time. I know what’s happening in our country today. I am choosing to see this is the beginning of the people rising up. All people. Of us finally knowing our own power by diving deep into who we are and caring for ourselves, as our Source of power. As our source of Authority. Not some greater other.
So—here is the beginning of me finally telling my own story.
The first pic here is of the passports of my parents when they immigrated to the U.S. along with me, when I was the tender age of five months.
I feel lucky to have been raised in this country, where women enjoy more rights and freedoms, than I would ever had, had I been raised in India. It’s crazy to think about how different I would be, had that happened.
I know I am the direct result of my parents and all those generations before. Their gifts and all the struggles. Live on in me. And my brothers. Whether we consciously are aware of it. We hold too their fears and strengths.
I never felt I fit in, growing up in the American South—Virginia, Louisiana, Texas. I was always navigating between school and the outside ‘amercian world’, and the world inside my home. My light was crushed out of me at a young age. I never felt free to be me. I was a quiet child. I was voted ‘shyest’ of my class, Senior Year of High School. I was so quiet because the light was literally snuffed out of me. The tiniest flame inside was still alive.
The second pic is of me, at around age 5 or so.
I was a sweet little one, and I struggled to be me.
Healing is a process. And, I’ve healed tons. I continue to…
The only time I was allowed to ‘play’ and let the light of me shine through was when I was with my brothers. I cry even still how much it meant to be able to find my inner child over and over again, with them. They are 7 and 10 years younger than me, so it was truly re-finding that part of me when I was with them. I loved caring for them --- rocking them to sleep, playing the mail game, watching cartoons, with them, helping to feed them at dinner—all of it. It was my ‘Cancer Moon’ shining through. It was pure love shining through. The third pic is of us together.
First as children, then, as adults.
The next pic is the one, my brother Rajeev, said was his favorite one of himself. And then, me and him, with a mud mask on. He always knew how to bring me out of my shell. He knew me better than anyone else. And I knew him better than anyone, too.
When he passed in 2018, I immediately shifted. I had already been on a ‘spiritual path’, having done yoga teacher training, and Reiki training, and Yoga Dance, too. But, picking my brother’s empty body off the floor, and feeling the lightness of it, changed me forever.
I finally understood, in reality, that we are not these bodies. I don’t know if I had before. I had learned it in yoga, but did I know it, in my whole body, as absolutely true?
No.
I did after this experience.
As I looked down, I knew this empty body was not the beautiful brother I loved. As we tried to revive him, I knew it was useless, because his body had already begun to decompose. It was unbelievable.
The shock of the experience crystallized in me, how it is our Soul that is US, and that these bodies are the beautiful vessels that hold us. Our essence—who we are-- is so much more.
A whole layer of pretense, shed off of me, that year, after my brother left. The grief was immense. The guilt of not saving him, of not spending enough time with him, or not doing more, was also eating me up.
I found meditation and connecting with my brother was possible. I spoke with him, and still do, and find such profound peace, in doing that. I understood he was happy and at ease where he was. Letting go of the guilt of not saving him was a whole process, and I have learned much.
Mostly, that we are in charge of our own healing. And, no one leaves before their Soul is ready. I couldn’t have saved him, if he didn’t want to be saved. And, I had saved him countless times before, when he did want to be.
He loved me still. I loved him. Love doesn’t leave. The way it is expressed changes but it never leaves.
I found gratitude for this life, and the transformation I am in, continually in this particular one. Who I am has changed completely, and continues to —as a Scorpio.
Instead of struggling to “not die”, I am learning to actually live and find joy. That ease and joy is our birthright —if we choose it—has a been new and I am certain this is true.
“From grief to gratitude” would be the best way to describe this journey.
I have more to say. See next post.
