Joy Heafner, PhD, LMFT

05/26/2022

People often say that “marriage takes work,” but they don’t often get down to specifics. Check out my latest blog to read about eight ways that healthy couples regularly work on their behaviors and mindsets to make their relationships last. :)

People often say that “marriage takes work,” but often don’t get down to specifics. Here are eight ways that healthy couples regularly work to make their relationships last.

04/13/2022

**New Blog Post**

Five Red Flags in a Couples Therapist --- Learn about getting the most out of your couples therapy experience!

Couples therapy is a huge investment in time, money, and emotional energy. But more importantly, your relationship is one of the bedrocks of your life. When you want things to work, it’s paramount that you get what you need out of the couples therapy experience. Not only do you need a good therapi...

10/14/2021

*New Blog Post!*

Learn about one piece of bad marriage advice and three pieces of solid marriage advice from a couples counselor.

What’s your best (or worst!) advice for married couples?

Three solid pieces of marriage advice from a licensed couples counselor in Rhode Island

09/20/2021

If you’re angry at your partner, then taking time to slow down (your thoughts, words, breathing, and heart rate) is actually a great idea. When you’re angry, plus tired because it’s bedtime, you are much less likely to communicate clearly and listen empathically. Also, typically in relationships there is one person who wants to hash things out before going to sleep and one person who wants to table the issue and go to bed. Neither person is right or wrong. Making a rule that “we don’t go to bed angry” can put a lot of pressure on both partners to work through their feelings quickly, which is counterproductive.

Instead, try to attune to your partner’s needs (for resolution to the problem, reassurance of your bond, and/or sleep) in the moment while setting an expectation to get to the issue at hand later. “This fight sucks and I wish we could resolve it tonight, but I know we’re both tired. I love you and I know we’ll work it out eventually. Let’s rest and talk more about it tomorrow.”

www.joyheafner.com

06/29/2021

*New Blog Post*
How to Reward - and not Punish - Your Partner’s Vulnerability

In the full blog post (https://www.joyheafner.com/blog/how-to-reward-and-not-punish-vulnerability), I describe examples of vulnerability, why it’s important but so hard to express, more do’s and don’ts about how to react to it, why you might have a negative reaction, and what to do if you can’t bring yourself to have a positive reaction.

05/25/2021

Relationships are built on feedback loops. The more I do this, the more you do that. 

You can get stuck in a negative feedback loop, like the more I blame, the more you defend, so the more I blame, and so on.

Or you can have a pattern of a positive feedback loop, like the more I share my needs clearly and without blame, the more open you are to changing your behaviors to support my needs.

Each partner plays each role. When both people are simultaneously sharing their own needs and honoring their partner’s, the more they each feel like they’re in a mutually respectful, loving partnership. 

The thing is, it’s very hard to present your needs in a way that doesn’t trigger your partner’s defensiveness. And it’s very hard to graciously change your behavior if you feel attacked. These are the kinds of dynamics I help couples get control of through couples counseling.

05/13/2021

New Blog Post! Feel free to comment below and let me know what you think of these tips :)

https://www.joyheafner.com/blog/get-more-out-of-couples-counseling

04/15/2021

“Are you there for me?”

“Yes, I am. Are you there for me?”

“Yes, I am.” Over and over and over.

Can you send a clear and vulnerable signal of need?
Can you hear your partner’s signal? Can you respond with confidence and clarity?

It’s so hard to be vulnerable exactly where you have been hurt. When your partner sends a signal that comes off as unloving, you start signaling back in an unloving way. Self-protection makes perfect sense, but also gets in the way of change.

Couples counseling works. I can create the space and teach you skills for success in vulnerability.

www.joyheafner.com

04/08/2021

*New Blog Post*

Learn about four warning signs of divorce and how couples counseling can help you eliminate them.

03/17/2021

*New Blog Post!*

Sharing my favorite mindfulness skill that can help you focus on what's enhancing your relationship, and let go of what's not

In a previous blog I wrote about the importance of making intentional choices about where you focus your attention. In today’s post, I’d like to share my favorite mindfulness exercise for choosing to not focus your attention on thoughts that, for one reason or another, you don’t want to focus ...

02/19/2021

*New blog post!

You can shift the tone of your marriage by shifting your focus. What an empowering idea! Check out my latest blog to learn more about what I mean:

Learn how to empower yourself to notice what matters in your marriage and leave the rest behind.

02/09/2021

Hi! I recently had a photoshoot with Zencare to establish my profile for their therapist directory. Here are some of the shots of me and my home teletherapy office :D

Check out my profile and let me know what you think!
https://zencare.co/provider/therapist/joy-heafner

Last pic is a close-up of my gorgeous office artwork, courtesy of my wonderful partner in life, David M Bird.