07/07/2020
✨Please do yourself a favor and check out my girl, Amber’s blog post. I have no doubt everyone can relate on some level. 🙌🏼 Amber Jordan is one of the most creative, talented and brave women I know. Her blog is titled: Is Mom Home Yet? AMAZING! If you like what you read here, follow her blog here, follow her on Instagram for insane hair and makeup tutorials, as well as some incredible fashion steals. And I don’t even know what to say about her TikTok account. 😂 It’s hysterical! One of her Video’s has 1.2 million views-because she’s that damn clever. All of her handles are the same: ismomhomeyet
I hope you enjoy this as much as I did! Show her some love!
All. Parts. Are. Welcome. 🤟🏼♥️
𝐵𝑟𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑙𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑠 ᵇʸ ᵃᵐᵇᵉʳ ʲᵒʳᵈᵃⁿ
𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝗼𝐟 𝗺𝐢𝐧𝐞, 𝐈’𝗺 𝐠𝗼𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞..
Remember that song? Too cringey? Oh calm down, hold on I have point here somewhere.
I remember the song being sung in Vacation Bible School camp during the summer and trying to be the loudest to yell "NO!" when they sang, "hide it under a bushel?"
Never realized really what the words meant until now. As I sit here typing at the age of 36, I feel like my whole life I have "tried on" different personalities of myself. Always liking what I found, but knowing it was just not quite right and moving on.
You may call that chapters of life, or growing pains, but to me it felt like costumes on a rack that I would pick up dust off and throw on over my head. And much in the way a pair of see-thru curtains hang in a window, the outfits provided me some security that people couldn't see in. But also there wasn't much light getting out..
𝑂𝑢𝑡𝑓𝑖𝑡𝑠 𝐼 𝑡𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝑜𝑛...
"syrupy sweet, overly polite" felt too itchy and so fake and I couldn't wait to take it off.
"rebel" was cool, but little too loose, I ultimately I felt I liked the security of rules, so I know how far to push;)
"athletic" was by far a favorite, but I lacked the dedication and discipline to keep that uniform pristine.
"workaholic" stumbled on by accident at age 15, and it fit perfectly until it got so tight it was restricting me from doing anything else.
"jaded and bitter" this felt gooood, like a fluffy, soft robe. So comforting to tell myself no one had it as hard as me or hating all the stupid happy people. But ultimately you can only wear a robe for so long, it gets too hot and gets in the way of being active and living life.
"mom" actually feels more like a hairstyle to me. Forever a part of me, not going anywhere, but there are tons of different ways I can wear or shape it. I could even drastically change it, if I chose to.
Never, and I mean never, did I think I'd still be trying them on as an adult. I thought for sure when I was this age I would have my s**t figured out. I feel like I often even tried on friend groups. I have a few friends left from school I speak too, but not many. I knew and still know many people who hang with the very same people through high school and college. Neither my husband nor I went away to college so there was also that missed step of meeting people. My friends always shifted, I never have figured out why.
I loved and still love them dearly, each and every best and close friend I had in school, and I don't remember a falling out with anyone just a slow distancing, probably on my part because I lacked the emotional skills it takes to keep a relationships going until now, learning that things don't always just happen, that there has to be effort from both parties.
A few years ago I began what some may call a spiritual awakening? Quarter-life crisis? Call it what you will, s**t changed me. I questioned everything that had happened to me up to that point.
And I realized that because I had always been searching for what fit, I wasn't being 100 percent me.
𝐷𝑒𝑏𝑏𝑖𝑒 𝐷𝑜 𝐺𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑜𝑢𝑡𝑓𝑖𝑡 𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑠
In my adulthood and had slipped on the 'Debbie do good" costume so many times that sometimes I didn't remember if I was wearing it. Being that I worked in career that served others, I even thought that maybe that was okay? Certainly there are worse qualities to have? But I was feeling so much anger and resentment towards that outfit, and then towards anyone and everything really. I was feeling utterly drained and exhausted. I wasn't just trying to do good, I was trying to DO it all, and wanting to do none of it.
Then I started to say "No",
Without explanation or reason.
Just "No that does not work for me." or " I actually cannot ."
If felt good. It felt like me. Like what I wanted. What if I didn't need a costume at all?
But if I was all myself, and just myself with no outside filter, if I liked what I liked, if I JUST was who I was, how would I know if I was doing life right? If I was all me, people may think I was weirdo, (I am a weirdo though, I have a quirky sense of humor, and I find most everything entertaining). So in a sense, that would be pretty accurate. People also might find me to be too much or annoying.
I'd just be one super bright annoying backyard floodlight that people would say, " ugh again? Alright, enough already, someone go turn that off ".
I"d never really thought I cared about what people thought of me but maybe I had more than I realized. I have always been pretty brave, but maybe that pushed people away too? Maybe I should dial that back? Because I was beginning to feel very lonely, like I didn't have any people.
So I needed some help.
Some doctor at some point had given me a name of someone. She had wrote this name of what she called a "job coach" on a hot pink post it. And it floated around the bottom of my messy purse for probably 6 months. Now during this time, roughly a year of learning how to say "No" (I was trying to scale my business, work less without making less) so the thought of a job coach sounded perfect.
I decided to call.
Fun fact. I HATE phone calls. So weird right? Please face time me, text me, meet me in person to chat, coffee date? But phone calls, I dread, nope not my favorite. So I will put them off as long as possible.
But I called.
(Amber, BE professional, do NOT be awkward and for goodness sake NO joking) That is my self pep talk for phone calls.
I finally called.
I said "uh, hi, I'm not sure if you are accepting new clients or even where you are located, but someone highly recommended you. I wanted to know if I could make an appointment with you, they said you are a job coach?
I heard a younger, female voice say " Job Coach?! Ha! I don't know about that one, wait, how did you you get my number?"
I told her " Dr Johnson(or whoever it was)"
She says "I don't think I know them, what is their first name?
I couldn't honestly remember, but also couldn't help myself to which I responded "um, Doctor?"
She laughed loudly, but like that laugh that is from your gut and is so genuine there is absolutely no way to fake it and we both chuckled and continued to find an appointment time. I instantly knew I was gonna like this chick. Which was refreshing I had seen 2 therapists in the past, that were, pretty much the absolute worst.
𝑀𝑦 𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝐴𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡
One of the first sentences I ever remember saying to my therapist was "How do I find a support system?" to which she said "oh, I can teach you how to be your own support system, that way everyone else in your life is a bonus"
I thought, well damn that seems like a neat trick and thought again."Yes! I will take that one please. But like right now, I am super impatient."
I didn't truly understand what she meant then, but now almost a year later, I think I am realizing that by working through your s**t, dealing with it or letting it go, letting people leave and not chasing them, you can make room for better stuff.
She has taught me coping skills, emotional tools, she has supported me through some hard choices. Helped me find the parts, talk to them, and figure out who I am, and how to be in charge of all the parts of myself. I owe her so much.
But overall it was me.
I did it.
I was doing the damn hard work of becoming my own bright AF, backyard floodlight. And if it's too bright for you, look away, squint or do your own work on brightening yourself up and get up here with me because there is plenty of darkness still left in this world's backyard. And we could use all the light we can get.
