07/27/2023
It’s both mind blowing and gift that addiction affects us all so similarly. Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke, and others like a godsend. Earlier today I felt like I was talking to a younger version of myself. The déjà vu I felt was strong.
In response to me asking about his experience, he told me, “well, I dont think I’m ever going to use again. I know I don’t want to.” Once I processed the words, my heart broke for him. I wish, so badly, that saying those words was enough. Hell- I wish wholeheartedly believing those words was enough for us to never stick another needle in our arms again. But it’s not.
Those words weren’t enough when I began losing my friends and family. They weren’t enough when I became homeless and woke every morning believing I’d have to have my fingers and toes amputated from the freezing cold. They weren’t enough when I had a beautiful baby boy growing in my belly. They weren’t enough when I held that same beautiful little boy in my arms after he was born. And they weren’t enough when I was in the ICU hooked to several machines with sepsis and staff in my heart. Even at death’s door… they were still not enough.
It took so many years of pain, insanity, and grief to understand how absolutely all-powerful my addiction was. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to stop or how many times I told myself I’d never do it again. Until I surrendered, that day always came. And when it did, I was Ill equipped to stop it. I had only armed myself with words and desire and not with the tools necessary to be able to follow through on them.
Today I was able to explain this to that younger version of me. I explained it in the hopes that it will save him many, many years of pain where he keeps going back out- telling himself “I won’t use again” or “I don’t want to do this anymore”.
The hard truth here is this: if desire is the only thing you have, your chances of success are almost nothing. Desire without action will always keep us stuck in the same place we have always been. And that place is called pain.
-K
