
07/24/2025
It’s been 325 days since I last held you. And still, every single day, I’m reminded in a million little ways how much brighter the world was with you in it.
I’m reminded of all the hope we carried for the future, especially when I watch Oliver playing monster trucks. I never imagined he would be playing alone. He still loves dinosaurs, but his world is expanding. Lately, he’s been into Scooby doo. I wonder if you’d play with him or if you’d be more drawn to the ocean animals. I wonder if you’d love bugs and snakes like he does or be more like mama, loving them from a distance.
He talks about you every single day. Every single night, he grabs your special bear before bed, like it’s part of the rhythm of loving you.
I’m reminded when I only have to make one snack plate, what feels like just 20 minutes after lunch. There’s no arguing over which movie to watch next. I always imagined a debate between Finding Nemo and Toy Story. I know you’d choose Nemo.
Every little thing about Oliver reminds me of you. And I’ll always wonder who you’d be outside the hospital walls.
I feel it when I’m holding my niece and realize the last baby I held was you. My sweet, sweet boy. It was four months before I could even pick you up on my own, without nurses or respiratory therapists by my side. Four months before I could hold you freely… and the last time just replays over and over in my head.
I feel like so much was stolen from me. From all of us. You deserved so much more. You should be here, baby.