Scarred Hearts

12/22/2025

If I seem a little off this Christmas, it’s not because I don’t want to be here.
I do.
I just don’t know how to be who I was before.

I’m still figuring out how to exist in this season without the person who was everything to me.
And that shows up in ways I can’t always control.

None of it is personal.

If you want to help, you don’t need the right words.
You don’t need advice.
You don’t need to fix the mood or make it lighter.

What helps is letting me be how I am.

Sit next to me without asking what’s wrong.
Let the silence be what it is.
Don’t rush me to feel better or different.

If I leave early, please don’t make it a thing.
If I don’t seem excited, don’t take it as rejection.
If I’m quiet, it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy to be there.

It just means I’m carrying more than you can see.

You don’t have to tiptoe around me.
And you don’t have to pretend everything is normal.

Just meet me where I am.

Include me, even if I don’t fully participate.
Keep inviting me, even if I say no sometimes.
Let me come and go without guilt attached.

That helps more than you know.

This season looks different for me now.
I’m not trying to make it hard for anyone else.

I’m just doing the best I can with what this year handed me.

So if I seem a little off this Christmas,
please know it isn’t about love or gratitude or effort.

It’s about learning how to be here —
and needing a little room while I do.
Written by: Aimee Suyko - In Their Footsteps

12/17/2025

Tomorrow, December 18th, our group of parents will gather at Lake Mountain Coffee Statesville from 6pm - 8pm.
This will be our last gathering of 2025.
This get-together will give us the chance to share ideas with other parents on how to survive the holidays after losing a child.
For some, it’s their first Christmas.
For others, it’s many Christmas’ since losing their kid.
This is how we survive together.
Please share with any parent you know that’s lost a child, or God forbid more than one child. We’d love to meet them.
It’s a no-pressure environment.
We’re not counselors. We’re just parents that “get it”.
See yall tomorrow.
Merry Christmas to everyone.

- Scarred Heart Parents

12/17/2025

A beautiful tribute from Debra & Todd McNeil about their daughter, Haley:

💎 A Diamond in the Sky: Remembering Haley Dawn McNiel

🌟 A Moonlit Arrival (December 6, 1992)

The night Haley Dawn was born was cold, but the sky was illuminated by a brilliant full moon. For me, it was a moment filled with both nervousness and overwhelming joy. When I finally held my daughter, weighing in at 6 lbs 5 oz, all the fear melted away. Haley had no hair back then, but her most beautiful blue eyes, were wide and clear. When her blonde hair finally came in around age 1 or 2, it framed a face already full of innate joy.

From the very start, Haley was a girl who radiated sunshine, and she consistently made Todd & myself, incredibly proud.

💖 Pink, Purple, and Playtime 💖

Haley embraced the world with enthusiasm. Her favorite colors were the vibrant and happy shades of “pink and purple”.
Many of her happiest childhood moments were spent in the simple pleasures of imagination.

She loved playing **Barbies** with me, creating elaborate stories and imaginary worlds for the dolls.
She also had a sharp, curious mind, loving the challenges of putting puzzles together, piece by piece.
These shared activities were quiet moments of connection and love.

Haley was also a budding chef!
While she loved all kinds of food, “Ramen noodles” held a special place in her heart. Not because of the taste alone, but because she could prepare them “herself”. This small act of independence made her feel like a confident, big girl.

🎬 Movies, Music, and Kindness 🎬

Haley and I shared a deep connection over the classic film “The Wizard of Oz” — it was our favorite movie to watch together. She also adored the purple dinosaur, “Barney”, and the house was often filled with the sound of Haley and me singing Barney songs together, filling the atmosphere with happy noise.

But perhaps the most remarkable thing about Haley was her EXTRAORDINARY capacity for thoughtfulness and empathy.

After her Papaw Josey passed away, Haley knew her Mamaw Joyce might feel lonely. So, every single day, this thoughtful little girl would call her Mamaw just to make sure she was okay and to lift her spirits.
Her kindness didn't stop with family. Her guidance counselor at NB Mills once shared a story with me and Todd: Haley had approached her, given her a BIG hug, and asked, "Are you okay?" The counselor tearfully admitted that the hug and Haley’s question had made her day and actually convinced her not to quit her job, thanks entirely to Haley's genuine compassion.

💔 Her Rainbow and Diamond

Haley was only 11 years old when she passed. Her birthday, December 6th, just happened 10 days ago, a bittersweet reminder that she would have been 33 years old now.

For me, Todd, and her little brother Anthony, the loss of our "Halo" is immeasurable. Haley was truly her mother's "everything." Though she is physically gone, her memory is a constant, loving presence.

She is my “rainbow” in the day and my “diamond in the sky” at night.

Haley Dawn McNiel—the beautiful girl with the blonde hair, the blue eyes, and the biggest heart—is missed terribly, loved eternally, and never, ever forgotten.
Love mom, dad, and little brother. 🩷💜

12/05/2025

Sometimes you just want to let the important dates pass by and reflect on them yourself.
But today is a milestone date.
Today Elijah would be turning 21 yrs old.
He left us when he was 10, so the things we missed with him:
13 - becoming a teenager
15 - getting his drivers permit
16 - getting his drivers license and car
18 - legal adult, able to vote, high school graduate
21 - have a beer in public with your dad

These milestones weigh on me heavily because they fall into the thought category in my brain of:
"Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda".

I say this because I still see parents taking their kids' existence here for granted.
You don't know how lucky you are.
You're so distracted by your phone, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, or the game on TV, that you fail to see the blessing in front of you in your kids.
You should be out making memories with them. Even if it's just a lunch date, 1 on 1, at their favorite place.
Do this for the rest of us that can't.
Don't miss these opportunities.
Don't give "regret" a chance to set up shop inside your soul.
I should be having a drink with my oldest son today.
Or at least just celebrating this milestone with him.
He made me a first time dad, 21 yrs ago today. That evening, I placed my hand on his chest for his first two breaths in this world and I said "Hey buddy, I'm your daddy."
His eyes opened, he stopped crying, and he looked at me. That was it.
At that moment, I had THE BEST JOB in the whole world: being a dad.
Almost 11 yrs later, that same hand felt his last two breaths in this world.
When that happened, and his heart stopped...his eyes opened, and he saw the face of the Creator.

Don't take these days, weeks, months, and years for granted.
Take the day off. Take the vacation.
Let your guard down for the sake of laughter from your kids.
It's so worth it.

Happy Birthday, Elijah Matthew Aschbrenner.
I love you and miss you so much.

11/19/2025

A post written by Kade McNaughton:

There was a time when I liked November. My son, Kristopher, was born the Sunday after Thanksgiving and all the Holiday decorations seemed to be there helping us celebrate. But now, November is my worst time of the year. The month where I sit with shattered pieces piled up between his date of death (11/15) and his date of birth (11/25).
Somewhere I got the idea that you just need to make it through the year of firsts and life would start again. You struggle with the first birthday, first holiday season, first Mother’s Day and on and on. For me, those came quickly Thanksgiving on Nov. 23rd, his Birthday on Nov. 25th , his memorial service on Nov. 26th. Then there was the rush to pack up the remnants of his life, figure out what to do with them, clean his apartment, and race home from Arizona for Christmas. The first time I was told I needed to “stop living his death” and move on was that first March. But in many ways, this feels like another year of firsts along with a lot of mixed emotions.
It was eight years on November 15th since Kristopher died. Long enough for him not to be talked about by those that were left behind and long enough I’m supposed to be done grieving, if only I knew how. There will be no stories or memories, and apparently, I’m selfish to expect we might stand as a family to remember, honor, and celebrate Kristopher’s life. It’s like he has just disappeared.

My grandson, Kayden, turned 8 two days before his father died (11/13). This year when I think about him, I realize that, eight years later, he is no longer that same little boy that lost his dad. For the first time, I see a young man maturing into the next stage. Then I realized, as of Nov. 16th , he has lived more days without his father than all the days he had with him. He’s sixteen now and for his birthday his mother bought him his first car. A car she picked out with Kayden’s soon to be new daddy. I wonder if they let him know it was paid for with money his father left behind to take care of him...if there was any mention of his father at all. So here is where I have mixed emotions. I’m grateful he is growing into this amazing happy young man. He even responded to a text I sent for the first time, after two long years of no acknowledgement. He had a good birthday and received an amazing gift every sixteen year-old dreams of getting. I’m even happy for his mother that she has found someone to share her life. I hope her fiancé is a good man. I hope that he will love and embrace Kayden, that he will provide a father figure that Kayden can love and trust, and that he will provide good advice and guidance as Kayden moves out into the world and figures out what life is all about. But it’s another reminder that life is moving on without my son. He’s not here to help pick out Kayden’s first car, teach him to drive, or navigate all the firsts he is starting to encounter for himself. Like dating the first girlfriend and the heartache of the first break up. His high school graduation, starting college, getting married and hopefully having a family of his own one day. But in reality, there will forever be an empty spot.
This year also provided me with the first time since Kristopher died that I don’t feel like I’m rolling along blindly through life. I am exploring more what my purpose is now. For as long as I can remember, I would say “it isn’t what life hands you, it’s what you do with it.” But my son’s death never fit that saying. There is no purpose for it. But I am taking some baby steps to see where I fit in now, going forward.
- Kade

If you've experienced the loss of a child, or children, please join our group of parents this Thursday from 6pm-8pm at Lake Mountain Coffee Statesville, on the 2nd floor.
We are simply a group of parents with this one thing in common. We are not counselors. There's no obligation to speak. We just appreciate each others company, understanding, and words of advice on how to navigate life after our kids passed away.
Food will be provided by the amazing Angie Bradley, and it'll be the favorites from our November birthday kids.
Please bring a picture of your child, no matter their age, to be hung on "Bailey's Wall" while we gather together.
Also, feel free to bring a support person, should you need to.
A big thank you to Kade, for writing that beautiful post about her son Kristopher.

11/11/2025

Most definitely.

11/10/2025

Decade - (de kād) n. - a period of ten years. From the Greek word "deka".

That's how long my oldest son, Elijah, has been gone.
Ten years. Or 3,650 days.
That means the first digit in my age was a "3" not a "4".
That means my 9 yr old son Sam has a "1" in front of that "9" now...AND he's in college.
I can't wrap my head around this.
We've always been told that "time flies when you're having fun", but what about this? What about when you're not having fun, when you've been at your absolute lowest?
In those moments of pure anguish, when I was having those crushing meltdowns, unchecked evil thoughts, and uncontrollable man-cries, time stood still. I never thought I'd get through those days.
I never thought I'd survive this kind of hurt. I never thought I'd see today. I thought my broken heart would give out or give up.
Those first years were the worst I had ever felt in my life.
Those of you that were blessed to know Elijah and were present in our story, you're realizing at this moment how fast 10 years went by in your own lives.
What have you done in that time period?
Has it been time well spent?
Have you made memories?
Did you get married?
Did have any babies?
Have you gone on vacations and seen wonderful things?
Did you make the best time with your parents or grandparents?
Did you prosper in your job?
Did you save? Did you give back?
Did you start a business?
Are you smarter?
Are you more appreciative?
Or did you squander it?
I think the list would be longer if I tried to name all the negative things we waste our time on in our society. I'm sure you know them well.

To be honest with myself and all of you reading this, I don't feel like I've done any of the good things on that list, to the best of my abilities.
I should have done better.
I think I just got by.
I think I simply survived. No more.

But I'm different now.
A lot different.
It's not a new chapter I've started, but an entirely new book.
A sequel maybe? Because I know I'm drawing on those life experiences, but I look at "the Matt from back then" and then look at the "present day Matt"....there's so much change. Of course my physical look has changed, but my priorities are different, the group of people I surround myself is different, what I'm doing for income is different, what I do for fun is completely different.
I'm a new book. I survived.
I'm thriving now. I'm trying to pass this on to new parents in our group.
The early dark days of a bereaved parent are inevitable, but we CAN get to the brighter days.
Each sunrise is proof of that.
I'm one day closer. Closer to what, you ask?
One day closer to seeing his sweet face and that blue hair. I don't know how many days I have left here, but I do know I'm one day closer.
So instead of starting today with "Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney, or "My Old Friend" by Tim McGraw, or "After The Storm" by Mumford & Son, or "Garden" by NeedtoBreathe....

I choose to start his "departure day" with one of his all time favorite songs and video:
"Thunderstruck" by AC/DC.

Here's to surviving and thriving. 🍻
I love you pal.
Elijah Matthew Aschbrenner
12/5/2004 - 11/10/2015

- Matt

Нарізки різних гелікоптерів під AC/DC -- Thunderstruck

11/04/2025

We want to give special recognition to our friends at Scarred Hearts, a group of parents who have faced unimaginable loss and yet continue to pour love into others. Many of their members took vacation days or unpaid leave to work in the hangar after Hurricane Helene, and they have continued to support United Carolinas Cavalry in the months since.

Scarred Hearts has generously donated gift cards to Cafe 220, D'Laney's and Lake Mountain Coffee, three local restaurants that support their group and hold a special place in their hearts. These gift cards will be bundled together as one of our raffle prizes at Homecoming at the Hangar, with proceeds supporting ongoing missions of hope.

Thank you to our Scarred Heart parents. Your compassion reminds us that even in the face of heartbreak, we can still lift others up 💙

09/18/2025

Even though I delayed this month’s post, I sincerely hope it reaches many of you.
Typically we speak about how difficult our day-to-day survival is, what it’s like to lose a child, ways to cope, and our goal of someday not just surviving, but thriving again.
It’s like mission impossible some days. 🙄

This week I want to share something inspiring, in a way.
Our community lost a young man on August 30th to a car accident. Jacob Huffman, 17, a student and football player at North Iredell High School, was killed when his truck hit another vehicle. From all accounts, he was well liked among his peers and was one of those humans that never met a stranger. He had loving parents, David & Carmen, who own a few greenhouses in our area. And he also had a younger sister, Sierra. When I read about his story, I immediately felt what the parents must have been feeling. It’s really difficult to learn of more parents joining our club.

A fellow student at NIHS, Eli Jordan, passed away from a short battle against brain cancer, in 2023. His mother, Kerry Marie, is in our monthly group and is desperately trying to get back to the “thriving” part of life. She felt what Jacob’s parents must be feeling, and wanted to do something to honor their son.
For the last two years, Eli’s name has been visible at NIHS in the form of solo cups wedged in the fence as you drive down Raider Rd. from Jennings Rd., and get ready to turn into the high school. Kerry knew Eli still had friends, teachers, and parents that missed him, but she also knew there was a new group of people grieving the loss of Jacob at the school.
She didn’t want to completely take her son’s name away from the fence for now, but what she came up with was to create Jacob’s name using Eli’s cups and adding a few from a different color to create “JACOB”.
For her, it’s a step forward towards a greater sense of surviving and someday, thriving again. She sent out a group text to some of us parents, and those that could join her to help change the cups, arrived at North Iredell High.
The big surprise was that Jacob’s mom drove by, decided to sit with us, and tell us about her boy.
It was humbling to see these two parents that never knew one another until that day, sit…talk…share…laugh…and cry a little.
Their common thread sucks. But it’s a story that’s been going on since Adam & Eve.
Posted below are some pictures from that morning at NIHS.

Tonight is our monthly Scarred Heart gathering at Lake Mountain Coffee Statesville. It’s from 6pm - 8pm, on the 2nd floor. We invite any parent that’s lost a child(ren) to join us for two hours of simply hanging out and leaning on each other.
We aren’t counselors, we’re just fellow parents that “get it”.
Bring a picture of your kid(s) for us to hang up on Bailey’s Wall, that way we can put faces with the stories.
Food will be catered by our awesome chef, Angie Bradley, of SonFlour Catering.
Take care everyone and please share this post. 

08/21/2025

When making these posts on the week, or day of our Scarred Heart gatherings, it’s helpful to have a some kind of theme that deals with losing a child. Something to touch on, something relatable, something insightful, and something that offers guidance to other parents.

Not this time. Since my son passed away, my mind is short circuited. It fires off random thoughts all day long. It has great thoughts and ideas that disappear in seconds, or minutes later when something else totally unrelated springs up.
I’ll think of a project or new hobby to research…then I’ll see an airplane high in the sky and wonder where it’s going or who’s on it? Is it a vacation? For business? Or to escape. I wish I was up there with them.
My mind will recall the upcoming birthdays, anniversaries, or a maybe a lunch date…then completely forget about them, until the time has passed and I’m that person sending a “belated” well-wish or asking to reschedule.
🐿️
It has bad thoughts too. Ones that defy laws and morality.
Hypothetical criminal stuff that civilized, law abiding folks wouldn’t dare carry out. Maybe I’m a spy for the CIA, or a vigilante, or I want to flip a desk over onto the doctor that said “I’m sorry, we have to take your son off the trial. Best of luck.”
You know…stuff like that.
🐿️
My danger time is when I’m in bed waking up. Brain is on. It’s thinking. It’s planning. It’s plotting. It’s crying. It’s laughing. It’s regretting. It’s longing.
All in the first 120 seconds of the day.
I gotta get up and be vertical. I need to be distracted by a task.
🐿️
The sun is coming…I should go watch it. It might be the last one I see. It might be the next of 1000 sunrises. Is my kid dancing behind its brilliance? Another sunrise, another chance. Another sunset, another day closer to seeing my boy.
🐿️
In the first seven years,
I completed nothing. Projects left half done.
I cleaned nothing. Dishes sat in the sink. Dust was everywhere. Vacuum? 😆Yeah right.
I organized nothing. Mail, bills, taxes… a total parework bomb went off and lay scattered. In fact… still looks like that. 🤷🏽‍♂️
I even let my tags expire, got pulled over, got a ticket, had to show the DA that I got it remedied, only to be up for renewal about 4 months later. 🙄
🐿️
It’ll be 10 years in November. How is that possible?
How does a guy like me LOSE AN ENTIRE DECADE.
So much time has been wasted. So many things left undone and now I’m playing catch-up.
🐿️
I don’t see cardinals or pennies. I see butterflies. Really brave ones, that land on my shoulder or the project I’m working on.
I meet people with his same name or their kids have his name. I see the letter “E” everywhere. In the clouds, on a bottle of nitrogen, or a Scrabble piece in my junk drawer.
I don’t own Scrabble.
I see signs from other kids in our group too. A dime. A name on a building in another town. The number 33. A song with their name as the title.
🐿️
Why am I driving a truck with 443,000 miles on it.
🐿️
Autumn is coming. Orion is coming. I dread it.
I saw the constellation, Orion, 5 mins after my son left this world. It’s only visible in fall & winter.
I love the cool weather. But I hate that time of year.
It’s a reminder of what we were going through in 2015.
When I see pictures of me from back then, I don’t even know that guy. I feel sorry for him. He doesn’t know what’s coming.
Poor bastard.
🐿️
Tonight is our monthly gathering for parents that have lost a child, or God forbid, more than one child.
We’re not counselors at all. We just understand one another.
We know why one of us looks lost in thought…And I mean LOST. We plan events that honor our kids, and offer ideas how to survive the “FIRSTS” (first year stuff) and survive the other important dates.
It’s a strong group. Amazing connections are made.
And all of you keep me going.

Lake Mountain Coffee Statesville 6pm - 8pm
Food is catered by the amazing Angie Bradley.
Please bring a picture of your kids to hang up on “Bailey’s Wall”.
If you’re new, feel free to bring a friend for support.
Also if you’re new, we’re sorry you’re in our club.

Have a day everyone.
Time to get go distracted….
- Matt

08/05/2025

In our parent group, four families will share their child’s birthday this month. Of those families, three share infant loss.
What would their giggles sound like?
When would they have taken their first steps?
What would their first words be?

This month Atlas’ family would like to honor his birth by returning to the NICU with supplies. The supplies they want to donate would help to make the NICU feel more like home for families.
Kevin and Juli lived in the NICU for 33 days.
Please help us honor Atlas and his NICU baby friends by donating some special items. Juli has made an Amazon wish list for this event.
We look forward to getting together with all our fellow Scarred Heart parents again on August 21st, at Lake Mountain Coffee, from 6pm-8pm.