10/04/2024
How Should We Respond When Someone Close to Us Causes Harm?
I’ve been reflecting on how I would respond if, one day, someone close to me were to engage in harmful behaviors like abuse. As someone who has experienced abuse and witnessed how improper support can cause further harm, I’ve gained some insights into what effective support looks like.
Inspired by both my personal experiences and a quote from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints—“The Lord expects us to do everything we can to prevent abuse and to protect and help victims. No one is expected to endure abusive behavior.”—I want to share some thoughts on how we can approach these situations with both compassion and accountability.
10 Ways to Support Someone Who Has Abused:
1. **Prioritize Victims’ Safety
Always prioritize the safety, well-being, and healing of those who have been harmed.
2. **Set Boundaries to Protect Yourself
Protect your own safety and the safety of those in your care. Setting boundaries is not a sign that you’ve failed your loved one; it’s a necessity.
3. **Abuse Is Not a Marriage Issue
Abuse is when one person violates another person. It’s not a shared responsibility, so don’t treat it like a “relationship” issue.
4. **Beware of Manipulative Narratives
Those who abuse often paint the victim as the perpetrator. Be cautious of this manipulation, as it justifies abuse and perpetuates harm. Misplaced empathy can fuel their “victim” mentality, hindering accountability.
5. **Accountability Is Critical
The person engaging in destructive behavior must have accountability—through a sponsor, therapist, recovery group, or other means.
6. **Abuse Has No “Two Sides”
While no one is perfect, abuse is a violation of rights and is never mutual. Don’t justify it by forwarding the narrative that both parties are equally at fault.
7. **Trust Must Be Earned
Dishonesty and manipulation often go hand in hand with abuse. Don’t afford trust until it’s been earned over a significant period of time.
8. **Mercy Needs Justice
Offering too much mercy without justice makes it hard for the person to understand the severity of their actions and to ultimately change. True change requires both.
9. **Support Victims with Validation
Acknowledge to the victim that the abuser is in the wrong, and that you’re there to support their efforts to heal.
10. **Encourage Restitution
Encourage the person who perpetuate the abuse to offer restitution to those they’ve harmed. This can look different in every situation but is a critical step toward healing.
We all have a responsibility to protect those who are vulnerable, while also helping those who cause harm find accountability and change. This balance of compassion and justice is what can truly bring healing.
****What are your thoughts on how to balance compassion with accountability in situations like this? I’d love to hear your perspectives.
