23/02/2023
Yes! This! Sharing as it so eloquently examines and illustrates the mess that is “healing”. There is no one right way…read on dear hearts…
••• words by:
When it feels slow and you wonder “Will I EVER get there?”
“And why are we stopping to explore every crack and crevice on the road?!?!”
When you want to yell, “Hurry up!” at yourself.
When you want there to be a short cut, because of course you do, and of course there should be…
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When you wonder if there is a point to understanding the path.
Why do you need to notice THIS and THAT and all the THIS and THAT’S in between!?
I mean, “I am here to get to the end,” you say.
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And you wonder aloud what is there?
And who will you be?
And if your heart and body will rest one day like the “non-traumatized” do?
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Is that what healing looks like?
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How do you be kind to your body and heart and mind that still show evidence of your trauma?
After all these years…
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You were ready to trudge though, whatever element you faced, you were not afraid.
But you were afraid.
But you learned to not be afraid or to not “show afraid.”
And then someone said, “How do you feel as you look at these things?”
And you stop, a bit stunned and shaken, and you just want to put your head down and keep going, and the question annoys you a bit because it seems to be missing the point of all this.
“I have somewhere to be!” you say.
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But you notice how tired your legs are.
And you wonder about that.
And you feel compassion for how long you have been pushing yourself, ignoring your body’s cues for rest, and you wonder, “How long have I been so exhausted?”
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And you wonder if you could rest.
And you do.
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And it feels really kind, actually.
Because your body is not bad for holding trauma.
And you heart is not bad for remembering.
And your mind is not bad for knowing.
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And you kind of thought they were, because you realize so much of your life you have believed that you were only as lovable as your ability to pretend, to mask, to hide, to deny the effects of the harm that was done to you.
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You ARE healing.
You ARE.
But it looks a bit different than you thought.
It is more of a welcoming than an erasing.