The not so "Super" hero

13/12/2020

I haven't posted forever because I kept struggling with feeling adequate. I had come from and environment where everything I did was wrong, even when I did exact what was asked, and I've been on major burnout. And I often wondered why I even started this because I had nothing to offer. I'm not saying all this for sympathy/pity and I'm not fishing for compliments. I'm in a much safer enviroment in life and feel I can handle being judged good or bad. 🤣
I have another beautiful baby boy and I thought I would escape post pardum this time because my work had been steady and uplifting. Willie though he still has never suffered depression has done everything in his power to listen and support me. And my family has been amazing rockstars of a support group. I also have some beyond amazing friends who have cleaned my house offered to do my church callings, and checked up on me.
But even with all these blessings last week was rough and I was literally insaine. And I was so disappointed in myself for giving into the overwhelm and finding I was drowding in the darkens I didn't even realize had overcome me. My poor husband and kiddos on that emotional ride.
At first I didn't even realize why I was so easily panicked, why my chest felt so heavy and I couldn't breath, why I kept crying uncontrollably, and why I was being so mean to Willie even though he wasn't doing anything wrong. But, finally, I saw a show with a post-pardum woman. And I was like. Duh! I've been here before I know what this is. And I was able to start doing things to get back on track to healing. And knowing It wasn't my fault I was a monster helped me be kinder to myself and in turn kinder to those around me.
Anyways, this is what had led me to positing again. Knowing others may be feeling and suffering and not even realize what's wrong or how to help themselves.
I haven't known what to post about until today during church my friend spoke about gratitude. And in the talk she said how graduate is a coping mechanism. And if we are applying it daily it helps us overcome the difficult crazy things in life.
In the talk she asked: "If you could only wake up today, with what you prayd for in gradituded yesterday what would you have?"
I panicked for a second thinking I hadn't thanked Heavenly Father for everything. But He always being kinder to us his childre then we are to ourselves. Gently brought to my memory: "you will have your whole family on both sides, your home, and food.... And what else do you truly need to be happy?"
I've decided I'm finally going to be dedicated to the advise my mother has been giving me for over 20 years and start writing in a gradituded journal daily. And to think my husband just gave me an early Christmas gift.... A journal to help cheer me up....
We know God's love by his tender mercy's = by the simplistically and timing of his miracles.

P.S. I didn't take the time to have this spell and edited checked so please ignore my typos and if there is anything that doesn't make sense let me know.

20/11/2018

I know it's been a long time since I've posted, and I can't promise I'll be much better this holiday season. But I've recently found this song and it's amazing!

Alex Boye is an amazing person and I LOVE his music. The first time I heard this song and realized it's meaning I just bawled like a baby!

I use to have a friend who told me I wasn't broken because of my depression. Just bent... bent really far... but not broken. I never believed her. But, now I see that I'm still alive and overcoming this battle. So, I guess she was right.

And it's so true with everyone else who fights this battle. It's ok to recognize you're not as strong as you would like to be, but know you're not ask broken as the overwhelming emotions of depression would have you believe.

Download & Stream Single here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/bend-not-break-single/1435186299 Every 40 seconds, someone in the world dies by su***de. If ...

22/06/2018

My dear sweet husband has never struggled with depression. Which amazes me because of all the crazy stuff he has been through in his life. (Side note for those who don’t know, he was a gang member, drug dealer, drug addict, and… well, we will be at it all day if we continue to talk about it. I’m happy to say he has definitely changed his entire life around and is the best husband and wonderful daddy.)
So, because my husband didn't understand depression at all at the beginning of our relationship he would always say things like, “Cheer up,” “Just choose to be happy,” “It’s not that bad, you don’t need to feel sad.” All with the best intentions of course. When I was in a particularly low place he bought me a sweet sign for my office that said: “If you want to be happy, Be.”
I had finally found the love of my life and I wanted to be happy and feel joy and fulfillment. My husband would say things like, “just don’t think sad thoughts.” And I would try to explain… I’m not thinking sad thoughts, depressed thoughts, or scared thoughts. I should be happy… but there was just this empty void of longing that suffocated me no matter what I did.
Have any of you ever felt that way with the people you love?
I’m sure everyone who has struggles with depression has experienced things like this, and you’re not alone. No matter how isolated depression and anxiety make you feel there are people out there who get it, so don’t compare your worst moments to their best, and just reach out.
Most of us are afraid to get help because we’re raised in a society where feeling and talking about feelings are taboo. Or they make you weak. Where people who have “sort of” felt what you’re feeling will dismiss you and tell you to “just get over it”. Which disqualifies your feelings and makes you believe you’re just so worthless because you can’t get over it like they did.
But trust me, those feelings are real (or the lack of feelings in many cases) and they don’t make you less of a person or worthless. I know many of the strongest people I’ve met are those who have struggled and survived the depths of depression.
I don’t check my Facebook every day, so please feel free to shoot me a message on Facebook messenger, and I'll respond to you when I'm able. Or find another close friend who your feelings are safe with, sometimes you don't even have to talk about it, just getting out of your normal schedule changes a lot.

22/06/2018

15/06/2018

I have been through so many experiences that have taught me so much about depression and anxiety and it's so hard not share them all at once! And I have a lot of them on my mind today. But I think the thing that sticks out the most is a conversation I had with my little sister not too long ago, I’m really struggling not bringing too much into one post, so please endure with me.

To give some background my sister was pregnant (now has a beautiful baby boy) and we all know pregnancy hormones make us a little sensitive.... and let's be honest sometimes downright crazy! Also, my sister is a recovering addict. (she is working on starting her own page to help people with addiction and family members of addicted, so if you feel like that type of page will help you let me know us know) She is fully aware and I have full permission to share this story.

So, my sister calls struggling because she and her husband had one of those marriage fights every couple has. The insecurity’s from the fight had triggered the temptation to relapse. But being wise she reached out to someone she could feel safe with.

So we're talking about the situation and she’s feeling loads better just being able to talk it out. Then she says, something like I hate it when I get these intense emotions I just can't handle because they always make me want to relapse.

Now I've never done drugs, used alcohol, or really had an addiction. But I knew the exactly how she felt. That need to escape, but instead of having an addiction that triggers my suicidal thoughts trigger. I shared this with her and we had a deep conversation about it.

I have learned recently, probably from another Tedtalk, maybe from one of my psychology books, I’ll have to find the reference. That depression triggers the same centres in the brain that chronic pain triggers. So when someone is depressed they are actually in literal pain in their brain. NO… they are not making it up! NO wonder people who are depressed find it hard to get the motivation to get up in the morning. Or to make it through the day with the aches and fatigue. Or all of the other countless symptoms. And no wonder so many trying to recover from tragic events end up depressed.

At a work conference I attended a couple of months ago I learned that self-harm isn’t an attempt at su***de. It is actually an attempt to escape feelings we can’t handle. But it can end up with the tragedy of su***de. I also learned that those who find the escape in self-harm will feel guilty within moments after harming themselves which just increases the depression and emotions you try to escape in the first place.

A couple huge misconceptions about being suicidal:
• It doesn’t mean you actually you’re planning ways to kill yourself, sometimes it means just wished you didn’t have to wake up, or that your life doesn’t have to go on. It can be a very casual thought process you don’t even realize you’re having. I didn’t even know I was suicidal for a long time. It wasn’t until I got into therapy during my bad post-partum spell that I learned that I was suicidal before I was even pregnant.
• Su***de isn’t “just seeking attention,” behavior. While some do use the threat of su***de to control or manipulate, genuine people feeling it really are struggling and those feelings are real. (and do need real professional help if someone actually has a plan to follow it out).
• And it doesn’t mean that you actually want to die. Even though I desperately wanted relief and the only way my depression would let me see a way out was su***de when it came down to the moment of actually making a plan. I couldn’t ever allow myself to follow though BECAUSE I didn’t actually want to die I had too many things I still needed to do before I left this earth.

So, so what can we do when we have these overwhelming feelings?
• Reach out to a friend who you can feel safe with – who also can be honest with you and not just tell you what you want to hear. Because sometimes with depression we need a little push.
• Learn meditation or grounding techniques
• Learning about Mindfulness and practice using it
• Exercise (because it increases the happy hormones in our brains)
• Eat Chocolate – it produces the same hormones as kissing someone (of course don’t overindulge because then you will feel guilty and beat yourself up more)
• Make sure you’re getting enough sleep.
• Do your own research about what you’re struggling with- just remember not everything you read on the internet – you are not doomed.
• My personal favorite that has made the biggest difference in the last couple of months. Educate yourself on any topic! I love to get a good educational book on audio and listen to it while I’m cleaning or driving to work. It makes everything about my day more manageable and has really lifted my spirits!
• And ALWAYS seek a medical professional, get the training and help if you feel like you can’t handle it yourself.

13/06/2018

I remember sitting at the dining room table in my childhood home staring at my homework and even though I was trying with all my might I couldn't figure it out. I was still in grade school, and I knew I was never going to figure it out. I wrote a big “I’M STUPID” at the top. (To be honest, I probably misspelt it because spelling has never been a strong suit of mine.)
My mom seeing what I had written told me to never say that about myself, that I wasn’t stupid! But I knew deep down I was a handicap and just no one would tell me. I had believed from a very young age that I was slower than the other students and that I would never fit in or be smart. I would never be good at anything. I would always just be the last in class, the last in learning.
I continued to believe this about myself, but I found ways to work around my handicap that I couldn’t explain. It made me feel so alone because I really thought others new I was handicap but just wouldn’t tell me. I knew it made me awkward and slow. Causing a self-loathing, depression, and constant "need to be seen as" a good person because being good was all I could offer the world.
Come to find out at the beautiful age of thirty years old I've had ADHD my whole life. I had heard so many bad things about ADHD and was not excited to have this “disability.” BUT, little did I know it was going to solve a lot of my self-esteem issues and wrong belief that I was stupid.
I have learned that ADHD can be closely related to depression, because of the way others treat us and the way we view ourselves. But with some study, I’ve learned that even though I can’t remember a person’s name to save my life. I can hyper-focus and accomplish things that I wouldn’t have thought possible as a failing child.
There are so many great Tedtalks on ADHD and how it’s actually a superpower. How it was a survival skill during the hunter-gather time and it allowed them to escape predators and catch food.
This is one of the first Tedtalk I ever listened to when I learned I had ADHD, and wow did it make a difference. I no longer see myself as stupid or disabled, but as a well-adapted adult who has an amazing ability to notice detail. As well as an ability (not disability) to focus to a degree and determination that I use to credit to an "addictive personality." But Yay, it's just ADHD. And it's amazing how getting to know yourself a little better can make a big difference in depression, and anxiety.

Stephen is a Senior Directing major at Carnegie Mellon. He is also the current President of Carnegie Mellon's Film Club. He recently completed his Thesis Pro...

08/06/2018

Time is an interesting thing, and there are so many quotes and references to it, how it’s a thief and how there’s never enough of it in one day! And I know that can be a huge burden. We hear things like:
“I’m not a good mom because I don’t spend enough time with my son. I’m not a good wife because I don’t take time to make dinners (ever, Willie’s the cook in our house), or I don’t have a clean house.”
Or the "overwhelm" factor that gets so many of us: “I there so much to do… I’m never going to catch up. I’m suffocating under this huge load of responsibilities. And if the days were just a little longer I could do something productive.”
Or, “I’m almost how old? And I’ve not accomplished anything in my life????”
These are just some of the dialogues I hear in my head and hear repeated from many others. And, in all this craziness we call life, we lose how important it is for us to slow down and to care for ourselves.
And just reading anything about "self-care" makes our mind jump to things like: “I defiantly don’t have time, maybe when I get this house cleaned I will deserve a break.”
But, living in that constant state of "overwhelm" not only robs our life of fulfilment, but it causes stress. And stress does nasty things like… shorten our lives. Yikes.
Here’s a Ted Talk I Just LOVE that talks about how to make stress our friend. And maybe… just maybe it can make time our friend too. Because I believe God wouldn’t give us short days just to torture us. He gives us short days to help us discover self-mastery, and part of that is learning to LOVE ourselves.
P.S. I am a person who believes in God, but I don’t want this to be limited to only those who believe in God. So if you believe in the Universe or Karma or many of the other options please allow it to apply to you in your own way.
I Love this TedTalk by Kelly McGonigal because it talks about something so simple that makes such a huge impact in the way we view stress!

Stress. It makes your heart pound, your breathing quicken and your forehead sweat. But while stress has been made into a public health enemy, new research suggests that stress may only be bad for you if you believe that to be the case. Psychologist Kelly McGonigal urges us to see stress as a positiv...

07/06/2018

HI Everyone! Thanks for taking time to like my new page! I'm just reaching out to those who also have huge dreams, but find themselves drowning under limitations that are real and imagined.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. I also suffered from postpartum depression that caused obsessive compulsive suicidal tendencies. I’ve have come to find that’s not as rare as I once believed, and that so many of us struggle with constant loneliness and self-loathing.
But, this isn’t just for women or those suffering from postpartum and depression. I would like to help anyone who wants to help themselves overcome everything from bad days to chronic struggles.
As I’ve reached out to individuals in all walks of life I’ve realized that we can all be each other's heroes. And we don’t need spandex or capes to do it.
Please feel free to share this with anyone who may be interested.

Disclaimer: I’m not a licenced professional, and do not claim to have any cures or therapy treatments. I will just share what has worked for me and others with their permission.