27/10/2023
Without Hesitation by Lauren Bever
I entered the room quietly, trying not to disturb the woman sleeping in the other bed.
She laid in hers, quiet as a mouse, eyes closed, breathing shallow.
I took one of her gnarled hands into mine; it was cold as ice, as it always was, prominent blue veins creating a roadmap pattern as if demonstrating her journey in the hundred-plus years she's spent on this Earth.
I knelt next to her and gently whispered, "Sarah."
Her watery blue eyes opened and met mine.
She smiled.
"Hello beautiful," I said, trying to simultaneously be loud enough for her to hear and quiet enough not to disturb Bertie in the next bed.
Her sparse white eyebrows raised, and she said, "Beautiful?"
She smiled.
I smiled.
She said, "I'm not beautiful anymore."
I said, "You are more beautiful than you know."
She chuckled and patted my hand as if to say, "Oh, child, one day you'll understand."
I said, "It's Lauren, the hospice nurse. I have to do your exam so we can keep you signed on to our service, okay?"
She nodded, absentmindedly looking over my head toward her window.
I always pulled up the shade when I came in, so she could look at the big oak tree outside.
I looked too, and saw that it's leaves were slowly turning from green to shades of orange and red.
Soon they would fall and carpet the ground, another cycle of seasons coming to a close.
I silently mused that this is the last time she'll witness that.
Over one hundred Fall seasons have come and gone in her life.
Seventy autumns that I haven't witnessed, yet I have the gift and honor of accompanying her through her last one.
I squeezed her hand and asked my first question: "What is your name?"
"My name?"
She mused for a moment.
"My name is Sarah."
"Very good," I responded, "now what about your last name?"
"My last name?"
She stared at me blankly.
Seconds ticked by as I patiently waited, giving her time to turn over the possibilities in her mind.
She looked perplexed.
She met my gaze.
"I... I don't remember," she said haltingly.
I smiled at her and squeezed her hand reassuringly.
"That's okay," I replied.
"Do you know where you are right now? What building are we in?"
She shook her head no.
"How about the state?"
She shook her head no again.
"Do you know what year it is?"
Her eyes met mine as she said blankly, "I don't remember."
I squeezed her hand again and said, "It's alright. It's a lot to remember."
She chuckled.
I told her where she is and what year it is, even though I know she won't remember.
I glanced over at her window and saw a bright red cardinal land on a lower branch of the oak.
As my gaze traveled back to her, it landed on the picture of the young man wearing dress blues on her windowsill.
I pointed to it and asked, "Who is the handsome young man in that picture?"
Her gaze followed my gesture, and she smiled.
She said, without hesitation, "That's my Adam. Adam Friel."
Her breakfast arrived, and she took great interest in the small muffin on her tray.
I encouraged her to eat and packed my things back into my bag.
She didn't notice as I slipped out of her room.
I glanced back to find her watching the cardinal in the oak outside her window.
It seemed like he was watching her, too.
- - - - - - - - -
Hours later, driving home, I call her son to give him an update.
I tell him that she couldn't remember her own last name but she remembered his dad.
He's choked up for a minute.
I swallow the lump in my own throat.
He regales me with anecdotes from his parent's long marriage.
I laugh and tell him what a special lady she is.
He agrees.
We hang up, and I am lost in thought.
I pull into the driveway and see you standing at the stove, nodding your head in time to whatever you're listening to.
I walk in, and the dogs dance around me, ecstatic that I've appeared.
You turn and smile at me.
I smile back as I look into your blue eyes.
You are also ecstatic that I've appeared.
You envelop me in a hug, and I smell everything that means I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
That I am Safe.
Loved.
Cherished.
Celebrated.
Encouraged.
That I am Home.
You ask me about my day, and I tell you all of the places I've been.
Then, I tell you about my interaction that morning.
You listen intently, spellbound.
Your blue eyes are watery now, too.
You pull me back in for another hug.
I close my eyes and listen to your heartbeat, my head pressed against your chest.
The next morning I drink my coffee and watch the dogs in the backyard.
A bright red cardinal lands on our bird feeder and seems to look right at me.
You come up behind me and put your arms around my waist, resting your chin on my head.
I close my eyes, perfectly content.
One day, when I am the old lady in the bed, and the hospice nurse is asking me all of the questions that I should know about myself...
One day, when I am the old lady in the bed, and I don't remember any of the answers to the questions that she has asked...
One day, when I am the old lady in the bed, and I have forgotten all but my first name...
I hope I will be like Sarah and remember you too.
I hope I will smile and say "That's my Sam."
Without hesitation.
Photo credit: https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cardinalis_cardinalis_in_Cercis_canadensis.jpg
Author's Note: while this poem is based on a real interaction, names and details have been changed to protect privacy.