03/21/2024
VULNERABLE SHARE:
(TLDR--skip to bottom for the lesson)
The pictures below are a visual representation of a transformation I recently made. For years, I have felt the weight of shame. And for years I have tried (unsuccessfully) to navigate my way out of shame with counseling, journaling, mediation, and more.
It did not work. It was not meant to work…we are meant to FEEL our feelings--the pleasant, the not-so-pleasant, and everything in between. Weird, right?
My tower of shame began as a child when I did not know how to navigate big feelings, when I felt the judgment of others, when I felt the judgment of myself. If I am being honest, not navigating big feelings has become a pattern of mine. It is waaayyyyy more comfortable that way. But it is also limiting my ability to feel big feelings that I consider to be positive: happiness, joy, excitement. I am guessing some of you may relate.
I have worked with many coaches over the last several years, so I have begun to explore what I really want in life and what I really want in myself. I desire peace, happiness, connection, freedom. These are not things I can buy; I must learn how to find and create them. They lie beneath the shame. Shame is a barrier to those things I desire.
It has taken me a while to find the right coach to help me navigate this deep shame I have held for so long. This coach and I have become friends during the past many months as we worked together, which allows me to open up to her in a way that I have had a hard time opening up to others previously. What a precious gift!
Last week we worked together and we discussed shame and the way it weighs us down. She never pressured me to explore my shame—she invited me to go in if and when I desired—or not if that was my choice. So I did. We talked about its impact on me and why I wanted to release it. I challenged myself and took action that night to share this long-held secret of shame with someone I hold close to me, someone I feel deeply blessed to have in my life, someone I knew could hold space for me without judgment—something I often can not even do for myself.
A sliver of light appeared that night amidst the darkness of shame. An ever so slight bit of weight released off my shoulders.
Fast forward to today. I hit a rough patch. A really rough patch. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I was angry. I took the situation personally. I blamed the other party. Then I blamed myself. I went down the long and winding spiral of shame.
I had a very brief 30 minute period of transition before working this afternoon. During that time, I vented about the situation with a colleague; I cried; I scolded the dogs for things they likely did not deserve scolding for; I cried some more. I arrived at my office, still tearful, and shut myself inside before my client arrived in order to try and gain my composure.
In the stillness of the session, I tried to remain grounded for my client, focusing on my breath, listening to the music, and being mindful about what it was she needed to release today. But the tears threatened to fall as thoughts swirled in my head. Pointing the finger at myself, considering all of the things I had done wrong, considering how this would negatively impact me in a deep way, “knowing” that this was just more evidence of why the universe was against me. What kind of coaching client was I anyway, that I could not take this situation and criticism today as feedback rather than a personal attack that left me raw and exposed? On and on I piled the judgments.
Returning to my breath, something shifted in me. As I remained present for my client and her needs, I also found myself being present for what I needed in that moment. I did not have to choose her over me or myself over her. I could do both. I needed peace (deep breath). I began to realize how perceived friction/conflict always landed me in a space of feeling judged, being worried/convinced that I was not good enough, that I would never earn enough, that I would never be lovable enough. NEVER ENOUGH. But really, I was the only one placing those weights of judgment upon myself. Can you relate?
Then I realized what I was doing: more than judgment, I was placing shame upon myself. There it was. Shame.
S H A M E in shouty capitals.
(Pause)
(Tears threatening to fall)
(Deep breath)
The long-sought-after-but-never-found-oh-so-elusive “thing” had just appeared. I caught myself smack dab in the middle of self-shame, which I don’t recall ever having done before—I usually remain at arms’ distance, oblivious to or simply ignoring the weight I place upon myself.
Then I realized that same person I mentioned earlier that I could always rely on to hold space for me—he loves me as I am—he loves me better than I love myself.
HE LOVES ME BETTER THAN I LOVE MYSELF. More tears.
Then gratitude for the icky situation and the individual that hurt and upset me from earlier in the day that stirred this emotional pot in the first place: it was only through that interaction and subsequent self-reflection that I was able to catch myself in the moment of self-criticism, thus allowing me the choice to stop the shame spiral in the moment.
GRATITUDE
(deep breath)
Then a question to myself: how can I love myself better through this opportunity? That is a question I will continue to ponder in the days to come.
The situation from earlier that I judged as a bad interaction has now become an amazing opportunity. That sliver of light that came through last week transformed into a beautiful beacon of light today. And the weight on my shoulders is now even less.
The power of coaching!
If you have read this far, I am hoping you too see the power of coaching:
• Acknowledging patterns, thus the opportunity for growth
• Awareness of shame or other emotions in the moment (the best time to be able to create change)
• Sharing my vulnerability with my coach and loved one, thus deepening relationships
• Taking action immediately vs. contemplating and then never taking action
• Being present for what I needed and knowing situations can be “yes, and” and don’t have to be “either or”
(Special shout-out to an amazing coach and phenomenal woman Molly, and also to my beloved who teaches me how to be a better person every day.)
And if coaching sounds scary but exciting all at once, let me know. I would be honored to hold space for you to explore and grow!
