By the River Counseling & Wellness

03/29/2022

When someone has been betrayed and traumatized their whole world turns upside down. They feel unsafe. Their mind and body often become uncontrollably hyper-vigilant in a non-conscious attempt to avoid further trauma.

The first step towards healing is safety. This includes acknowledging and validating their experiences and fears. Expecting them to “not be triggered” is an unreasonable expectation that keeps them feeling unsafe.

03/23/2022

Couples I work with probably get tired of hearing me say “say more, check in, ask them, talk about what you’re thinking.” I say these things because communication is critically important.

Without good communication we default to making assumptions and can come to conclusions that are both untrue and harmful to the relationship.

However, sharing and asking questions also requires good listening and being present for the one speaking.

Try this: ask your spouse or a friend an open ended question (one that can’t be answered with yes or no) then practice listening.

Be really curious about what they are saying, how they are feeling, and why this matters to them. Paraphrase back what you heard. Now notice how that feels for you and for them. That’s connection.

03/21/2022

Is prioritizing self-care challenging for you? It might be helpful to refocus your self-talk. Does self-care feel selfish? Do you feel guilty? Or does a part of you secretly like playing “the martyr.” (I can relate to this one).

Others are watching and learning, especially your kids. Demonstrating good self-care sets them up for success by teaching them how to care for themselves instead of working until burn-out, and let’s face it, resentment sets in.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel needed, unless it leads you towards burn-out and feeling taken advantage of (a clear sign of resentment). Take a pause, do something your soul loves, and then serve others with joy. It’s a win-win solution.

-C

03/19/2022

Emotional safety is not a relationship “perk.”It’s a baseline, foundational expectation of a healthy relationship. What is Emotional Safety exactly?

1. Difficult emotions (sadness, anger, fear) can be shared safely.

2. Honest feedback can be given and received.

3. Safe to ask for help with complex problems.

4. Feel accepted for being different.

5. Safe to take creative risks.

6. Safe to feel hope and express optimism.

7. Valued for your unique skills & talents.

8. Mistakes are not held against you.

Are you in an emotionally safe relationship with someone? How about with yourself? How can you show up for yourself and others this week in a more emotionally safe way?

#

03/18/2022

Your choices and boundaries matter. What you say yes to, what you say no to, both communicate to others what your priorities are.

Are your actions/inactions representing your true self? Are you being true to your goals and priorities? Do you need to make changes or begin enforcing boundaries to move toward authenticity?

The beautiful about boundaries is that by setting them you teach others it is ok for them to have boundaries also. Who around you could benefit from learning this? Your children? Your spouse? Your friends? Family?

They may not like your boundaries at first but it is a powerful lesson and helps you be true to your self.

03/16/2022

Feelings are incredible sources of information, be curious about them. Ask yourself questions…

Why is this upsetting me? Why does this irritate me? Why am I feeling anxious about this?

What could be below the surface? Does the situation match the intensity of my feelings? What else could be the cause?

Is this a common response for me? Where did I learn to respond like this? Have I always reacted this way?

Non-judgmental self exploration can provide great insight and clues to what is really happening within you. This can help you make better choices regarding how to respond and navigate your feelings - putting you in control, not your circumstances.

03/14/2022

We learn a lot of things while growing up. How to interpret our environment, how to survive. If your environment was less than perfect, you may have learned things (habits, responses, defenses) that no longer serve you today.

The good news is you can unlearn those things, it just takes a little effort, and perhaps the help of a therapist who can provide a safe space for exploration.

You are worth the effort.

03/14/2022

Couldn’t agree more with this. ❤️

Let's have the same thundering message from the pulpit, decrying the evils of abuse, hard-heartedness, infidelity, and harmful unrepentant sin.

Let's popularize talking about the evils that lead to the break up of marriages and families. Let's heap fire and brimstone on the evil itself, not the people who bear the brunt of it.

It's a much better way to inspire healthy, mature marriages actually.

Because then, we will inspire healthy people to stay healthily married. Unhealthy married people will cease being comfortable in our pews, and their targets will have a safe place.

Let's normalize putting the cart AFTER the horse.



~Ngina Otiende

03/14/2022

Have you claimed your FREE TICKET for the 2022 Choose Connection Summit? Go to chooseconnectionsummit.com and get your free pass now!

With more than 25 speakers over 3 days, this is a must-attend event for couples in recovery for chronic betrayal.

12/10/2021

10/22/2021

Have you ever felt like a part of you was angry but another part felt sad? Maybe one part wants to sleep in and another feels guilty at the thought? It’s possible, and common, to have an internal conflict warring within us that makes it difficult to make decisions or interact effectively with those around us.

It can be helpful to acknowledge all parts within you - how are they looking out for you? What need are they trying to meet? Justice? Compassion? Rest? Accomplishment?

Often when each part is allowed to express itself and be validated, then there can be a “cease fire” and a rational way forward can be discovered.

Listen to your parts. There’s an important message trying to be heard.

10/20/2021

Practice noticing your thoughts and letting them move on. If this is difficult, if you find yourself ruminating on something, try bringing your mind back to something pleasant.

It can be helpful to choose a simple, encouraging affirmation or mantra that you use to help re-center yourself whenever you notice an anxious thought playing on repeat in your head.

10/07/2021

Young people are being impacted by po*******hy at a time when their brains are still developing. It affects their sense of self, their understanding of what is “normal” sexuality, and how they should relate to others.

It often leads to erectile and other sexual disfunction in young adults, as well as social anxiety, depression, and p**n addiction.

If you’d like help in how to talk to your kids about p**n, go to fightthenewdrug.com and brainheartworld.org for helpful resources.

**naddictionisreal **naddiction **n

10/05/2021

If you recognize these signs in yourself try practicing mindfulness and grounding techniques that can help you emotionally regulate.

Taking several deep breaths while exaggerating/focusing on the exhale can help you relax and recenter.

Closing your eyes and imagining a favorite, safe place is another mindfulness technique. Spend several moments noticing the details of what you see in your mind’s eye using all your senses. What do you image you see, hear, taste, smell, and feel?

As you do these mindfulness practices more frequently, you will learn to manage the flooded feelings more easily. It is like a mental workout!

What do you do to stay present and mindful?

09/29/2021

Safety in relationships is super important. And experiencing this type of unsafe behavior for long periods of time can cause trauma.

Taking steps towards safety requires courage and support. Seeking help from trusted friends and/or a counselor can make it easier, especially when your self-esteem has likely taken a hit.

You are not asking for too much. Safety and respect are legitimate expectations.

09/26/2021

Emotions are a great source of information if we pay attention to them and understand what they are telling us. Covering up the check engine light on our dash is not a long term solution. Similarly, if you don’t know what the symbols on your dash mean, they aren’t going to help you.

Processing your emotions in a safe way and with safe people, can help you interpret and address the issues your emotions are alerting you to. Tune in and take advantage of the wonderful emergency broadcast system you came equipped with.

09/24/2021

Many of us can relate to the things on this list, but take a moment to do a self check. Are you doing these things to distract yourself from pain or to protect yourself from additional pain? If so, it might be helpful to find a counselor trained in trauma work to help you process and heal.

Just because a coping mechanism is socially acceptable doesn’t mean it isn’t distressing for your biopsychosocial system. I healed trauma often finds a way to be expressed one way or another. Your pain deserves to be heard, validated, and healed.

09/21/2021

I say this to nearly all my clients at some point. Too often we let our feelings “drive the car.”

I don’t feel like exercising. I feel like laying in bed. I’ll do it tomorrow.

I don’t feel like making something heathy for dinner. I feel like ordering something. I had a hard day.

I don’t feel like reaching out to a friend. I feel like isolating. No one wants to be around me anyway.

Funny thing is, feelings are followers. When YOU drive the car, often your feelings adjust and align with your choices.

Wow, I feel amazing for getting out for a walk. It was hard but I feel proud of myself.

That dinner was easier to make than I thought and tasted way better than take out. And now I have extra for dinner tomorrow - Nice!

My spirits are always lifted when I hang out with my bestie. It felt so good to laugh tonight.

Who’s in your driver’s seat?