Chris Tompkins

01/02/2026

Why “confidence” is the wrong goal.

Most advice gay men get around dating, visibility, work, or relationships is about confidence.

“Just put yourself out there.”
“Fake it till you make it.”
“Work on your self-esteem.”
“Be more confident.”

But confidence assumes something crucial.

That the nervous system already feels safe enough to take interpersonal risk.

For a lot of us, especially if we grew up constantly self-monitoring around family, peers, or authority figures, confidence isn’t what’s missing. Safety is.

When safety is missing, confidence ends up feeling forced, performative, draining, short-lived.

Then, when we don’t feel confident, shame often creeps in and says we’re doing something wrong, or that we need to “try harder,” or that something is wrong with us. But that isn’t true.

What’s really missing is safety. We don’t need more confidence, we need a nervous system that feels safe.

Therein lies the work 🙏🏼

*Working on Chapter 3 of my book…stay tuned 🙂

01/02/2026

Grateful to share my latest interview today.

I had the honor of speaking with Rick Clemons on the 40 Plus: Gay Men, Gay Talk Podcast about one of the most common issues I hear about in therapy.

Check out the full episode and share it with anyone who could benefit👇🏼

Lonely doesn’t mean broken.

For to many gay men, It often means you're disconnected from yourself first.

In this episode, Chris Tompkins - love - and I talk about why so many gay men feel isolated even with apps, bars, friends, and full calendars.

We unpack sobriety, shame, aging, and the pressure to “have it together.”

If connection feels hard lately, this conversation might say what you’ve been afraid to admit, but needed to hear.

🎧 Listen Here - https://bit.ly/3YJAnqV

12/20/2025

I’m excited to share that my latest article for Psychology Today was just published and it's been selected as an Essential Read!

“Do You Want Non-Monogamy, or Do You Think You Should?" explores something I hear often in my therapy practice—gay men agreeing to open relationships before they've really asked themselves if it's what they want.

Open relationships can absolutely work. But when the choice comes from pressure, comparison, or fear of seeming "less evolved," it often leads to disconnection rather than intimacy.

Whether you're monogamous, non-monogamous, or somewhere in between, I hope this article helps you clarify what you actually want—for yourself and your partner.

Read it here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lgbtq-affirmative-psychology/202512/do-you-want-non-monogamy-or-do-you-think-you-should

If you're a gay man or couple navigating questions about monogamy, non-monogamy, or relationship dynamics, I'd love to support you. Reach out for a consultation.

12/17/2025

One of my greatest teachers was Louise Hay. Her book You Can Heal Your Life quite literally changed my life.

Long before becoming a therapist, I was a licensed workshop leader, bringing her teachings into places like Los Angeles Central Juvenile Hall and the LA LGBT Center.

Louise Hay’s work is part of LGBTQ history, and I was grateful to share a little of my journey with her work on the What Would Louise Say show with Rev. Martine Bernard.

Check out a few clips here. The full interview is linked in my bio: 💗

12/17/2025

One of my greatest teachers was Louise Hay. Her book You Can Heal Your Life quite literally changed my life.

Long before becoming a therapist, I was a licensed Heal Your Life workshop leader, bringing her teachings into places like Los Angeles Central Juvenile Hall and the LA LGBT Center.

Louise Hay’s work is part of LGBTQ history, and I was grateful to share a little of my journey with her work on the What Would Louise Say show with Rev. Martine Bernard👇🏼

12/17/2025

Thanks for sharing, Psychology Today!

If you’d like a deeper dive into the ideas I discuss here, you can read the full article below:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lgbtq-affirmative-psychology/202510/change-your-schemas-change-your-life

12/15/2025

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned while pursuing anything meaningful is the role of internal preparation.

Before I gave my TEDx talk, I had a real fear of public speaking. Paying attention to my inner environment and developing a relationship with my future self helped me do something I didn’t think I could do.

Are you pursuing a dream or questioning whether you’re ready?

Check out my latest on Psychology Today to see how connecting with your future self can support you in pursuing your goal:

Connecting with our future self and cultivating self-honesty can turn today’s choices into lasting growth for real-life change.

12/08/2025

I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about change and what it actually takes to grow into the life we want.

It reminded me of my own process and the ways we often wait to feel “ready” before we take action.

In my latest Psychology Today article, I write about the internal preparation that happens long before an external achievement, and how connecting with our future self can help us make choices that support where we’re headed.

Feel free to share it with anyone who might benefit!👇🏼
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lgbtq-affirmative-psychology/202512/how-to-step-into-the-life-you-want-today

12/03/2025

When we start to notice the parts of our lives we hold back, whether out of fear, shame, or habit, we open the door to change. Therapy, supportive friendships, chosen family, or community spaces can give us opportunities to practice sharing our lives and ourselves safely.

Just last week, I was leaving work, pulling out of the parking lot in West Hollywood, CA—one of Los Angeles’ gay neighborhoods, where Pride flags and gay bars line the streets—when a car with two men who reminded me of the type of guys who bullied me as a kid pulled up next to me at a red light. They weren’t even in an actual lane; they pulled up just to harass me. The passenger, holding a loudspeaker, started calling me “faggot,” while the driver glared at me, flipping me off and mouthing for me to get out of the car.

The experience rattled me. Here I was, an adult gay man, having just spent my day working with other gay men, leaving work in what should have been a safe neighborhood and yet I felt like I was back in high school, being taunted. I thought about what I often tell my clients.

Instead of just chalking the incident up to road rage or a**holes, I called a friend to share my experience vulnerably.

I let myself, my fear, and my younger, more fragile parts be seen. I needed to release the fear and shame.

The invitation for you is to respond differently to shame: reach for connection instead of shame or silence.

11/17/2025

Check out my latest article on Elephant Journal about male loneliness.

It was inspired by a comment someone made on another recent piece I wrote about gay men.

Loneliness doesn’t discriminate. Read more 👇🏼

"Over the years, many men learn to keep parts of themselves hidden, even from the people closest to us. Every time we do, we leave a piece behind—a sort of self-abandonment that can turn into chronic feelings of loneliness."

Article link in comments. 👇

10/29/2025

In case you missed it!

My latest article for Psychology Today—“Why Loneliness Affects So Many Gay Men”—was recently made an Essential Read.

Loneliness isn’t just about being alone. For many gay men, it’s about feeling unseen, disconnected, or like we have to hide parts of ourselves to belong.

Check out the full article, and feel free to share with anyone it could benefit👇🏼

Why some gay men feel alone even around others, and how to change it.

10/23/2025

Many of us grew up absorbing unspoken rules about who we were allowed to be.

Even after coming out, early messages can still live inside us—shaping how we show up in relationships, how we express love, and how we see ourselves.

I recently joined the Circle Podcast for a conversation about internalized homophobia, understanding shame, and how healing begins when we start to unlearn the messages we grew up with.

We explore:
- The difference between what’s said and what’s left unsaid in childhood
- How internalized shame can show up in love, s*x, and self-worth
- The body’s role in healing old beliefs
- Why feeling safe enough to be yourself is part of rediscovering joy
- How supportive environments help us heal what silence once taught us

It’s a reminder that there’s nothing wrong with you and that it’s through our awareness we can create change ♥️

Watch the full interview here:

Many of us grew up absorbing quiet messages about who we’re allowed to be. Even after coming out, those messages can live on — shaping how we love, express, ...