23/04/2024
A Reconciling of my Past
The other day I accidentally stumbled on some old messages I had sent to someone on Facebook during the pandemic.
It felt like reading the script of a person I didn’t fully recognize. I could see I was being pushy, on edge, looking for something from this person. Ir felt like I was reading the words of a person I had long said goodbye to.
Yet something in my heart told me there was a reason I came across these messages in this moment.
You see, I had forgotten about this version of myself - the girl who had seriously struggled when everything shut down (including my job), and was scrambling to try to get by.
There was no denying that the degree to which I was struggling was coming out in my communication to people - the loneliness, financial insecurity, the breaking down of so many of my relationships (including friends who passed away), during this time sort of took the rug out from beneath me and I don’t think I fully had a chance to acknowledge it. I still had all this other s**t I was healing from and had no space for more.
Whoa, I acknowledged it.
In the past my automatic way of handling things would have been to puff up my chest, ignore it, and keep working hard.
But something moved when I sat down to acknowledge that part of me. I no longer had to frantically keep running like I had to protect my image, or show up perfect.
I could send a few messages to people who I impacted and be like hey, I wanna acknowledge that time I may have said some things that weren’t cool. It seems like it may have affected our relationship and I know you didn’t deserve that. I was really struggling during that time to communicate how I was feeling. I hope you can forgive me.
Someone once told me that if I wanted to be “awake” I had to first admit that I was “asleep”.
And it’s true; while I was struggling I was incapable of seeing how I was missing the mark of really listening to people, how I was taking things personally, not really b e I n g.
It wasn’t until I took my healing seriously over the last few years by taking a p a u s e to acknowledge everything, that I really started to see differently.
The irony was that I managed to facilitate, teach courses, and work with so many people during this time in supporting their healing (hello The School of Healing Arts), and the most important person who needed it was
m o i.
A deep lesson that the gifts I so badly wanted to help others with was the one I needed to firstly practice and embody with myself.
For that I’m grateful that I stumbled on those messages, so I no longer need to run from my ghosts of the past.
A photo from our video shoot of Pray - new music coming soon
