Insightful Minds

3 Questions Partners Should Ask Each Other

There's a big difference between listening to understand and waiting to refute. Everything will go a lot more easily when you do the former. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/202112/3-questions-partners-should-ask-each-other

3 Questions Partners Should Ask Each Other ... and what to do if the answers are "no."

How a Partner's Past Trauma Can Disrupt a Relationship

It's alright to ask to take a break when something happens that's triggering your trauma. Cultivating an awareness of what's happening inside you will allow you to avoid impulsive reactions. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/202201/how-the-triggering-past-traumas-can-upend-current-relationship

How a Partner's Past Trauma Can Disrupt a Relationship 7. Recognize that this partner is different, and ask for what you need.

A Surefire Way to Repair a Damaged Relationship

People often avoid apologizing when they don't know how or don't think it will work. But there are some traits that comprise a successful apology. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/202112/surefire-way-repair-damaged-relationship

A Surefire Way to Repair a Damaged Relationship New research on the empathy-apology connection.

What You Can Do to Help Yourself Get More Effective Support

When you need help, it's important to be clear about what you want. Some people are better at meeting different needs. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-you-and-me/202112/what-you-can-do-help-yourself-get-more-effective-support

What You Can Do to Help Yourself Get More Effective Support Receiving support from others is not as simple as it should be.

How to Strengthen Your Marriage During Tough Times

During tough times, it's especially important to remain communicative with your partner. People support each other better when they understand each other's coping mechanisms. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/frazzlebrain/202201/how-strengthen-your-marriage-during-tough-times

How to Strengthen Your Marriage During Tough Times Seek to uplift your partner rather than blame during difficult times.

3 Steps to a Relationship Reboot

It's easier to commit to change when you have external prompts. It's even better when the goals you remind yourself of are highly specific. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202201/3-steps-relationship-reboot

3 Steps to a Relationship Reboot 3. Try a complaining fast.

10 Signs of Emotional Neglect in a Relationship

People often drift apart because their past experience hasn't taught them how to sustain a relationship. But once this dynamic is recognized, it can be changed. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202201/10-signs-emotional-neglect-in-your-relationship

10 Signs of Emotional Neglect in a Relationship 10. You only feel positive emotions during s*x.

Getting Stuck in Negative Emotions and Relationship Patterns

When we're feeling bad, we're more likely to presume that other people are also burnt out or acting with hostile intent. But when we learn to observe and counteract the way those feelings affect us, we can also reduce distorted thinking. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/202201/getting-stuck-in-negative-emotions-and-relationship-patterns

Getting Stuck in Negative Emotions and Relationship Patterns You can escape how your brain confirms the worst in other people and situations.

The Big Debate over Little Lies

People often lie because they think they're sparing their partner's feelings. But honesty is usually the key to deeper affection. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-big-debate-over-little-lies/

The Big Debate over Little Lies Is lying ever okay? Learn the difference between lies that help and harm and how telling the truth establishes trust.

The Busy Couple’s Guide to Sharing Fondness and Admiration

Reconnection is something couples need to consciously make time for. It may seem daunting if you're already busy, but if you give it a high priority, you will likely feel more energized for other things. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-busy-couples-guide-to-sharing-fondness-and-admiration/

The Busy Couple’s Guide to Sharing Fondness and Admiration Sharing fondness and admiration for each other as a couple fits into your schedule no matter how busy you are.

Small Indiscretions Can Create Big Issues Between Lovers

Betrayals of trust aren't just the big things that push a couple into crisis. They can also be the everyday patterns that normalize resentment. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-matters/202111/small-indiscretions-can-create-big-issues-between-lovers

Small Indiscretions Can Create Big Issues Between Lovers Trust is a demanding master.

5 More Helpful Things to Say Than "Calm Down"

What do you do when someone else is too stressed to maintain a productive conversation? You may be able to turn down the heat and come back later without bruised feelings. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/202106/5-more-helpful-things-say-calm-down

5 More Helpful Things to Say Than "Calm Down" In times of conflict, here's how to not add fuel to the fire.

You Should Talk About Your Problems More

Talking about your problems out loud can help you get a better handle on them. Even if it's hard at first, you'll get better with practice. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-burden/202110/you-should-talk-about-your-problems-more

You Should Talk About Your Problems More Here are some instructions for self-disclosure.

Why a Partner Might Feel Unsupported

For a relationship to be emotionally supportive, each partner has to feel that they are capable of giving support as well as receiving it. Knowing that you are able to help the people you care about may even make your life less stressful in general. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-resilience/202111/not-enough-emotional-support-your-partner-could-be-why

Why a Partner Might Feel Unsupported ... and how to be more open to both giving and receiving.

In Relationships, Not All Imperfections Are Deal Breakers

Some traits are never going to go away. We have to be clear with ourselves about what is worth focusing on, and why. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/assembly-required/202112/your-partners-annoying-traits-are-here-stay

In Relationships, Not All Imperfections Are Deal Breakers The case for choosing partners whose faults you can live with

More Confelicitas and Less Projection to 2022.

Dear reader,

I have seen a dangerous manifestation of projection during these hard moments we are all living.

Projection is the act of attributing to others what really comes from us. It can be good when we fall in love and see the other’s love for us as we are in love for them.

The problem in times like this pandemic is that there are more available negative projections than positive ones. Why this happens? It is a way of removing our own pain, disown what we hate in ourselves. As it is an unconscious process it is easier to see projections in others in relation to us than to see our own onto others.

If you notice you are being overly defensive, overly hurt , reactive and fast blaming, step back, take deep breaths and look at the situation as more objectively as possible. How do you define the situation and the person in your head? What do you say about yourself in relation to that person? Switch positions and in an imaginary chair “be that person”. How do you feel looking at yourself?”

Accepting yourself and others as you are and they are is the simple path for an Okay – Okay relationship. It is not easy as it is said but it is doable.

Let’s do Confelicity instead. What is Confelicity?

I just heard this word for the first time from a dear Transactional Analyst colleague and I am borrowing her excitement for the word.
Confelicitas comes from the latin word Felicitas that means happiness, fruitfulness, success, good fortune and the also latin word Con that is used to indicate the completeness, perfecting of any act.

The English word Confelicity means Pleasure in another’s happiness.
What a wonderful feeling to feel happiness with others and this way instead of disowning, owning,
instead of projecting, Confelicity!!!




Happy New Year!!!!

Marcia Guimaraes, LCMHC
Wilmington, NC

How to Let Your Loved Ones Be "Good Enough"

There are always going to be things that annoy or frustrate us in a relationship, and it's okay to talk about them. But keeping the relationship healthy requires us to get in the habit of asking ourselves why something is bothering us. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/202112/accepting-good-enough-friends-and-partners

How to Let Your Loved Ones Be "Good Enough" Embrace independence, repair ruptures, and show appreciation.

For Your Marriage to Work, Commit to Your Relationship

A strong relationship not only requires depth of feeling, but awareness of how you are communicating. When communication skills improve, feelings can deepen. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/marriage-equals/202112/your-marriage-work-commit-your-relationship

For Your Marriage to Work, Commit to Your Relationship Creating a relationship is a process.

How to Change the Emotional Climate of Your Relationship

For a relationship to be healthy, there needs to be a high ratio of positive comments and actions to negative ones. The fist step toward increasing that ration is to spend more time together. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202111/how-change-the-emotional-climate-your-relationship

How to Change the Emotional Climate of Your Relationship Too much negativity in your relationship? You have the power to change it.

Hidden Relationship Issues

When people are stuck in the same pattern, there is probably an underlying need that isn't being voiced. Even when addressing it is necessary for the relationship to move forward, the change may feel frightening. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-well-lived-life/202111/hidden-relationship-issues

Hidden Relationship Issues Difficulties in relationships may come from problems the couple is not aware of.

It is hard to believe it has been a year!! I am posting this again and looking forward to read my contract from 2021!!

"Here is a ritual I have followed for the last 22 years. It is very powerful and can be fun if you do it with your family. 
If you follow the instructions, you will succeed in your mental programming in an amazing way.
The whole exercise is based on unconscious programing with the collaboration of your conscious mind.
On December 31st, 2021 create an environment of relaxation and concentration. Close your eyes, take deep breaths and let your mind wander. For me, I like to have a very soothing music, candles and near the fireplace. As it is winter here in the US, I watch the flames of the fireplace and its powerful colors.
As you relax, move forward in time. Imagine you are moving to the future and that future is December 31st, 2022. Once you "feel" you are there, in your mind's eyes imagine the environment around you.
Where are you?
Do you smell any scents?
What is that? Feel it, experience it fully!

Still in your mind, look around and observe small details that you see, small objects, the landscape if you are outdoors.

Who is with you?
(You want to incorporate as many details as possible.)

Then write in a narrative form (not bullet points) what happened during 2022 that was good for you. What transformations you promoted on yourself?
1) How are you different than your 2021 self?
2) What have you done throughout the year?
3) How do you feel different?
4)What do you say in your head about yourself?
5) Do people around you are reacting differently in relation to you? How? What do they say about you?


In all your narrative, be positive, don't say what you didn't do but what you did, using positive active statements. Avoid talking about other people, this is only about yourself. Also avoid short narratives and be realistic!


One aspect that also frees your mind is that you don't want to share this with anybody else. Not now and neither in the future.

Once you feel finished, put your writing in a sealed envelope with your name and the date on it. Keep it in a place that you will remember and wait until next year to open it and write a new contract again.

You can (safely) burn your old contract once you do your new one next year. I find l the transmutation into fire to be powerful.

It is a really fascinating experience. I am looking forward to opening mine and reflecting on my writing for next year!


Happy 2022!
Make it a good year for you!!

Marcia Guimaraes 

Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor
in Wilmington, NC – US
[email protected]

How Fear of Anger Can Hurt You

People are often too afraid of anger to work through a problem. But anger exists to protect you, and it is necessary to understand where it is coming from. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/frazzlebrain/202111/how-fear-anger-can-hurt-you

How Fear of Anger Can Hurt You Anger provides important information that can deepen our relationships.

After the Happily Ever After

Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, discusses how our past psychological wounds can make us either overreact or underreact to certain situations while in a relationship. http://bit.ly/2K2wl9E

After the Happily Ever After Why is falling in love so easy, but staying in love so hard?

Lessons from a Couples Therapist: Marriage Is Destroyed by Emotional Distance, Not Conflict

To build a stronger relationship with your partner, you need to be responsive to each other's bids for support. This is one of the core tenets of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. http://bit.ly/2uumQIW

Lessons from a Couples Therapist: Marriage Is Destroyed by Emotional Distance, Not Conflict We all search for love, support, and care in our relationships. Whether you want to enrich a healthy relations

3 Ways to Argue More Constructively, and Make Up More Warmly

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-other-side-relationships/202108/3-ways-argue-more-constructively-and-make-more-warmly

3 Ways to Argue More Constructively, and Make Up More Warmly How to turn your disputes into relational “diamonds.”

12 Trusted Relationship Tips From Experts and Real Couples

Marriage experts and couples share their best tips for your relationship: https://bit.ly/3d8iQ32

12 Trusted Relationship Tips From Experts and Real Couples Cement your commitment to one another with tried-and-true relationship advice marriage experts and real couples count on.

Pursue Your Partner at Every Stage of Marriage

Love is something that has to be maintained. Keep on the lookout for things to do together and you'll appreciate each other more. http://bit.ly/2tTR6JY

Pursue Your Partner at Every Stage of Marriage It doesn’t matter how old you are, or how long you’ve been married. It always feels good to have your partner pursue you.

Insightful Minds would like to wish you all a happy and safe Thanksgiving!

Hold Me Tight

When you feel like your connection is beginning to fray, it is common to fall into a pattern of arguing. Instead of getting caught up in the moment when fighting, break the pattern by laying your true feelings on the line.
http://bit.ly/2UyAYfJ

Hold Me Tight Love demands the reassurance of touch. Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath the distress, partners are desperate to know: Are you there for me?

Strained Relationship? Focus on the Future, Not the Past

Patching up a relationship doesn't require you to repeat your disputes. But it may require you to acknowledge each other's feelings. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202107/strained-relationship-focus-the-future-not-the-past

Strained Relationship? Focus on the Future, Not the Past Learn the lessons of the past without having to rehash it.

The Deeper Meaning of Trust

Betrayal isn't always a sudden revelation. It could just be the breakdown in trust over a long time. Getting into the habit of valuing the little things will prevent frays from turning into a major rupture. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-deeper-meaning-of-trust/

The Deeper Meaning of Trust Trust helps your partner feel emotional safe with you and reinforces that your commitment to your relationship.

Emotionally Focused Therapy

"Emotionally Focused Therapy"
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a short-term form of therapy that focuses on adult relationships and attachment/bonding. The therapist and clients look at patterns in the relationship and take steps to create a more secure bond and develop more trust to move the relationship in a healthier, more positive direction. https://bit.ly/2KClPlO

Emotionally Focused Therapy Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a short-term form of therapy that focuses on adult relationships and attachment/bonding. The therapist and clients look at patterns in the relationship and take steps to create a more secure bond and develop more trust to move the relationship in a healthier, mor...