29/12/2025
Sharing this from another post.. author unknown. As a parent coach, I have seen this done wrong.
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Wow, this is such a good point. I have noticed this when people give advice such as, “that’s toxic, cut them out of your life.” There is a place for boundaries, which is so so important! But cutting family and friends out of your life is not part of healthy boundaries (except in rare exceptions).
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MYTH OF THE PERFECT PARENT AND THE COLLAPSE OF FAMILY RESILIENCE
There is a dangerous idea spreading quietly through modern culture:
that if a relationship causes discomfort, it is abusive; that if someone disappoints you, they are toxic; and that if your parents fail to meet your emotional needs perfectly, you are justified in cutting them out of your life entirely.
This idea is not only false — it is destructive.
Human relationships are not frictionless. Families, in particular, are built on proximity, difference, and endurance. Conflict is not evidence of abuse. It is evidence of relationship.
There is a proverb that captures this truth better than any therapy slogan:
“Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean — but much increase comes by the strength of the ox.”
In other words: if you want productivity, growth, or family continuity, there will be mess. There will be noise. There will be misunderstandings. Clean stalls mean no work is being done.
And yet, a growing number of people now believe that any emotional discomfort means something is “toxic.”
THE FANTASY OF THE MIND-READING PARENT
Many adult children today carry an unspoken expectation:
that their parents should instinctively know the right thing to say,
the right way to say it,
at the right moment,
with the right emotional tone,
for the right reason — forever.
This is not emotional intelligence.
It is fantasy.
No human being, parent or otherwise, can meet that standard.
Parents are not therapists.
They are not mind readers.
They are not trained emotional regulators.
They are people who raised children while working, aging, worrying, and carrying their own unresolved histories.
To demand perfection from them — and exile them for failing — is not empowerment.
It is relational absolutism.
THE CONFUSION BETWEEN DISCOMFORT AND ABUSE
True abuse exists.
It is real.
It is devastating.
And it must be taken seriously.
But disagreement, criticism, awkwardness, unsolicited advice, generational differences, and emotional clumsiness are not abuse.
They are the normal friction of human closeness.
What we are witnessing today is not increased emotional intelligence —
it is a collapse in tolerance for relational discomfort.
THE CULTURAL OVERCORRECTION
What we are seeing now is a profound overcorrection in how relationships are understood and managed:
• Fear of conflict has replaced skill at repair
• Discomfort is mistaken for danger
• Emotional literacy has been replaced by avoidance
• Boundaries are being confused with withdrawal
• Therapy language is being used without therapeutic depth
This is not a conspiracy.
It is a cultural overcorrection.
And overcorrections always swing back.
THE COST OF THE “CUT THEM OFF” CULTURE
When separation becomes the default response to conflict, the consequences ripple outward:
• Families fracture
• Grandparents disappear from children’s lives
• Wisdom is lost
• Loneliness increases
• Social trust erodes
• Reconciliation becomes rare
• Accountability disappears
And most tragically, people lose the opportunity to grow through relationship rather than flee from it.
A society cannot survive if every disagreement is treated as grounds for exile.
BOUNDARIES ARE NOT BANISHMENT
Boundaries are meant to regulate relationships — not destroy them.
Healthy boundaries sound like:
• “I need you to speak to me respectfully.”
• “That topic is off limits.”
• “I need some space right now.”
They do not sound like:
• “You are dead to me.”
• “You’ll never see your grandchildren again.”
• “You made me uncomfortable, so you’re toxic.”
That is not boundary-setting.
That is relational annihilation.
THE QUIET TRUTH NO ONE WANTS TO ADMIT
Most families are not abusive.
They are imperfect.
Most parents are not narcissists.
They are human.
Most conflicts are not trauma.
They are communication failures.
And most estrangements, if examined honestly, contain pain on both sides — not villains and victims.
A CULTURE THAT FORGETS HOW TO REPAIR WILL EVENTUALLY COLLAPSE
Every civilization that lasts is built on:
• forgiveness
• endurance
• humility
• intergenerational connection
When those are replaced with:
• hyper-individualism
• emotional absolutism
• moral superiority
FAMILIES fail first.
And when families fail, societies follow.
A FINAL WORD
Love is not the absence of conflict.
Love is the decision to stay present when conflict arises.
Growth does not come from perfect conditions.
It comes from learning how to live with imperfect people — including our parents, our children, and ourselves.
If we forget that, we don’t become healthier.
We become alone.
REFERENCES
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.
Campbell, S. (2019). But it’s your family: Cutting ties with toxic family members and loving yourself in the aftermath. New Harbinger.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown.
Haidt, J. (2012). The righteous mind: Why good people are divided by politics and religion. Pantheon Books.
Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.
Scharp, K. M. (2016). Family estrangement: Establishing a theoretical framework. Journal of Family Communication, 16(4), 339–356.
Segrin, C., & Flora, J. (2019). Family communication (3rd ed.). Routledge.
Twenge, J. M. (2017). iGen: Why today’s super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy—and completely unprepared for adulthood. Atria Books. a s
