31/07/2024
Narrative #2: What Could Have Been?
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Melbourne was the place to be. It was the most livable city in 2017. Saying I do not miss Melbourne at all will forever be a lie. Upon leaving, there is a part of me that remains there still. Every now and then, hearing "Melbourne" brings forth an ache in that empty space. The memories I once had are all blurred now. That shattered pains I once felt are almost gone. The only thing that remains is the lingering question "What could have been?"
It still amazes me, at this moment, when I'm writing these words, that I once had another life far away somewhere else. In a strange city, surrounded by strange people, I, an eighteen-year-old who had always been overprotected, gave in to loneliness and self-doubt. It's funny how, in the heart of the most liveable city, I did not think life was worth living.
So, what could have happened if I had been raised in a loving family? I could have graduated at 21. I could have been an architect, a designer, or anything related to art for that matter. I could have enjoyed my youth for all that it offered. I could have stayed in Melbourne and made the most out of it.
With all the friends I made along the way, the past partner whom I used to trust and share everything with, somehow, I still felt like I was the loneliest being on Earth. That no one would ever truly understand me. That I would never be loved the way I wanted. That I would have to endure this goddamn long hell of a life alone.
I know better now to blame my Moon in House 12. I was destined to feel lonely no matter what. I then blame my Saturn in House 6 for disturbing my daily life and self-confidence. With an annoying Saturn and an introverted Moon, it will be a miracle if depression never crosses my path.
Somehow, blaming the planets eases my self-hatred. My mental instability was bound to happen. All those disruptions were not entirely my fault. They were parts of my "character building," for which I am glad it happened sooner in life. Coming out of it, I know what I want, what I detest, and above all, who I am. Existing in a household where everyone is constantly trying to assert their dominance over me, I am grateful that I ever got to leave and find who I am. For a while, everything was so quiet. The music of solitude. In the end, it wasn't so bad.
My lesson cost me my dream, yet it was surprisingly simple. I finally admitted the value of human connections. I stop denying their importance as I once did. Maybe that was the reason I got out of depression. That I have learnt my lesson. And with that, my Melbourne journey ended.
I miss Melbourne, from time to time. But never more than the life I once had, the freedom I once tasted. If I were healthy, I could have been so much more.
P/s: All this never came out of me this detailed. This narrative is the hardest thing I have ever written, so far.
