09/09/2022
“I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”
As someone who takes very seriously the issues of both su***de and abusive relationships, I have been wrecked by this particular threat — more than once. If you’re in this situation, you’re not alone. A former or current romantic partner threatening su***de to control you is a documented form of emotional abuse.
Of course, su***de should always be taken seriously. In the face of immediate threats, seek emergency help. You will find general resources for su***de prevention in this article; however, the focus of this article is the phenomenon of a partner weaponizing su***de against you with the intent of making you feel too guilty to leave or too scared to displease them. This is actually a form of psychological and emotional abuse.
This abuse might include:
Telling you it’s your responsibility to give them a reason to live
Threatening su***de when you try to break up with them
Saying they have nothing to live for if you don’t return to them/remain with them
Making you “prove” your love by doing whatever they demand
Making su***de threats when caught lying, cheating, stealing
Causing you the fear of the possibility of living with guilt over their death
Implying that it will be your fault if they end up dead
These are all emotionally abusive tactics. When these things are said to you, you are being taken emotionally hostage. You are being told that someone’s life is on the line if you don’t meet their demands.
If you are a victim of these situations, you might be trying to figure out whether it’s a true mental health crisis or an abusive act of control. The tricky thing is, sometimes it’s both. Sometimes the person is saying it to control you, and they also genuinely do have mental health problems. Again, this is why we must always take threats seriously, even as we examine the manipulation and abuse of this style of threat.
Coercive Control
Threatening a partner with su***de in order to control them is recognized by intimate partner violence experts and criminal behavioral analysts as part of a larger deadly pattern of abuse called “coercive control.”
If the threat you’re encountering fits as part of this pattern, you can still take their threat seriously using the resources given here, but also learn about what kind of danger you might be in. If it appears that you are in danger, learn how to make a safety plan for leaving. Leaving a relationship is actually the most dangerous time for women. Get help from others and create a safety plan for leaving.
Don’t Keep It a Secret
I have been on the receiving end of these threats from five individuals, some making repeated threats. The “realness” of the threats ranged from completely fake (using a burner phone and fake identity to “report” su***de by gunshot), to terrifyingly real (texting me a location and plan to overdose on pills, which resulted in hospitalization for stomach pumping).
The first time I was put in this situation, I was fourteen. A friend of a friend confided in me that he had recently tried to hang himself. I cried. He told me it was “cool” that I was crying because it showed I cared. The fact that I cared, he told me, was enough to give him a reason to continue living. “But,” he said, “if you tell anyone about this, I will kill myself immediately.” Over the school year, he continually made threats to die followed by promises to live as long as I did whatever he wanted and didn’t tell anyone else he was suicidal.
Now I know better. The Help Someone Else page from the Su***de Prevention Lifeline advises: “Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Seek support.”
If there’s one piece of advice I could offer from my own experiences, it would be this. Tell someone. Especially if they forbid you to. On the one hand, if they truly need help, that’s all the more reason to involve others. Family members, medical professionals, therapists, friends, emergency services, crisis hotlines, and others may be able to offer real help. On the other hand, if it turns out they were merely using the threats to control you, you may regain your autonomy and get help for yourself by seeking outside support.
Respond Seriously
Is it an empty threat being wielded? Is it a true issue they need help with? Well, it’s not necessarily our position to judge and decide that. And again, it can be a mixture. Luckily, we don’t have to determine the level of seriousness. A variety of possible intentions can all be met with the same response. In my own experience, and according to mental health professionals, the best response is to take it seriously, even if you’re unsure whether they are serious.
There are two big benefits to taking it seriously:
If it is serious, you’ve done the responsible thing by putting it in the hands of professionals (it’s not responsible for you to stand in for professionals).
If it is a tactic to control you, this response will demonstrate that threats don’t result in you being controlled — threats result in you calling in help from professionals, resources, and friends/family.
How to Respond to the Threat of Su***de
Depending on the threat, there are a few things you can do:
If the person is in imminent danger, call 911 so that paramedics can respond immediately.
Note: The National Alliance on Mental Illness advice on calling the police says that you should explain — to the operator and to the responding officer — that there is a mental health crisis occurring. Ask for someone who is trained in this if possible. In some places, you can ask for a Crisis Intervention Team (CIT) officer who has been trained in psychiatric crises. The police officer or CIT officer may be able to talk the person down, transport them voluntarily to the hospital, or transport them to the hospital involuntarily for an evaluation.
If they aren’t in imminent danger but you are worried, and/or you don’t feel safe going to their location yourself, then using the above advice, you can call your local police station or non-emergency police number and ask them to do a wellness check or “welfare check.”
If you are able to remove weapons, drugs, or other means of su***de, this can be a preventative measure. But keep in mind that if this person has been manipulative or controlling towards you, you yourself might be in danger. So consider asking a third party to do weapon removal.
Get in touch with local mental health crisis centers. Some even have mobile units who will drive to the person in need, deescalate the situation, sit down with them, and talk through their options.
The Su***de Prevention Lifeline contains information on how to help yourself or others who are suicidal. You can call or live chat online. They can connect you with the closest crisis centers in your own area. You can call or live chat without being in an immediate crisis. They specifically say: “You don’t have to be suicidal or in crisis to call the Lifeline. People call to talk about lots of things: substance abuse, economic worries, relationships, sexual identity, illness, getting over abuse, depression, mental and physical illness, and loneliness.” According to SAMHSA, “Responders are trained counselors who have stopped over 90 percent of su***de attempts or ideation among callers.”
The Presence of Guns
There’s a thread that’s worth mentioning which weaves through su***de and intimate partner violence. Access to fi****ms statistically heightens the lethal outcome of attempted su***de, intimate partner murder, and murder-su***de. So, whether your partner’s su***de threat is based on a genuine crisis, based on coercive control, or is a combination, guns increase the fatality rate.
The main thing guns end up being used for in the U.S. is not protection, but su***de. According to the Pew Research Center, “[S]uicides have long accounted for the majority of U.S. gun deaths. In 2017, six-in-ten gun-related deaths in the U.S. were su***des.”
Threatening su***de in an abusive way doesn’t mean your partner is only thinking of harming their own self: the majority of murder-su***des (72%) involve intimate partners.
In intimate partner violence murders, guns are the most common weapon. Abusers who own guns are five times more likely to murder their female intimate partner. Every single month in the U.S., an average of 52 women are shot and killed by an intimate partner, and nearly one million women alive in the U.S. today have survived being shot or shot at.
Should you arm yourself?
Arming victims doesn’t guarantee them protection as one might like to think. According to studies, it more often has the opposite effect: “[W]omen living in households with a firearm are at greater risk of homicide.”
The first time this reality struck me was when my classmate Ariel and her mother Jennifer were attacked by Jennifer’s abusive ex. Despite a restraining order, he broke in, found the gun Jennifer had for protection against him, and shot her in the head with it. She survived, but with damage. Her daughter Ariel did not. She would have celebrated her birthday on July 25th, turning 30 this year along with me, but instead, her life was taken at age 18. Sadly, it’s not uncommon for abusers to take the lives of their partner’s friends, coworkers, and children.
In the case of Ariel and Jennifer, Dr. Kathleen Ferraro testified that the murderer had historically displayed a pattern of intimate partner abuse. Ferraro also referred to the “separation assault” typical of abusers trying to take back control after their female partner leaves them. This is also often the time when manipulative su***de threats are used as a form of control.
Changing the Pattern in Society
That local tragedy fits into the larger epidemic of intimate partner violence and coercive control — of which threatening violence against oneself or others is of a piece. While responding to su***de seriously, such as by sending professional help, we must also begin to see how these patterns fit together and therefore see where we can change things.
Some changes may include gun control, intimate partner violence law reform, support for VAWA, registries for serial abusers, re-imagining masculinity, education on healthy relationships, and other forms of prevention.
It’s Not Your Fault
You’re not a savior or a killer. It’s time to let go of this false narrative. You are not responsible for controlling the actions your partner takes.
We get to choose our narratives, and the narrative that you “saved” your abusive partner by acquiescing is as dangerous as the narrative that you “killed” your abusive partner by finally leaving. Before you buy into a narrative, ask yourself, “Is this helpful?”
I recommend finding a therapist or support group to discuss this with. Continue learning about the pattern of coercive control and how su***de threats can be emotional abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says that when a partner threatens su***de in order to control you, it’s best to maintain your boundaries and realize that their actions are not your fault: “Put the choice to live or die where it belongs — on your partner.”
