Hor-moans

07/09/2022

So finally, nearly 4 months later my BP is within a more normal range and I’m starting the HRT!!!! F**k me the symptoms have been the absolute pits. I have no doubt that it’ll take while for the HRT to take effect and hopefully within that time I will manage not to murder anyone 🤣🤣

29/05/2022

Shared with me by Leah Lukey and Anita Struzyna!! Sooooo funny and relatable! 😆😆😆😂😂😂

“A letter you may want to leave lying around somewhere...

Dear beloved significant other,

This is your menopausal partner speaking. I have found a rare moment of calm in between the storms that rage around my body and my brain to sit down and write a letter to you.
I know I am not the same woman you fell in love with. Physically I am bigger, OK fatter, I am obviously older and, alas, excessively hairier.
Mentally, I am a fu***ng fruit cake.
I have written this letter to try and help you understand what the hell is going on.
Facially – I know I have billy goat chin hair and jowls like a bloodhound. I know I look like a miserable cow most of the time. That is because I am. Wouldn’t you be if your features were sliding down off your face thanks to gravity?
Mood swings - It might appear that, at times, I actively dislike you, but don’t take it personally, I hate everybody and everything (except the dog) when in the rage zone. The truth is, I do love you very much but sometimes, from nowhere, uncontrollable anger boils up inside of me and explodes out like lava, just because you are chewing something loudly or breathing. I know it is unreasonable. But I do not care. So, when you see my eyeballs go red and my hairy nostrils flare, it is a good idea to remove yourself from close contact with me and ignore whatever spews out of my raging gob.
Do not try and argue back because that will make me cry.
Do not try to be nice to me because that will enrage me further.
Do not try and make sense of it – it is inexplicable.
Just pour me a glass of my favourite tipple and leave me to it.
It will soon be over.
S*x - bad luck. It is either feast or famine and even on a feast day you only have a three-minute window before I go off it again. And you don't get extra time to search for the tube of l**e. But keep trying. I still fancy you, as long as you are not breathing or chewing too loudly.
Personal hygiene – I know I spend a fortune on lady pads, intimate wipes and adult nappies. Sorry about that. But the alternative is that I sit in a sea of p**s every time I sneeze. The girl you met and married did not have a wheelie bin sized f***y with flaps down to her knees, and her pelvic floor worked like a charm. But s**t happens and this is what you’ve ended up with. You push a satsuma out of your snake eye and see how much p**s you can hold in afterwards.
Apologies, felt a bit of rage creeping in there for a moment.
Hot flushes – these are awful. I feel like I am being boiled alive. It is not helpful to suggest I look like I need to cool down, or to say that I look a little red, or ask me if I know I am sweating. Of course I frigging know! It is cascading off me in buckets! Just get the f**k out of the way and get me a fan. And a Gin. With lots of ice.
Memory – You sometimes look concerned and perhaps occasionally think of taking me to a care home. Small wonder when I forget what I am saying whilst I am in the middle of sh****ng well saying it. I look and sound like an absolute k**b most of the time. The old me was professional, articulate, organised and queen of multi-tasking. The new me can’t remember what I walked in the room for. Unless it is the bedroom and that is because I remember that I will spend the entire bastard night tossing and turning thanks to insomnia. But don’t book a guided tour of the care home just yet, memory loss and insomnia are all parts of the menopause – it’s fecking great, isn’t it?
I could go on, but I’ve forgotten what I was going to say.
Of course, all of this will hopefully, one day, pass and I might resemble my old self again. But they don’t call it the change for nothing.
I am changing and I don’t like it.
But love me anyway.
I am still in there under all this extra body hair. The fact that I can read this post and share it with you shows that there is life in the old girl yet. There are remedies out there and I have tried many, many things but I find laughter, talking about it and enjoying a glass of gin/vodka/wine/fizz to be the best tonic.
Now, ignore my moustache, give me a kiss and get your kit off, you’ve got three minutes.
© Middle age madness”

18/05/2022

Quick update as I had my GP appt this morning. She was incredibly lovely. We came up with a plan for HRT …. Oestrogen patches to be worn daily and progesterone tablets to be taken 10-12 consecutive days of each month.

Cue me being super positive!! Then she takes my blood pressure….not once but 3 times. Highest was 169/103 which is pretty high!

I am hoping it was just ’white coat’ high BP. But I am now armed with a BP monitor and have to submit 2x readings daily for the next 7 days.

One of two things can now happen:

1. If my BP doesn’t go below 140/90 consistently over the next 7 days then I will have to go on tablets to get it under control before I can start the HRT.

2. My BP behaves itself and goes back to normal over the next 7 days and I can then go ahead with the HRT plan.

It’s never simple is it 🙄🙄🙄🙄

17/05/2022

So a quick couple of positive insights from my working day today….

Working in magistrates’ court and it was sooooo hot! Messaged the legal advisor and asked permission to take my blazer off as my brow (and several other body parts 🙄) were glowing (aka sweating like a stuck pig).

Lovely legal advisor messaged back saying “of course” and between defendants I approached her to thank her. The female chair magistrate overheard me and said “it’s not easy being a woman”. My honest reply to her was “no it’s certainly not! My poor kids keep asking me why I’m in such a bad mood ALL the time”. Laughter. Phew!!

Then upon leaving work, I bump into a female solicitor of, let’s say, a certain age. Not only did she compliment me on my dress (bonus!) but told me that the male District Judge has told her that anytime she is having a ‘moment’ she doesn’t even need to ask permission to take her blazer off.

Believe me this is progressive in the formal environment I work in! I wonder whether crown court will prove to be so! I may test it. Watch this space! 🤗🤩

17/05/2022

Doctors ill-trained over menopause - as MARIELLA FROSTRUP discovered https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10811677/Doctors-ill-trained-recognise-symptoms-menopause-MARIELLA-FROSTRUP-discovered.html?ito=native_share_article-top

Very interesting article 👍🏼 thanks for sharing Anita Struzyna

MARIELLA FROSTRUP: For decades, if not centuries, all of us have been woefully under-equipped to recognise when a woman has started experiencing the first signs.

15/05/2022

“Why is your knee so bruised just from falling over?”

“Because I’m old Ben”

F**ktard 🙄🤣

13/05/2022

Thursday 12th May 2022 ….. mums vs daughters footie match. The day that confirmed that I am both a clumsy f**k*r and a warrior all rolled into one hot mess of a woman! 🔥

On what planet did I think that this would be a good idea?! I probably knew it was a baaaaad idea but Daisy really wanted me to take part and how could I say no to her. In my mind, I am 21 still. My body clearly disagrees. 🥱

So picture the scene….it’s the 3rd quarter (each being 10 mins long with a break in between so that the mums could dowse themselves in cold water, and ice pack any sore bits). 💦

The mums were already 4-0 down and the girls were not giving an inch to their poor, tired old mums. Suddenly, the ball flicks forward and I see my chance to run at goal. At this point, I sensed a moment of glory, a goal, cheers from the sidelines and the other mums high fiving me, admiring my awesome skills 🖐🏼

Alas. The reality was quite the opposite. Helpfully, my ex husband was there to provide a shot by shot photographic extravaganza, so that I can relive the memory over and over 🙄

I ran fast, too fast for my body to keep up. It was that slow motion moment of knowing that you’re going…..going…..going……GONE!!! It was spectacular, some might say epic. Time stood still as I crashed to the floor in possibly one of the most mortifying moments of my life. 🤣

F**K astro turf hurts soooooo much, especially when you fall at speed. I lay on the ground, laughter and sounds of shock from the sideline. 5 seconds went by and I was helped up by the ref. Warrior that I am, I carried on trying to play for the following 10 seconds. Then did what I do best. Burst into tears 😢

Admitting defeat, I headed to the bench for a crappy ice pack to be applied to my knees and arm. Daisy looked over at me. She looked mortified. She’s 11 so is generally embarrassed of everything I do and say. But I felt sad because I wanted her to be proud of me. ❤️

Today, I hurt. Not only my knees and arm but my entire body. And I ain’t gonna lie, my ego is a little bruised. Daisy told me I was “embarrassing” although one mum was told by her daughter that she was “trash” in the match. I think I will take embarrassing over trash 🤷🏽‍♀️ (NB: the mum in question was actually awesome)

The stark realisation is that I am a middle aged woman. I don’t bounce anymore. I need to accept some of my limitations. This is SO hard. I want to be able to still push myself. I will not go quietly into the night (film quote, can’t remember which film. Anyone?) 🎥

Anyway I digress. Although actually I have no clue where I was going with this. I think what I am trying to say is that it’s ok to try and fail. ✌🏼 ❤️ ✌🏼

Please laugh at this. I have laughed through the pain today! And now for wine. Happy weekend mofos ###x

11/05/2022

Ok. Let’s get started. My name is Zoe, and I am a peri-menopausal woman. I suspect I have been In denial about this for the past few months. That voice in my head saying “you’re too young”, “it’s just hormones”. NO!!!! In fact I have come to the realisation that I am now ‘transitioning’ and that’s ok! The symptoms are horrendous and I’m so bloody tired, sick of having acne on my back and my buttocks (yep really!), tired of excusing my mood swings. I’ve been an absolute cow for a few months now. My kids are noticing. That’s not ok….although I have tried to explain to them why mummy has turned into a lunatic! Anyway, I thought I would try and turn this phase of my life into something positive….something funny…..something light hearted. GP appt next week to discuss HRT!! I feel old. But I’m not old. I’m 45. And I’m fu*king awesome!