http://www.earthrhythmwomb.com/

Earth, Rhythm & Womb, Eugene, OR (2026)

12/09/2023

My 27th birthday was 6 months ago.

It was my fifth year doing a gratitude circle ~ everyone goes around and shares one of their favorite traits about you.

“You challenge me”
“You’re great at boundaries”
“Your bitchy cut throat energy”
“You really challenge me”

I know there were more words, but the above is all my mind heard.

These words and my interpreted meaning they held were repeated to me, reflection after reflection.

I left that circle completely confused, feeling way worse than before.

And that has absolutely zero reflection on my friends & their love for me.

It reflected a part of me, to me.

It revealed to me that there is this small (but very huge) part within me that wants to be viewed & known for my softness, my selflessness, my heart, my love, my depth.

Why do I have such a hard time accessing those parts of me? Why is it not translating to the people around me? Who know me the most?

How can I show up in this world differently to have that energy reflected back to me?

Wake up call.
Reality check.

The parts of me that are great at boundaries, speaking my mind, intense, spicy… those are amazing qualities, but wow I didn’t realize my inner protector was SO strong until that circle.

I’ve been diving into Internal Family Systems a lot this past year and uncovering so much about myself and all my beautiful, messy parts.

Here I am… 6 months later remembering the first pivotal moment I made contact with the part of me that wants to be seen as love.

Pure love.

Wants to know that I am lovable.
Wants to know that I am worthy.
Wants to know that I am wanted.

This part has been very present this week during my bleed.

Benny & I did a little test run of 2 days no contact and that part came out strong.

We will embark on another 7 days here soon and I’m reminded how deeply that part of me needs… me.

My love. My softness. My care. My patience. My time.

And through that love and tender care, maybe she will take up more space.

Maybe I’ll begin to witness her being reflected back to me.

Maybe my friends reflected the biggest gift of all to me ~

that I need to be with myself even deeper this year.

I’m on my way there💗

12/04/2023

Junipers Death Part 3

I heard Junipers cries and I ran towards her.

Somehow my body took me to her.

Because the moment from the house to the street is completely blank in my memory.

I don’t remember running, or how long it took. I don’t remember feeling my body.

My next memory is locking eyes with Juniper.

She picked up her body and frantically dragged her limp legs across the road to greet me. Blood trailing behind her.

As soon as she saw me, she mustered up all her strength to get to me.

I will never forget the look in her eyes.
I could almost hear her speak to me with human words, “mama what happened to me, please help me”

As soon as I got to her, she collapsed in front of me. Her body started to go into shock.

As my brain took in the severity of her injuries, my heart felt all her pain.

There was blood pooling at her mouth, her back legs completely broken.

I will never forget my blood curdling cry.

I let out all the pain through my screams. All the fear through my tears.

A scream only a mother who loses her child can know.

I gave myself that moment to feel.
Thank god I gave myself that moment to feel.

My roommate and her friend who ran out after me, helped to keep me anchored to earth.

She was still breathing. There’s a chance we can save her, right?

I tell one of them to call Benny. I tell him, “Juni got hit by a car and is dying, text me the address of the vet now”

The woman who hit her comes back, She says, “did I do that? There was nothing I could’ve done differently right?”

I told her to take us to the vet.

Processing her own shock, she takes way too long to get her car ready.

So I tell her to leave (because honestly I was about to lose it on her) and for just a moment, i leave Juni to run inside to grab my car keys.

We grab a blanket and us three women lift her body onto the blanket and into the back of my car.

I hop in the trunk with Juni. My roommate and her friend take the front seat.

It’s a 17 min drive to the emergency vet. Longest 17 minutes of my life…

12/04/2023

Juniper’s Death Pt. 2

I turned and ran to the screen door, just in time to see Juniper sprinting full speed, after a squirrel across the yard.   I immediately took in the scene.

The white vehicle speeding down the street and Juniper darting across the yard.

My brain did the math for me, before my eyes saw it in real time.   I yelled, “JUNI NO”  right as the white car slammed into her body going full speed.

a perfectly imperfect, perpendicular intersection of the timelines of life and death.

While witnessing the initial impact, a piece of my soul left my body and hovered above me - knowing what was about to unfold.

I watched her small black body be sent 20-30 feet through the air down the street.

The car kept speeding down the road, not yet fully realizing what just happened.

It happened that fast.
The timing had to be that perfect… to the second.
 I gasped and turned to my roomie saying, “I can’t look. Please go.”

She immediately ran out the door. I am forever grateful she was the first to greet my sweet Juj.

From how intense the impact was, i assumed she was dead and couldn’t be the one to face it.

Until I heard Juniper’s wailing cries from the street…

📸:

11/16/2023

Juniper’s Death Pt. 1

I woke up Thursday morning @ 7am. It was my 5th morning
at my new home,
in a new chapter,
so of course it was time to start creating new routines.

7am. Up bright and early.

Normally, I would sleep in till 9am cuddling with Juniper. But of course, today I chose different. Life is funny that way ~ the last day I have with my dog, I chose to spend the morning without her.

She chose to stay in bed, all cozy and warm.. looking at this new 7am version of myself like “ugh come back to bed Mom”.

It was a beautiful fall morning. The warmth of the sun against my body and the crisp, chill air is forever burned into my somatic memory.

I took Juniper outside and stood in the sun rays as I threw the ball for her. I threw the ball for her everyday, but something felt different this time.

I took a moment to breathe into the earth and store this moment of Juniper hopping through the leaves deep in my memory.

I felt the cold earth underneath my toes. Sun rays on my skin. Gratitude overcame my being.

I gave Juniper a marrow bone and made myself a cup of cacao. We sat on the front porch, both enamored by our senses basking naked in the sun. Just me and my sweet girl.

I wrote in my journal that this was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I felt the most bliss and presence I had experienced in a long long time.

I had a work meeting at 11:30am. Juniper napped next to me in the kitchen. She was my mirror, always right by my side.

Right after, I was chatting with my roomie and a potential move-in. Juniper was standing in front of the screen door watching the world go by. I told them how today was the first day that Juniper + I’s nervous systems had fully settled. We finally felt at home. And how I wanted to live here forever, just Juniper & I.

Almost as if my soul knew that this last day together would indeed last forever - forever etched into the dreamscape of my mind. My last happy moments with my Juji.

Minutes after, I heard Juniper push the screen door open.

I turned & ran to the screen door, just in time to see Juniper sprinting through the yard & a White Subaru speeding down the street.

(Pics of our last moments together)

10/23/2023

My sweet Juni girl 💖🐾

Your death has already taught me so much.

I didn’t know a dog could be so loved by so many.

I have hundreds of messages from people who met her and they all speak the same thread…

She’s such a special sweet girl.

Juniper is such a healer. She healed me while I grieved my best friends death. But she was my familiar…

I guess I just didn’t fully feel the depth of her spirit until now.

She healed everryyyooonnee she loved. And she loved so deep.

The last three days have taught me that we are so supported. I am still blown away by how many of our friends came together to carry her spirit through transition.

After witnessing her tragic and brutal death, this burial ceremony healed me.

Even in spirit, there she is again healing my heart.

Rest easy Juniper.

Will be sharing more soon… as this is the deepest I have met and stewarded death and it needs to be shared🌹

📸:

09/17/2023

I’m moving…

out from my current home with my partner. We’ve lived together for 2+ years in this home and before that lived together for some time, too.

I have found myself stuck in some codependent, sometimes toxic patterns with him for quite some time now. In freeze response, unable to make any choice. Stuck in stagnancy.

I have always found the biggest blessings when I follow my yes, especially if it’s coupled with fear.

I have so much fear. But I’m choosing to take that fear with me and move forward towards the unknown.

I’m excited to cook my own dinners again, and wake up each day asking myself “what does Courtney want to do today?”

To strengthen the relationship with myself.

It gets kind of lost along the way in relationships.

Logistically, I’ll only be moving out for 2-3 months. And then reassessing what we want next. I’m grateful for a partner who is holding down our current home and gifting me this space for pause, as a team. Knowing I have our home to come back to.

I can feel that this decision is so much bigger than that though.

It’s me choosing a different timeline. One I haven’t traveled in a long time.

Where the possibilities are endless and that excites me.
Will we move back in together stronger than ever? Will one of us choose to end the partnership? Will I hate it? Will I love it?

There’s so many unknowns.
But it’s movement. When we have been stuck for so long, this brings motion.

it feels so good to finally choose something different than what we’ve been doing. And to make that choice together. It’s already brought so much more love for one another.

It’s holding all the parts of me that feel abandoned, in fear & worried and saying “I see you, you can be safe here and I’m taking care of you.”

I can take care of myself.
I can be alone.
At 27 years old, I can choose myself trusting it will bring me to the people & places I’m meant to.

09/09/2023

In meditation this morning, I’m reminded of the simple moments.

The ones you really notice when you allow yourself to get still.

The timelessness that creeps in when you witness all the sensory experiences around you. How the world keeps on turning, dancing it’s cyclical dance around you. Reminding you it will continue, long after you’re gone.

The impermanence of it all, when you stop to feel it… is why I feel we’re here.

To remember that we can experience God at any moment.

It’s just about getting still enough to hold it. To receive it.

The birds chirping in the morning at my grandparents house. The smell of jasmine as you turn the corner. My dog basking in the morning sun, her fur glimmering like moonlight.

The hunger in my belly. A slight pressure in my hips. The wind moving through the trees, reminding me fall is here.

It’s all happening all around you. And my god, is it fu***ng beautiful.

09/05/2023

my new look deserved a permanent spot on the feed 🔥

thank you again to .vivid!!!

it’s a huge thing for me to trust people with my hair + appearance & Alexis exceeded my expectations, while making me feel super supported.

Red is my power color forever and ever

07/06/2023

Every time I go travel somewhere I feel like I always receive new medicine. Something to integrate back into my being when I return home.

Last time I was here in Kauai, it was pure bliss. The island woke up my senses and reminded me what it’s like to turn every corner and feel shattered open by awe.

This trip, I’ve been here two weeks and my whole experience was amazing and beautiful, but had this flat line of dullness to it. I was extremely fatigued the whole time and found myself just wanting to be inside.

Some could say that that alone is medicine 😉

And it is, but i knew it wasn’t the nugget. The WHY I was drawn here again.

Yesterday, it clicked. I have been in huge scrolling spirals, spending way too much time on my phone - my one addiction I can’t seem to shake -
& I sat with myself to see what was I disassociating from?

So I journaled and realized that I’ve been cut off from my own feeeeeelling for a long time. Sort of just numb and hollow, with moments of a spark.

Most people who know me wouldn’t say that I’m a very emotional or deep feeling person, but underneath all those layers is my gift. And it is that I actually feel so fu***ng deep that sometimes it’s too much to hold.

I probably need like an hour or crying every morning to process and transmute all the energy that channels through me. And I don’t make space for that.

I am a channel.
& I feel like I’ve forgotten that.

I asked myself…
“If you remove all the layers, what is the deepest root emotion that you need to transmute today?”

and so much came up.

It’s such a good practice to see what’s behind the first couple layers we exist in the world through.

What is your deepest emotion that’s hiding there today?

Move it through, sit with it, hold yourself, transmute it

because I promise you, when we look back at these glimpses of life we have been gifted here

We’re going to wish that we lived every moment with our heart wide open. 💖

06/28/2023

It’s so interesting to be back here, almost exactly a year later. Same locations, same swimsuits… and a body that feels different.

Of course that’s expected. For my body to have changed in a year. But it has completely shocked me how much I’ve been affected by it. And realizing how attached I was to my body a year ago.

My minds narrative is that body = good and this changing version is unknown = scary.

I have so much fear wrapped around the idea of my body shifting. Gut-wrenching, like the world is going to end fear. It’s kind of ridiculous, but I know it stems from the 23 yr old me who went through horrible health issues and rapid body changes in such a short time. Who spent all her energy healing from that & feeling healthy. And now that my body is showing similar signs, my subconscious is in panic mode. I never realized how much trauma and control I had attached to my body.

I’ve been hyper aware of how my thighs rub together when I walk. Every single piece of tight clothing feels triggering. Looking into the mirror and having body dysmorphia. Living life with a constant side thought of what my body looks like.

This has never been me.
Which is why it’s been so shocking. Even when I was in a bigger body I had so much self love and didn’t experience this.

It’s rooted in the fear of “going back”.
To most people I’m sure they can’t even tell the difference. That’s how deeply rooted this fear is… because the slightest changes are starting to make me spiral.

So here I am.
On another deep journey of learning to love myself and my body all over again. In a way more rich and deep than I did before.

Loving my body, especially when it shifts. In any direction.

Healing from the trauma and fear I have associated with my past changes. & the narratives that were created.

and the 3D reality, finally taking that stool + hormones test. Im pretty sure I picked something up in Mexico🙃

It’s this twosided coin of learning to love my body no matter what is happening or how it looks. And noticing when something feels off - inflammation, bloating, etc. & then taking action.

Grateful for all of it, and the ways my body teaches me how to love all things deeper.

06/26/2023

It feels so good to be back here, soaking up all the or****ic sensory magic ✨ blown away every hour by the vibrant colors, pops of flowers on the trees, lush greenery, breathtaking views, taste of exotic fruit, wind and rains that breathes through the valleys and the smells. Oh my god the smells.

Earth, Rhythm & Womb

12/09/2023

12/04/2023

12/04/2023

11/16/2023

10/23/2023

09/17/2023

09/09/2023

09/05/2023

07/06/2023

06/28/2023

06/26/2023

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