17/07/2025
Hello, it’s been awhile 🤗 I’ll be transparent, I’ve had possibly the most soul-wrenching past year or so of my life. I’ve finally come to acknowledge that losing my dad was a profoundly traumatic experience.
Dealing with illness and death is never easy, so I thought all of this was relatively “normal,” but I see now just how much insult was unnecessarily added to our injuries, salt was poured upon our wounds from every angle, and none of it should have ever happened, none of it was acceptable. And I’ve unknowingly been suppressing pain that has since manifested in wild ways that I’ve been forced to face.
Yesterday marked 5 years since my dad died. I wish I could say that in these 5 years I’ve come to terms with the loss or that I’ve processed my grief or things have gotten easier. I’d like to, but I’d be lying, and I know now that it isn’t a reflection of failure on my part, but that there are some things in life you just don’t recover from. The pain just gets passed along, and you simply learn to breathe with the ache.
The system failed us miserably. Healthcare in general is a disaster, but especially in America, a bureaucratic circus. And I’m aware enough to know it doesn’t matter where you stand on the political spectrum to acknowledge the undeniably deep-rooted flaws of the medical system in this country.
I am still angry, and I think I always will be, and I will keep that anger because it is sacred. I still sometimes fantasize about revenge, all I wanted for so long was to make them pay, every individual that hurt my family and I, and I still believe that they don’t deserve to have a peaceful night of sleep. The worst part is that they don’t think they did anything wrong. They followed nonsensical, unethical, egotistical, and inhumane “rules and regulations” that help them clear any stains on their consciences. They chose to be defensive, and defensive medicine is not only counterproductive, it’s dangerous.
I was a medical student who wanted something better. But I was disillusioned, disheartened, and harmed by the very medical system I wanted to change, a system that begets the system in a vicious cycle. I wanted to fix it. But you can’t fix something that’s inherently broken. You can, however, try to create something better. It is possible to build a better design. Don’t let them tell you, “That’s just how it is.” That’s the laziest cop out they can offer. Hold them accountable.
I’ve been stuck for 5 years, I fell harder than I ever imagined, and this last year, I suffered so much mentally, I learned so much about myself, my strengths and my weaknesses, how far I’m willing to bend for others out of compassion while standing my ground and demanding more when feeling disrespected by bare-minimum efforts.
For the longest time, I kept hitting brick walls wherever I turned. I eventually withdrew from medical school, and I’ve felt stuck and lost. The only path I saw for myself disappeared. I thought I had a role for myself in this life, I wanted to become a psychiatrist so badly because I’ve only encountered terrible ones, awful doctors, and with every negative experience I had as a patient, I’d keep a mental note in the back of my mind to never be that person, never do what they just did, never say what they just said, I will be a better doctor. But life is so unpredictable, and God laughs at us while we make plans. And my “plans” changed, for better or for worse. I felt so free once I left, but I quickly became unsure of my purpose, and maybe I’ll never find it. But in the meantime, I’ll give what I can, and I’ll chase my passions.
Recently, I officially became a patient advocate and have a listed profile with Greater National Advocates (link in comments), and I was thrilled to see the calls coming in already. Thrilled, but also disappointed and sad that healthcare is so unfulfilling, so broken, that this new field of patient advocacy even needed to emerge as a bandage to heal patients, a bridge to close the gaps in medicine. I’m already working with my first client, and I’m determined to stand up for her the way I needed someone to stand up for me in the face of white coats and stethoscopes that only wanted to intimidate and dominate.
And I’m extremely excited that this fall I’ll be starting a master’s in medical anthropology abroad, and although my deepest interest and passion is in mental health, the torturous journey of my father’s illness has made it clear I cannot abandon the study of cancer, and I don’t mean just the disease itself but also the way it affects us as individuals, as patients, as families, as a society. The way we react to it, “treat” it while mistreating the person suffering from it, the futile views it instills in us and the way physicians look at us as if we’re naive, forgetting or blatantly disregarding the “do no harm” mantra of their oaths. The way we’re mistreated by the “specialists,” the deadlines and timelines they speak in, the way they abandon us in our darkest hours. The award‑winning hospitals that sometimes operate like zoos, treating patients like animals. The doctors and researchers who chase status and money, treating their field like a business instead of a calling.
I’m finally feeling like I can move forward.
I do have fears I’m trying to silence—afraid I’ll fall prey to my own human imperfections. But I don’t care anymore. I’m sure I will break my own heart, relapse, fail, whatever you want to call it, in fact I guarantee it, and I know more tragedies will await me because that’s life, but I don’t care.
Anticipatory grief might feel like protection, but why feel the pain before it even happens? Maybe it won’t happen. It’s easier said than done, but I will try to focus less on what might be and more on what is.
I am incredibly sorry that such a tragedy befell my beautiful family and tainted so much of our lives.
I am incredibly sorry to everyone who has been touched directly or indirectly by cancer—and even more so by the neglect it often stirs from those meant to care.
Dealing with cancer is already hell.
Losing a loved one is devastation.
But to also lose people you thought had genuine intentions while they’re still alive, that’s betrayal.
The masks fall off pretty quickly in difficult situations. And I pray that when you’re faced with the hardest moments of your life and those facades crumble, the true characters surrounding you are revealed to be glowing with authentic love, ready to selflessly fight for you.
Life is precious. Show up for each other. Care wholeheartedly. Love deeply.
You risk getting hurt, but the best things in life come with that risk, and I hope you find that it will be worth it.
If you’ve read this far, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. For my dad, for your loved ones, for all of us, let’s do better, and let’s love with pure intentions (and if it scares them, it means you’re doing it right 😉).
🤍🎗️🤍🎗️🤍🎗️🤍🎗️🤍🎗️
