24/03/2025
TLDR- yoga and smart recovery are canceled until further notice
Long Long Long Version with all the trigger warnings
2025 is a big milestone for me. It marks a decade free from my abuser , free from op**tes, free from ci******es and free from alcohol. It’s also a decade of being with my wonderful husband.
In February 2015 the abuse from my ex-husband reached a new high.
By March I was trying to figure out how to either walk on enough eggshells to keep the peace or to get away.
In April my current husband walked back into my life in a fairytale kind of way after losing touch for a few years.
By June the ex and I were working out how to get back to Maryland. I had hopes that being back amongst his friends would chill him out a bit.
The end of June we moved back to Maryland (my now husband helped us move 😹).
I was wrong and the abuse skyrocketed. The friends we were staying with were constantly getting warnings about the arguments and loud noise occurring. Eventually they had a talk with me “you can stay forever but he has to go”.
Shortly after that I got offered a job. I was now surrounded by support that he couldn’t isolate me from and I realized I didn’t need him.
So in July 2015 I pulled the metaphorical tower card and started my life all over. The day I started my new job my ex also moved out. I decided to rip off all the band aids and stopped smoking, taking pills, drinking and cut down my caffeine use (quit completely a few months later).
My friends and now husband paid my bills, bought my meds, gave me gas money, bought my groceries, and so much more. I survived that period of time because of them.
The following years were full of growth, mistakes and learning adventures. I am not the person I was a decade ago. I’ve done some pretty amazing things and some things I’m not proud of.
I lost a lot, gained a lot and built an entirely different life.
But the last few years have been their own cluster of challenges. In 2019 I was suicidal to the point that my husband was calling off work to not leave me alone. In 2020 I hemorrhaged out of no where, in 2021 (on my birthday! Best gift ever) I had a hysterectomy. A month after that my back went out and the imaging discovered several large lesions on my liver. (Later we found they were caused by the meds I had to take to survive keeping the uterus I begged to get rid of from age 19. That’s a whole other rant but if they would have given me the hysterectomy I asked for at 19 I wouldn’t have lost half my liver at 39)
2021-2022 we drove to and from DC for testing more times than I can count. Blood work , MRIs, failed biopsy attempts, and more that ended up covering my veins in scar tissue and required a radiologist to place a central line every time I needed another test.
At one point I decided I wasn’t doing it anymore and whatever happened happened (my tumors could spontaneously rupture and kill me at any point).
My husband made a bucket list of things he wanted to do with me before I died. We had a lot of tearful heart to hearts and eventually I agreed to surgery.
In July 2022 I had half my liver removed , a 3 day ICU stay and the absolute hardest surgery recovery to date. When I got the all clear to start living my life , I went hard. I started drinking again and a lot of other destructive behaviors.
In 2023 marriage counseling, my own therapy, and finally being correctly diagnosed and medicated for Bipolar, I started once again rebuilding everything I destroyed.
In June 2024 I reconciled and had a very healing conversation with my mom. In October 2024 she was gone. Losing my mom has changed so much about how I live my life.
So here I am.
Once again ready to rebuild. Some friends have called this my pilgrimage, I called it an epic adventure, it’s also a bit of a metamorphosis-but for the next year I’m working on me. For real this time. Not just enough to get by. Not just a band aid to sprint through to the next thing.
I very much am the archetype of the wounded healer and I need to take some time to tend to my own wounds (like the meniscus I just retore after 20 years 🤦🏻♀️).
I’ll be around. I have a Shadow Work 101 in May. SMART recovery is transitioning into a co-facilitated workshop on sobriety in the fall. I may do a pop up class here and there. But other than that I’ll be using my time to heal and get acquainted with this new person I’ve become.
I’m planning to set something up to track my adventures. Not sure if that’s a blog, TikTok, YouTube, FB or Instagram. I haven’t decided. But it will be private so if that’s something you have interest in following let me know and I’ll add you once I figure it out.
But for now, thank you for the last few years of making this dream of providing healing to others come true. It has been a blessing to work with those who have trusted me with their shadows.
Remember the goal is to be whole, not perfect.
You have worth
You have strength
You have love
You have peace
You are allowed to feel good
You are complete as you are
You belong here
You deserve to take up space
When you breathe in
Breathe in peace
When you breathe out
Breathe out love
💜 Nae
