22/08/2019
My story there would be many ways to tell it start to Finnish, chapter wise or the different situations throughout my life, they are things that shaped my life impacted me they may seem insignificant to you but one of the rules of mental health is what feels like nothing to you could mean a lot of pain for another so in case I would like to leave a TRIGGER WARNING because I want to speak about important life altering events in my life some involves me directly some were indirectly but still it affected me. The reason this is important is in order to have context to where I am I need you to see where I was. My history doesn't define me but it does shape me.
When I was born with a genetic growth defect what this meant was I could have stopped growing in the womb and as a result my mum could have died or at least this is what she had told me I have a younger brother that had the same defect and he didn't make it. This led to me needing to take needles between the ages of 5 and 11 to help with my growth.
Not long after I was born my biological father left I didn't know until recently the lasting effects him not being around actually had on me in a way I was jealous that he seemed to love my siblings more than me and had time for them, it always left me wondering why I was never good enough for him was I broken, did I do something, I was lucky i ended up with a loving step father in my life for the 25 years that followed but it still weighed on me as to why my dad didn't seem to want me. Enter the fact that he was also homophobic and I would guess transphobic as well.
When I was 3 I started feeling extremely depressed like I was in the wrong body, I should have been born a girl, I was in fact a weird child and was more aware of how the world worked so I never expressed these thoughts until I was much older it caused a great level of stress and pain for many years until I was 17 and I told someone which it spread like wildfire and suddenly almost everyone knew, I again did get pretty lucky and received only a small amount of bullying, most get worse. But what I did develop was a permanent fear for my safety because I could be killed just for being trans if the wrong person was to ever find out.
When I was 5 it turned out someone has ADHD so that was a ride and a half the difficulty in paying attention affected my learning as well as the hyperactivity and a difficulty in expressing emotions, I'm sure you could just imagine how that went down, I was a wild child.
When I was 9 I was first diagnosed with depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies. It is truly a wonder that I didn't get real help back than. Pretty disgusting to be entirely honest
Enter 11: it was at this time I had been threatened and attacked by a man 3 times my age after that I cowered and retreated more and more, I developed bulimia to cope and at the time it really served a purpose the rearing of an ed became a staple in my life for many years to come.
13: simply put high school was not easy, I was deemed to stupid by the teachers and was bullied by both students and teachers I would often find myself in altercations and defending myself always to some how be at fault. My bulimia worsened and I started self harming.
At 16 my gender identity really started to get to me and my s*xuality became a struggle. I had a girlfriend that I still love to this day and what happened was my best friend at the time found her out drunk and took her home where she proceeded to have s*x with 8 people they were between 18-24 while she was under the influence and only 15, I'm sure you can do the math, what really got to me was that there was still a level of decision on her part she cheated on me on my birthday and I was left feeling like I was never good enough that maybe if I was better than she wouldn't have endured that, maybe if my focus wasn't on this guy I was crushing on than I would have been enough. After that I put all my focus on this guy I liked he seemed nice but was adamant he wasn't gay in fairness neither was I but it was at a time I wasn't out as trans so in his confusion he would do s*xual things to some people and I got the worst of it, the guy I liked molested me there was no did he or didn't he, it happened and I somehow had to deal with what had happened.
I stupidly came out as gay and around that time the guy I crushed on prior would manipulate everyone around him including the guy I liked at this point so enter my first boyfriend I guess I can simply explain he Constantly treated me like I wasn't good enough for him and that I didn't deserve him it was emotional abuse.
As I came out over the next several years as trans something weird started to happen guys liked me I didn't know at the time it was because I was the perfect test for them to see if they were gay, for a while I found I was being used by guys till it eventually reached a point where things would happen in my sleep.
I guess by this point I had begun to disconnect and my mental health worsened and on occasions I would try bounce out of what was happening but it became to difficult In some aspects of my life it improved i started hormones and was the happiest i had ever been but I was still having a hard time the had been su***de attempts and to say I fit my whole life experience in this post would be very false. but it wasn't until bulimia turned to anorexia and I lost a lot of weight, at first I didn't realize what was happening than when I finally did know that I had an eating disorder I would scream for help but no one would hear, I was only met with replies of no you don't or not skinny enough and I worsened until around my birthday I was hospitalized because when I was fat I couldn't have an eating disorder but I didn't stay fat I got skinny, I did have people supporting me to get into recovery but I put it off to me it was impossible. 3 months on I am doing well it is very much still a struggle and I know I couldn't do it without my support team but I am hopeful that I can maybe one day get through this and get past the events that affected me in the past I am getting better and it is starting to feel good, in recovery there will be good and bad days but always keep hope and fight because it has made me stronger as a person.
